


A House by the Sea

by toyhto



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dubious Consent, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Romance, Strangers to Lovers, kind of, read the author's note
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:22:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 57,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26447029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyhto/pseuds/toyhto
Summary: The wizarding world is on the brink of a war, Sirius is the heir of the House Black, and Remus is a vampire.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 54
Kudos: 68





	1. Autumn I

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched A Discovery of Witches on HBO and liked the vampire thing and wanted to write something that had a vampire/human romance in it. Also I've been having Remus/Sirius feelings again lately. So this story has both. Remus is a vampire, Sirius is a bit of an asshole really (must be the upbringing), Dumbledore only thinks about the greater good, and everything is a mess, including the plot.
> 
>  **About the dubious consent tag and other things you might want to consider** : this is not a non-con story but definitely plays with the concept of consent a little. There's sex while being charmed and rough sex and a little bit of bloody sex (you know, because there's a vampire and oh my god I had fun writing this). All of this is strictly speaking consensual but flirts with the grey area, so if you are worried, consider yourself warned and maybe don't read this. Also, Sirius is being shitty at Kreacher but doesn't realise that himself and there's no real reflection about that in the story. And also, note that you're reading a story with _A creater chose not to use archive warnings_ tag on it. And another also, this isn't extremely dark or angsty, but this isn't fluff either, and there's death-related content.
> 
> I've finished writing this story but there's some editing and betaing to be done yet. The story will be updated slowly but it certainly won't be a WIP forever!
> 
> Betaed by [earlybloomingparentheses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlybloomingparentheses), thank you so much! All the remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> And feel free to say hi to me on [tumblr](http://toyhto.tumblr.com)!

**AUTUMN  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
  
Sirius was just about to leave, when he saw the boy in the corner.  
  
He was quite sure he had never seen the boy before. Well, he had a habit of rather quickly forgetting most people he met, but surely he wouldn’t have forgotten someone like that. The boy was sitting crouched on a stool and looked like he hoped no one would see him, which was pretty much the opposite of what everyone else here was hoping for. He was wearing a dark grey coat that was too large for him, and his face was a little grey too but not completely unattractive, despite the scar that ran across his cheek and narrowly missed his left eye. He couldn’t have been much older than Sirius, not older than twenty-three, at least. He looked like the type who normally did anything for Sirius in bed and still said _please_ , except that it seemed he was willing everyone to stay away.  
  
Sirius asked for two shots of firewhiskey. He had a feeling he had slept with the bartender once but couldn’t be sure, so he ignored the flirting. He was busy, anyway. He took the glasses and walked up to where the strange boy was hoping he’d become invisible.  
  
“Here,” Sirius said and put one of the glasses on the table in front of the boy. “Why are you here if you aren’t looking for company?”  
  
“What?” the boy asked. He sounded younger than he looked.  
  
“You know what this place is, right? You know we’re all here looking for someone to sleep with?”  
  
The boy blinked.  
  
“Like, sex,” Sirius said slowly. The scar on the boy’s face looked terrible from this close. But he had pretty eyes. “With men. This is the place for men who want to have sex with men. That’s why we all are here.”  
  
“I think I should go,” the boy said and stood up.  
  
“Wait,” Sirius said. “Drink that first. You look like you need one.” And then he waited. The boy didn’t seem surprised about the idea that this was a dark room full of men looking for a man to shag, no, he looked more like he was embarrassed. That wasn’t usually the type Sirius went for. He didn’t have the patience. But now, for some reason, he thought he might take his chances. The boy was still standing but hadn’t left either, even though he looked thoroughly unhappy about still being here. “Come back to my place and sleep in my bed,” Sirius said, looking away from the boy. “We can fuck or not, your choice. You can just sleep if you want to. Tomorrow morning, we’re going to go for breakfast. I’ll pay. And lunch, too, if you’re still hungry.”  
  
“I’m not a charity case,” the boy said in a voice that suggested he was totally a charity case.  
  
“Of course not,” Sirius said and stretched his hand out to the boy. It was a gamble but well, he had a weakness for that. “I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Sirius Black.”  
  
The boy stared at him.  
  
“Yes,” he said, “ _that_ Sirius Black.”  
  
“But –“  
  
“So, your breakfast is on me tomorrow, and your lunch. And I’ll buy you a new coat if you want me to. You definitely need one. Don’t get me wrong, I like the colour, but you’re disappearing inside of it.”  
  
The look in boy’s eyes said that was the whole point, and also that he was considering Sirius’ offer even though he didn’t want to. “And why would you…”  
  
“I’m rich,” Sirius said. “And bored. And it’s already two o’clock in the morning and there’s no one in this room I’d rather shag than you.”  
  
The boy frowned. “But what if I don’t –“  
  
“I meant what I said. Just sleep in my bed. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. And you don’t need to touch me.” Sirius emptied his glass of firewhiskey. The boy still hadn’t touched his. “Obviously I’m betting that once we’re in my bed and I’m naked, you’re going to want to have sex. But if you don’t, that’s okay. I won’t make you. I swear on my mother’s life.” He hated his mother, but the boy probably didn’t know that.  
  
“I don’t get it,” the boy said, looking at him carefully.  
  
“What’s there to get?” he asked. “I’m rich and rich people are weird. I thought everyone knew that. Are you going to drink your firewhiskey? Because I was thinking about getting another one and I could get one for you, too. If you like it.”  
  
“I don’t drink,” the boy said and then blinked, “alcohol,” which was weird enough, because in a place like this, alcohol was the only way to make it somehow bearable. Maybe that was the reason why the boy looked so unhappy.  
  
Sirius shrugged and emptied the glass of firewhiskey, and then he thought about shouting at the bartender to bring him one more, but he had a feeling that might’ve spooked the strange boy. So, he sat up straight in his chair and tried to look as charming as he could. “What’s your name?”  
  
“Remus Lupin,” the boy said and then seemed to regret it, which was understandable, because that _was_ a stupid name.  
  
“Remus Lupin,” Sirius repeated. The name tasted kind of nice in his mouth. It tasted of firewhiskey, which coincidentally was what he had been drinking. “Are you going to sit down?”  
  
Remus shook his head slowly.  
  
“Alright,” Sirius said. “If I stand up and walk out of here and Disapparate home, are you going to come with me? And if not, what the fuck were you doing here in the first place?”  
  
Remus stared at him for a moment. “Home? You mean your mansion?”  
  
“It’s not a mansion,” he said. “It’s just a big house.”  
  
“But doesn’t your family –“  
  
“It’s just my mother and me,” he said. “My father’s useless, he won’t mind. And I can handle my mother. _Irresponsible pleasures,_ she calls it, but she thinks it’s mostly harmless. Anyway, I told you it’s a big house. You won’t see my mother.”  
  
Remus looked like he didn’t know what to do. Sirius stood up, put on his coat and then his gloves He was bluffing but Remus certainly didn’t know that. If Remus didn’t follow him, he would come back here and find someone else, anyone really, just for a quick shag before he would go home and feel sorry for himself.  
  
“Come with me if you want to,” he said to Remus and walked across the bar, out of the door and to the street.  
  
Remus followed him.  
  
The night was cold and the air tasted sharply of autumn. Knockturn Alley was quiet like it usually was on a Wednesday evening. From behind his back, he could still hear the faint murmur of people trying to chat each other up and decide who would sleep with whom tonight and who wouldn’t get any. There had been more people going there last year, hell, there had been more people even in the spring. The things were getting worse really fast, and he hated that. But he was already doing everything he could do to fix that. No point to think about it when he was this close to getting someone new in his bed.  
  
“A pretty night,” he said, and Remus didn’t say anything. The boy looked nervous. It was sweet, and kind of unsettling. “Hey,” he said in a quiet voice. No one would hear him except Remus. “You can just fuck off. Anytime. I’m only trying to get a pretty boy to come home with me, I’m not kidnapping you or anything. If you leave, the only trouble that you’re in is that you miss breakfast.”  
  
Remus licked his lips. He looked hungry.  
  
“You’ve probably heard stories about me,” Sirius said. “Most of them aren’t true.”  
  
“I’m not afraid of you,” Remus said, and it didn’t even sound like he was lying.  
  
“Alright,” Sirius said and offered his hand to Remus. “I should go now. People get chatty if they recognise me on the street at night. Come with me if you want to.”  
  
Remus took his hand.  
  
  
**  
  
  
He took Remus to the room upstairs. They had to walk up the stairs that creaked and muttered vague insults, but Sirius tapped one with the heel of his shoe and they all fell quiet. When he finally opened the door to his room and let Remus in, Remus stopped on the threshold.  
  
“You need to actually step in,” Sirius said. “This is an odd house. We don’t want to stand in the corridor or the paintings will speak.”  
  
Remus stepped into the room but didn’t look like he had been listening. He glanced around as if he had never seen a room before. Sirius walked to the bathtub that was already filling itself with hot water and started taking his clothes off. He lit a cigarette with a charm and made it wait for him in the air as he took off his trousers and socks and then finally his pants. Then he glanced over his shoulder to see Remus staring at his arse. Great. This would’ve been a mindless attempt if it had turned out Remus actually didn’t fancy men.  
  
“What’re you doing?” Remus asked in a thin voice, his eyes now fixed on Sirius’ face.  
  
“I’m taking a bath,” Sirius said, waved the cigarette to move closer and took a drag of it. “I like to do that when I come home at night. Unless I’m in a hurry to fuck someone. Am I?”  
  
Remus just stared at him.  
  
“This won’t take long,” he said. “You could sit on the sofa. Or have a glass of something, just tap the drink cabinet with the tip of your wand and say what you want. The cabinet’s quite polite, it won’t give you any trouble. Or you could check my library there in the corner, see? I bet there’re books you haven’t seen anywhere else. We have a lot more downstairs in the main library, of course, but I like to have a tiny personal collection up here. To impress men who like literature, you know.” He stepped into the tub and sat down in the water. It was just a little bit too hot, which was perfect. “Or you could go to bed, if you’re tired.”  
  
“I’m not tired,” Remus said.  
  
“Or you could just stand there and watch,” Sirius said and closed his eyes.  
  
It turned out that was what Remus did: he stood there and watched. He tried to look like he didn’t, but he did. He stared as Sirius washed himself all over, which wasn’t the point of this late-night bath at all, but just for Remus’ sake he was extremely thorough. He made sure to rub behind his balls and he even brushed his fingertip lightly against his arsehole. Remus flinched but didn’t turn away. Sirius might have gone further, but he had an odd feeling that Remus would just stare and stare and never tell him to stop.  
  
He got out of the bath, nodded at the towel to dry him, and then walked to the drink cabinet. If Remus was uncomfortable about seeing him naked, he could very well say something. And he didn’t. Sirius asked him if he wanted something and he shook his head. Sirius made the cabinet pour him a glass of red wine and then took it to the bedside table, and then he wondered if he ought to show Remus some of the books he had. Remus seemed like the type who could be persuaded into a number of slightly obscene things with poetry. But Sirius was actually getting tired and restless at the same time, and he was naked and Remus was just watching, and if there was going to be sex tonight, he wanted it now.  
  
He walked to the bed, sat down on the covers and sipped the wine. His dick was half-hard from all this bathing and being stared at, but he thought it fit the mood. He glanced at Remus and Remus shifted his weight from one foot to another.  
  
“I won’t sleep with you,” Remus said in a surprisingly calm voice. “But I’ll suck you if you like.”  
  
“What?” Sirius asked and then bit his lip. There was no reason to sound so surprised. He had had many men here who had wanted to suck his cock. But most of them had wanted something in return.  
  
“Take it or leave it.”  
  
Sirius took it.  
  
  
**  
  
  
In the morning, he woke up when the curtains were complaining about the weather. Apparently it was going to be a rainy day. He shot a sharp glance at the curtains and they fell silent, and then he closed his eyes again. His head was heavy with a hangover and too little sleep, but otherwise he felt fine. So, had he taken someone home last night? Bloody fucking hell if it was Rabastan again, he had promised himself that he wouldn’t -  
  
_Shit._  
  
He opened his eyes and rolled onto his left side. Remus Lupin was in his bed, probably sleeping, but he could only see Remus’ back so he couldn’t tell for sure. He was naked but Remus wasn’t – actually, it seemed that the only piece of clothing Remus had removed last night was the ridiculously large coat. Remus was wearing a dark green shirt that looked like it was from the 60’s and not in a good way. He hadn’t taken it off for the sex.  
  
Sirius took a deep breath. They had had sex, right? He thought they had. Or… Remus had offered to blow him and he had agreed, but apparently he had been more drunk than he had thought, because it was difficult to remember the exact proceedings. He _thought_ he had been lying down on his back here in the bed, and Remus had knelt down in between his thighs and held him down by his hips in a firm grip that had kind of suggested this wasn’t the first time for Remus, and when he had tried to talk, Remus hadn’t listened. But it didn’t matter. It had been just dirty talking that he’d picked up somewhere. And then Remus had… Remus had taken Sirius’ dick in his mouth and hadn’t protested at anything, anything at all. He had let Sirius grab his hair and fuck into his mouth, and he had swallowed, too.  
  
And it all had been quiet. They had been quiet, the room had been quiet, everything had been quiet. Sirius thought he remembered himself shoving his dick against the back of Remus throat – and maybe he should apologise for that, _clearly_ he had been pretty drunk – but there was no sound in the memory.  
  
He reached under the duvet and touched his dick. It was still there. And then he felt a little stupid, because what was he thinking, really? He had found someone desperate in a bar and brought the guy home and had his dick sucked. Yesterday wasn’t exactly the first time that had happened.  
  
Well, he had promised Remus breakfast, too. And lunch and a new coat. He held his breath and very slowly brushed his fingertips against the skin on the back of Remus’ neck. Remus had freckles there. Sirius pressed his thumb against the spot where he could see Remus spine underneath the skin, and then he heard the change in Remus’ breathing.  
  
“Good morning,” he said and pulled his hand away.  
  
Remus turned to him slowly. He had dark rings under his eyes like he hadn’t slept at all, and the way he was looking at Sirius suggested he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do now. Maybe he wasn’t used to one-night stands.  
  
“Hey,” Sirius said, his voice coming out hoarse. Well, he had always thought that was sexy. “You look like you’re thinking about disappearing. Don’t. I promised you breakfast.”  
  
Remus looked really worried about that.  
  
“You’re right,” Sirius said and rolled onto his back, “there’s no rush. Do you want to sleep a little longer? I don’t know if I can fall asleep again but I can pretend. Or I could read a book or something and let you have the bed. Or…” he cleared his throat, “or we could shag. Something that doesn’t take much energy, I’d say. A mutual wank, perhaps?”  
  
He waited, but Remus didn’t say anything. He barely heard Remus breathing.  
  
“Or not,” he said. “Whatever. What you did last night was nice, by the way. You didn’t have to…” He glanced at Remus. “Maybe I shouldn’t have…”  
  
“It’s alright,” Remus said, sounding like he didn’t care. Sirius wasn’t exactly sure Remus realised he was trying to apologise to Remus for any bad manners he might’ve shown while he had his cock shoved into Remus’ mouth, but that wasn’t his problem, was it?  
  
“Great,” he said and climbed off the bed. The headache felt odd this time, it wasn’t the usual kind. “I’m going to take a bath.”  
  
“Again?”  
  
“What do you mean, again?” he asked and tapped his wand against the edge of the tub.  
  
Remus said nothing.  
  
“I came into your mouth,” Sirius said and climbed to the bathtub. “Of course I’m going to take a bath. I don’t want to be sticky when we’re at breakfast. You can take a bath, too, if you like.” He glanced over his shoulder. Remus had sat up on the bed and was watching him. It was kind of weird that he hadn’t even seen Remus naked yet. “Actually, I insist. This is a nice bathtub, anyway. The spell is excellent. If the stories are right, it cost three horses.”  
  
“I don’t think I should –“  
  
“I’ll have our house-elf clean your clothes while you’re bathing.” He bit his lip. “It can patch them up, too.”  
  
Remus got slowly out of the bed and walked across the room to the bookshelf. Sirius tried to follow him with his gaze without making it obvious. He was tall, and skinny, and moved like he thought someone was watching and didn’t like it. He inspected the books but didn’t touch any of them and didn’t seem to forget that Sirius was right there, and finally Sirius stopped watching and finished his bath. Then he made the bathtub draw another one for Remus.  
  
“What?” he asked, when Remus was staring at him. “This is a nice thing I’m doing for you.”  
  
Remus opened his mouth and then closed it again.  
  
“Don’t you want me to watch? Is that it? Are you shy?”  
  
“I’m not _shy_ ,” Remus said. He was definitely shy.  
  
“Alright,” Sirius said and walked to the mirror. “Then I don’t see why you couldn’t just get into that bath.” He was almost certain Remus would just stand there, staring at him as if taking a bath was the last thing he would do. But when he picked up a razor and got ready to shave his chin, Remus suddenly walked to the bathtub and stared pulling off his clothes. He ignored Remus, and Remus ignored him but seemed to hesitate a little with his pants before tugging them down to his ankles. Then he stepped into the bath so quickly Sirius barely had time to catch a glimpse of his arse.  
  
Sirius leaned closer to the mirror and kept on shaving. If he was right, the way Remus sighed meant he had wanted the bath badly. But it was weird, the thing about his shoulders, which were pretty much the only part of his body that he couldn’t hide behind the edges of the tub. There were old white scars crossing his shoulders all over like someone had drawn them there.  
  
Sirius bit his lip and decided not to ask. But he kept on looking. Maybe it had something to do with the war. But the scars looked like they had been there for a long time, most of them at least. They looked like they had been there ever since Remus had been a child, and what could happen to a child that would leave scars like that?  
  
The room was quiet. The portraits were watching them, but they wouldn’t tell anyone. He had bribed them well enough. He shaved from under his chin and kept glancing at Remus, and Remus stayed still in the bath as if he was never going to finish now that he had finally got there.  
  
And then Sirius cut his skin. He only realised it when Remus froze and turned to stare at him. He stared back, and then he felt a sting on his throat. He looked at the razor. There was a drip of blood on it.  
  
He looked back at Remus. Last night, he had thought Remus looked hungry. He had been wrong.  
  
“Bloody hell,” he said.  
  
“Don’t move,” Remus said. His voice sounded stretched. He was grabbing the edges of the sink and his eyes were on the spot on Sirius’ throat that was probably bleeding.  
  
Sirius brushed his fingertips against his throat without thinking. His fingertips came back red.  
  
“ _Fuck_ ,” Remus said, but it sounded like it was echoing inside Sirius’ head. “Fix the cut. Now. _Please._ ”  
  
“Or what?” Sirius asked, but his hands were shaking a little. “Are you going to kill me?”  
  
“No,” Remus snapped, “no, no, I’m not. _Fix it._ ”  
  
Sirius cast a healing charm. Those weren’t his strongest suit but the cut was small and he managed to fix it on the first try, and then he cleaned the blood from his fingers. He could still feel the spot on his skin where he had cut the skin. He touched it, and Remus took a deep breath, still staring at him.  
  
“You’re a vampire,” he said.  
  
Remus breathed in and out, his mouth open. His shoulders rose and fell with the breathing.  
  
“I’ve never met a vampire before. There was one in the family but it was centuries ago, so…” Sirius made the closest chair come to him and sat down. “I didn’t realise.”  
  
“I didn’t tell you.”  
  
“But shouldn’t I have realised…”  
  
“No,” Remus said. Then he sighed and slowly let go of the edges of the tub. “Well, I’m doing my best to pass as a human. You could’ve guessed, but I tried not to give you any clues.”  
  
“What if I had…” Sirius was still holding the knife. “What if I had cut myself worse? Like, if there had been a lot of blood? Would you have attacked me?”  
  
“ _No_ ,” Remus said and stood up. Then he seemed to remember he was naked. He glanced down at his own body and then at Sirius, who didn’t bother to look away. He was still a little shaken about the whole vampire thing anyway. He looked up and down on Remus’ body. He could see the shape of Remus’ ribs as Remus breathed out. And there were scars on Remus’ stomach and chest and thighs, the same kind that he had on his shoulders.  
  
Remus climbed off the tub. Sirius snatched his clothes with a quick spell.  
  
“Kreacher can clean these,” he told Remus. “It’ll only take fifteen minutes.”  
  
“I need to go,” Remus said.  
  
“I thought you were staying for breakfast.”  
  
“I don’t _eat_ ,” Remus said and laughed but not happily. “Let me go, Sirius.”  
  
Maybe it was the way Remus said his name. “Okay,” he said. “I’m going to give you some of my old clothes to wear. And you can have yours back the next time we meet.”  
  
Remus stared at him with a look that clearly said there wasn’t going to be a next time. He walked to the wardrobe and had a short argument with it, because it was clearly trying to hide things again, but then it threw a pair of dark brown trousers and a perfectly fine shirt at him and he threw them at Remus. Then he talked the wardrobe into giving him a coat, too.  
  
“My coat’s fine,” Remus said.  
  
“No, it’s not,” Sirius said and gave him the coat. It had been Regulus’, he was certain of that. But he ignored the feeling in the pit of his stomach and looked down at Remus’ dick. That worked. Remus started putting on the clothes. They were about the right size and really quite nice, and they made the scar on Remus’ face look uglier somehow.  
  
He took Remus to the front door. It was much easier than lifting the charms so that Remus could Disapparate from inside the house. Outside, it was indeed raining, and the minute he opened the door he began craving another hot bath, a longer one this time, and a glass of red wine, and coffee, and breakfast, and someone nice who would pet his hair and his dick and maybe sit in his lap. But what he had instead was Remus Lupin, wearing his clothes, standing on the street and getting soaked through. He was looking at Sirius as if he wanted to say something and knew he wouldn’t.  
  
“I didn’t mean –,” Remus started finally and then let the ending fade away.  
  
“Nothing happened,” Sirius said, “don’t worry.” And then, without a reason, he added, “I’ll keep your secret.”  
  
“Thank you,” Remus said, and then he was gone.  
  
  
**  
  
  
Sirius went to see Dumbledore later that evening. The whole ordeal was boringly difficult – he had to ask the portrait of Phineas to go to talk to Dumbledore, and he absolutely hated Phineas. Then he had to wait for Dumbledore’s answer, and he was bad at waiting. He had breakfast alone and lunch with his mother and then he spent some time in the backyard, where there was a small river and an apple tree and a swing and the grass was getting too tall. He supposed he was the one who should tell Kreacher to do something about it. But he was tired, and he couldn’t stop thinking about Remus Lupin, and he really wanted to shag someone.  
  
Finally, Dumbledore sent Phineas to tell him that they could meet in the headmaster’s office. Dumbledore also sent him a portkey. It was an old sock and he definitely didn’t want to touch it, but these days he seemed to be doing a lot of things he didn’t want to, and not doing some things he very much wanted to. Maybe he was still thinking about Remus Lupin. He took the portkey and found himself standing in the middle of Dumbledore’s office. When he had still been at school, he had ended up here a few times and it hadn’t been a pleasure.  
  
“Good evening, Sirius,” Dumbledore said and pointed at the chair. “Sit down, please.”  
  
He had graduated two years ago. It was ridiculous that he still felt suddenly smaller when Dumbledore talked to him like that. He straightened his back and didn’t take the chair, and Dumbledore looked like he had been expecting exactly that.  
  
“How is he?” Sirius asked.  
  
“Your brother’s fine,” Dumbledore said. “But you aren’t here so that we can discuss that.”  
  
“What do you mean, fine?”  
  
“If you wanted to sit down –“  
  
“He’s _eighteen_ ,” Sirius said and bit his lip. “He’s too young for any of this, too young to be fighting this war for you –“  
  
“I believe whatever he judges to be the right way to act during these difficult times is his decision, and his decision only,” Dumbledore said. “Would you like some tea?”  
  
“He listens to you. If he thinks you want him to do it, he’s going to do it.”  
  
“Sirius,” Dumbledore said, “I assure you, your brother’s a very stubborn boy. A lot like yourself. I couldn’t make decisions for him even if I wanted to, and I don’t want to.”  
  
“Bullshit,” Sirius said, and then he sat down. The chair sighed. Clearly nothing in Dumbledore’s office liked him. “I’ll take that tea now, thank you. You just said yourself that he’s only a boy. Try to keep him safe.”  
  
“I’m trying to keep everyone safe,” Dumbledore said. A cup of tea appeared hovering in the air in front of Sirius’ face. He took it. It was cinnamon. “But as it happens,” Dumbledore went on, “there’re a few things you could do that would make it easier for me to try to keep your brother out of the worst to come.”  
  
Sirius sipped his tea. He wondered vaguely if Regulus knew that from the moment he had run away from home, Dumbledore had started making plans about how to use him. Obviously Dumbledore had made plans about how to use Sirius, too. Sometimes he felt like he was caught in a spiderweb, blindfolded.  
  
“Tell me,” he said. At least the tea was good.


	2. Autumn II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius meets old friends and goes hunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments for the first chapter! Here we go again!

Dumbledore hadn’t told him not to see James and Lily. He supposed that was because Dumbledore had forgotten, or maybe he had thought Sirius would figure it out on his own. He didn’t give a fuck either way.  
  
“You shouldn’t be here,” James said, looking at him with narrowed eyes.  
  
“Just let me in.”  
  
“Is it Sirius?” Lily called from inside the apartment. “Just let him in.”  
  
James stepped aside from the door. Sirius walked in and brushed the raincoat charm from his shoulders, and James locked the front door after him with the whole textbook of charms. The apartment itself hadn’t changed since he had last been here, except that it looked like no one had been cleaning it lately. There were piles of books everywhere, and empty cups of tea on the piles. Lily was in the kitchen, sitting at the table with another book opened before her. She looked tired but not as tired as James.  
  
“We didn’t think you’d come here for a while,” Lily said, watching Sirius as he took a chair and sat down.  
  
“Why? Did Dumbledore say something?”  
  
Lily and James glanced at each other.  
  
“Come on,” Sirius said. It didn’t come out as casual as he had hoped.  
  
“You know how it is,” James said. “We aren’t supposed to talk –“  
  
“I’m on the same fucking side as you.”  
  
“Yeah,” James said, not looking surprised that Sirius had wanted to point that out. Somehow it made it worse. “Albus says it’s better if we don’t know what the rest of us are doing. If we get caught –“  
  
“Yeah, I _know_.” Sirius took a deep breath and accepted the cup of tea Lily was floating at him. “I know what he says. Anyway, he wants me to go hunting with the whole Lestrange clan.”  
  
James glanced sharply at Lily. Lily passed the sugar to Sirius.  
  
“And I know I shouldn’t have told you,” Sirius said, “it’s just, I _need_ to tell someone. It’s different for you. There’s two of you. But I have to stay in that house with my mother, and Dumbledore expects me not to tell anyone what I…” He sipped his tea. There was too much sugar in it now. “I need to tell someone.”  
  
“I get it,” Lily said, obviously pretending that she didn’t see Sirius’ hands shaking. She was good at things like that. “And anyway, I’m glad to see you. We’ve been wondering how you are.”  
  
“I’m a fucking train wreck. And you?”  
  
“The same,” Lily said, frowning. “Have you… have you seen anyone? Of us, I mean?”  
  
“No.” He took a deep breath. “You know I’m supposed to be making friends with the other side.”  
  
“So you haven’t heard of anyone.”  
  
“No. What, do you have news?”  
  
Lily glanced at James, who was staring at the cabinet door.  
  
“Peter thinks someone broke into his apartment a few days ago,” she said slowly. “He says he’s fine but he’s not.”  
  
“I don’t think I’ve seen him in a year or so. Not after your wedding.”  
  
“Yeah,” she said, sounding a little apologetic in a way that made Sirius want to ask her to stop. “I don’t think that he’s suspicious of you exactly, it’s just… we’re all scared. Alice and Frank told me they don’t really talk to most of their friends anymore. Just in case.”  
  
“Just in case,” Sirius repeated, his voice coming out more bitter than he had wanted to. Maybe he should have been thankful that Lily and James still seemed to believe him, even though he was living in his family house and doing what Dumbledore wanted him to do. He cleared his throat. “I’m glad Frank and Alice are alright.”  
  
“Yeah,” Lily said, “yeah, they are… alright. So, you’re going hunting with the Lestranges?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Apparently. It’s the next weekend, from Friday to Sunday. I don’t know how Dumbledore finds out about these things. He told me they were going and that I should get myself invited, and then I sent a letter to Rabastan asking him for dinner on Friday, and he answered that I should come with them to the country-side.”  
  
“Country-side –“  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Lily glanced at James. Sirius sipped the tea. No one knew exactly where the Lestranges’ country house was situated, at least no one who would want to do anything about it if the hunting weekend went badly for Sirius. He had known Rabastan for all his life and obviously he knew Rodolphus and Bellatrix, too, and he supposed they trusted him. But he was well aware that one day, that trust was going to be gone. Dumbledore wanted him to use it as long as he could, because when all his friends on the dark side would realise he was having tea with Albus Dumbledore, they would stop talking to him and probably murder him soon after.  
  
“We’re taking a portkey from Rabastan’s house in the city,” he said. “Rabastan told me I could bring someone,” he added then, mostly to stop himself from thinking about his upcoming funeral and all the unpleasant happenings that would probably occur before it.  
  
It was too bad that the look on Lily and James’ face didn’t get any less grim. “Someone?”  
  
“Yeah. A date.”  
  
Lily and James looked even more concerned now, if that was even possible.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Sirius said. “I’m not going to drag someone innocent to the Lestrange house.”  
  
“You aren’t seeing anyone now, are you?” Lily asked. It was one of the clumsiest attempts at small talk Sirius had heard ever since this political crisis had started turning into a proper war, whatever that meant.  
  
“No,” he said, “no, I’m not seeing anyone.”  
  
He left soon after that. James and Lily both hugged him in the hallway but also looked relieved to see him go. He wondered if they were going to tell Dumbledore he had been here and found that he couldn’t make himself be disappointed at the thought. The war was bigger than any of them and he fucking knew that. It was going to eat them all. Maybe he should have been happy that James and Lily had let him in.  
  
In the evening, he had dinner with his mother. They had steak that looked like it had been breathing not a long time ago. Mother didn’t talk much so he didn’t either, and the piano in the corner of the dining hall was playing one of the saddest songs in its repertoire.

**

He waited two days until he went back to the bar in Knockturn Alley. The bartender definitely flirted with him, and he told himself that if he didn’t go home with anyone else tonight, he would take the bartender with him. He very much didn’t specify to himself who that _anyone_ might have been. That would have been crazy. This was the worst possible time to get attached to someone new and besides, the only thing he knew about vampires was that it was best to avoid them.  
  
Remus walked in a little before midnight. He was wearing Sirius’ clothes. Sirius waited until it was obvious that Remus had seen him and wasn’t going to come to him, and then he walked over to Remus.  
  
“I’ve got your clothes,” he said. “Follow me.”  
  
Remus glanced at him with wide eyes and a kind of terrified expression.  
  
“It’s not a trap,” he said and then took a deep breath. It wasn’t exactly stupid for Remus to be suspicious. “Or you can tell yourself I want to get into your pants. It’s kind of true, anyway. But that’s the only thing I’m trying to set up here.”  
  
Remus cleared his throat. “I didn’t think…”  
  
“You didn’t think I’d be interested after I found out what you are,” Sirius said quietly enough that no one else would hear. “Well, you were wrong. Now, come with me so I can give you your clothes. My house-elf spent a half an hour on them, don’t be an ungrateful git.”  
  
“I’m not,” Remus said and stood up. His movements were slow as if he was carefully trying not to look like a threat, which was fucking pointless, wasn’t it? If he had wanted to kill Sirius, obviously he wouldn’t have done it in the bar where everyone was staring.  
  
“Come on,” Sirius said and walked out of the bar. On the street, he had time to light up a cigarette before Remus joined him, and then he grabbed Remus’ wrist and Apparated to the front door of his house. The doorbell swore at him. It didn’t like cigarettes. He ignored it and then made Remus wait in the entry hallway for a moment, when he checked that Mother was in the library. Having Remus in the house seemed a little riskier now that Remus wasn’t just a random bloke he was shagging.  
  
He managed to get Remus into his room without anyone noticing. There, he sat down on the edge of the bed and charmed the armchair to follow Remus until Remus sat down too. He gave Remus back his clothes, neatly folded and cleaned and patched. He had personally tried to fix the colour of the shirt. That hadn’t worked out well, but the clothes still looked much better now than they had before. He took a drag of the cigarette and watched as Remus hesitantly opened his top button.  
  
“I don’t want those back,” he said, when Remus had managed to open quite a few buttons and looked very uncomfortable. “My clothes, I mean. They’re yours.”  
  
Remus’ hands stopped. “I can’t accept that.”  
  
“Sure, you can,” Sirius said. “I insist. And I generally take it badly when people refuse me. It’s got something to do with the upbringing, I suppose. So, you went back to the bar.”  
  
He could see Remus swallowing.  
  
“I wouldn’t mind if that was because you thought I’d be there.”  
  
Remus looked like he wanted to disappear.  
  
“As it turns out, you were right,” Sirius said and pointed at himself with the cigarette. “I was there. And I hoped you would come.”  
  
“Why?” Remus asked, as if it wasn’t obvious.  
  
“I thought I made my intentions pretty clear the other day. We could fuck, or you can just sleep in my bed, if you want to.”  
  
Remus looked at him like that didn’t explain anything. “But you didn’t know then.”  
  
“Know what?” Sirius asked and put the cigarette away, watching Remus glare at him. It was a little funny. “That you’re a vampire?” he added and tried to memorise the shudder that went through Remus’ body. “You mean that?”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said through gritted teeth.  
  
“I’ve been thinking about that,” Sirius said. He had. Of everything that had been going on lately, it was one of the more pleasant things to think about that he had accidentally slept with a vampire. Or had a vampire blow him, to be precise. “I won’t deny that I was a little surprised. But I don’t see why that matters.”  
  
“You don’t see _why it matters_ –“  
  
“Are you planning to kill me and feed on me?” Sirius asked, and Remus looked at him as if it offended his feelings that Sirius would even ask that. “So I thought. Sorry if I’m wrong, but I’d guess you’re the kind of a bloke who apologises even when someone else makes a mistake. No offence but I don’t think you’re planning to murder me.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said slowly, “no, I’m not, but… what happened the last time, I mean, if you cut yourself or something, I might…”  
  
“Attack me?” Sirius crossed his legs. “I’m going to try to keep myself in one piece when I’m around you, alright? And I can defend myself. I was quite good at Defence Against Dark Arts at Hogwarts. And I know a lot of spells that are strictly speaking illegal but quite effective. That stuff comes with the family, kind of. So don’t worry. If you try to kill me, I’ll kill you first.”  
  
Remus looked a little relieved at that. It was grim in a way that probably shouldn’t have made Sirius think about sex.  
  
“I’m going to have a glass of wine,” he said and stood up. “Is there something I could get for you? Or do you only drink blood?”  
  
“Pretty much,” Remus said, his eyes following Sirius as he walked across the door to the drink cabinet.  
  
“Too bad,” he said. The cabinet poured him a glass of wine. He walked back to the bed and sat down again. “You can’t get drunk, then.”  
  
“It’s probably better if I don’t.”  
  
“But _can_ you?”  
  
“Not from alcohol,” Remus said in a stretched voice.  
  
“Not from alcohol?”  
  
Remus looked away from him. “Sometimes, if I drink too much blood too suddenly, or if it’s… extremely good, that’s a bit like… like getting drunk.”  
  
“Extremely good?” Sirius repeated, but Remus didn’t seem eager to explain that, so he decided to change the subject. And he had been curious anyway. “What about sex?”  
  
Remus shifted in the armchair, and the armchair winced. “What do you mean, what about sex?”  
  
“Why didn’t you shag me the other night?”  
  
Remus just stared at him.  
  
“You’re able, right? I’ve seen your dick, I suppose it works like –“  
  
“Yes,” Remus cut in.  
  
“You can get hard, then.”  
  
“Yes, I can –“ Remus took a deep breath. “I don’t see why we’re talking about my dick.”  
  
The genuine answer, Sirius thought, was probably that they were talking about Remus’ dick because that was the only thing right now that didn’t remind him of Regulus, or the war, or Dumbledore’s requests, or Lily’s tired eyes, or the Lestrange country house where he was supposed to spend the weekend, trying to get closer to everyone Dumbledore wanted to put in Azkaban.  
  
“The way I see it,” he told Remus, “is that you walked into a place where men are looking for other men to hook up with, and then you walked out of there with me, blew me and slept in my bed, and now when I went back to see if I could find you, you came there again, looking for me. Have you been there every night since we met? Hoping that I’d come?”  
  
Remus looked away from him.  
  
“I’ve been thinking about you,” he said, his voice suddenly coming out gentler. “So if you have been looking for me, I’m just glad about that.”  
  
“I shouldn’t,” Remus said, sounding thoroughly unhappy. It was fascinating. Sirius knew a lot of unhappy people but they usually sounded angry. He had known ever since he had been a kid that it was a cover, but it was a good one. And he supposed he did it, too.  
  
Now, what he wanted was to have Remus in his bed, preferably naked and on knees and elbows, but he wouldn’t be picky. Anything would go as long as Remus would be breathless and anxious for Sirius to get him off in one way or another. Certainly he couldn’t look so unhappy then. It just wasn’t physically possible.  
  
“I would’ve fucked you if you had wanted me to, you know. Or maybe the other way around.”  
  
“Can we talk about something else?” Remus asked. He sounded like he was panicking a little.  
  
Sirius stared at him for a few seconds and then decided to let it go. They had the whole night, after all. “Where do you live?”  
  
Remus blinked at him.  
  
“Do you live in London? Do you have an apartment? Or do you… do you live in a cave or a well or something? Because I’ve heard stories.”  
  
“I can’t turn into a bat,” Remus said in a tight voice. “Those stories aren’t true.”  
  
“I wasn’t thinking about those stories,” Sirius said. He had been thinking about those stories. “Are you homeless?”  
  
“No,” Remus said too quickly and then cleared his throat. “No, I have a… I’m sharing a flat with someone.”  
  
“Another vampire?”  
  
“ _No_.”  
  
“A human? What if they, I don’t know, cut their hand or something? Like I did the last time?”  
  
“I can control myself,” Remus said, sounding angry now. Maybe he wasn’t so different from everyone Sirius knew, after all. “Usually. It was just that…”  
  
“What?” Sirius asked, leaning forward.  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“You already started.”  
  
Remus glared at him. “You were… I had already… I knew your scent, because we…”  
  
“You knew my scent,” Sirius repeated and then bit his lip. “You had had my dick in your mouth, and that’s why you wanted to drink my blood so badly. Is that a good thing?”  
  
“Not if you want to live,” Remus said.  
  
Sirius hadn’t been certain of that for a while now, but he wasn’t going to bring _that_ up. “Does it happen every time? You suck someone and then want to feed on him later?”  
  
Remus looked like he was trying to dig himself into the armchair, as if it was a way out. It was a mystery why he hadn’t left already – or maybe it wasn’t. Sirius wondered what would have happened if he had cut his hand now. Or dropped his pants. “I don’t know,” Remus said finally. “I don’t usually stay for the night.”  
  
“You don’t?” Sirius asked. He wasn’t the least surprised.  
  
“No.”  
  
“So, why did you? Stay for the night, I mean?”  
  
“It was the deal,” Remus said slowly.  
  
“I also said you could leave anytime you want.”  
  
Remus cleared his throat.  
  
“Like now. You could leave now, too. You hate that I keep asking about this.”  
  
Remus just stared at him.  
  
He sipped his wine. He didn’t remember when he had last eaten, so perhaps that was why he was beginning to feel light in the head. “So, do you like your flatmate?”  
  
“My… yeah. Yes, he’s fine.”  
  
“A wizard?”  
  
“No,” Remus said slowly. “A wizard might guess what I am.”  
  
“Was it difficult to find a place to live in London?” Sirius asked and smiled a little. Remus looked like he had been hit in the face. This was going very well. “I hear the rents have been rising lately. I wouldn’t know about that. We’ve had this house in the family for a few hundred years, I think. A lovely house, just a little aggressive sometimes. And full of traps. What’s your flatmate like?”  
  
“He’s…” Remus swallowed. “I don’t talk to him much. Mostly, we’re trying to avoid each other.”  
  
“How long have you been in London?”  
  
“Just a few weeks.”  
  
“Is there any specific reason, or did you just –“  
  
“I needed a job,” Remus said in a surprisingly steady voice. “Things are getting worse. I needed money.”  
  
“A man’s got to eat,” Sirius said in a light tone. He was getting good at guessing what would make Remus uncomfortable.  
  
“I only hunt animals,” Remus said, staring at him as if it was important that he believed Remus.  
  
“You’ve never tasted human blood, then.”  
  
Remus flinched.  
  
“I won’t tell anyone,” Sirius said and finished his glass of wine. Then he went to get another. “Was it good? Or have you done it many times? I suppose human blood must taste better than animal blood, otherwise what would be the point in killing humans, right? So, how did you do it? Did you –“ He dropped the rest when he heard, from behind his back, Remus stand up from the chair.  
  
“I’ll just go now,” Remus said. His hands were shaking a little. “Can you let me out?”  
  
Sirius swallowed.  
  
“Please,” Remus said.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said slowly and turned to him. “What if I promise I won’t try to make you talk about it anymore?”  
  
Remus glared at him.  
  
“Honestly.” He took a deep breath. He didn’t want to sleep alone. “We can have a normal conversation. I’m good at small talk, I promise. We can talk about weather. And you can sleep in my bed if you want to.”  
  
“You would let me sleep in your bed –“  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Remus looked at him as if wondering what the hell was wrong with him. He had been wondering that for a long time and hadn’t figured it out, so he wasn’t going to bother letting it distract him now.  
  
“If you want to suck my cock, I’d very much like that,” he said, making a vague gesture with the hand that was holding the wine glass. That was a mistake. He spilled wine on his shirt and then spent a few seconds staring at the stain. It looked almost like blood. But he supposed Remus didn’t think so, because he didn’t seem to have any problems not attacking Sirius.  
  
“I don’t think I’m going to,” Remus said, and it took Sirius a moment to realise they were talking about Remus sucking his dick.  
  
“Alright,” he said, walked to the bed and sat down. A moment later, Remus sat down in the armchair slowly as if he already thought it was a mistake.  
  
It was a little difficult to talk to Remus without mentioning something Remus didn’t want to talk about. But then Sirius started talking about school and it turned out that Remus wanted to hear everything about it. So he told Remus about Hogwarts, and then after a while managed to make Remus talk about his magic, which was wandless and sounded a lot different than the magic witches and wizards had. Remus seemed shy about it but he talked anyway, and Sirius only realised how tired he was when he was laying down on the bed and Remus was walking a tiny circle on the floor, still talking in half-sentences about things like making the time slow down for a moment. Sirius wondered if perhaps he was dreaming now. But when he asked Remus to come to bed with him, Remus did exactly that, lying down at his side, fully clothed. He told Remus that it was okay to get naked. Remus ignored him. His mind was soft and slow and he supposed it was because of the wine, but it felt a lot like magic. His skin was tingling, too. He couldn’t hear Remus breathing but when he checked, Remus was still there.  
  
In the morning, he woke up with fatigue like he had slept much less than he actually had. Remus was still as a corpse besides him, but when he touched Remus’ shoulder, Remus got out of the bed and excused himself. Sirius let him out of the house and then drank three cups of coffee in the kitchen before he felt he was at least half-awake.

**

The dogs were barking. Sirius put his wand back in his pocket and squinted at the moors. The wand still felt warm through the layers of fabric.  
  
“You got it,” Rabastan said, walking up to him. “Good job.”  
  
The dog fetched the grouse. Sirius rested his hands on his hips and didn’t say anything when Rabastan patted him on the shoulder and let the hand stay there for a moment. He had a vague idea that it had been like this in the beginning: casual touching that went on for a little bit too long, and no way to interpret it until one day Rabastan had pulled him aside in a house party and pushed a hand into his pants.  
  
They walked back to the house. The others were there already, probably wondering why they hadn’t Apparated. It had started raining. Rabastan brushed his fingers against the back of Sirius’ neck while patting him on the back, a damp touch like a wind with rain in it hitting you in the face. They were still at the yard and the others were probably watching them through the windows. Sirius didn’t give a fuck. He followed Rabastan to the house and then walked up to his bedroom upstairs, let the house-elf draw him a bath and chatted a little with the valet who was young and good-looking and had clever careful fingers while shaving Sirius’ chin for dinner. So, maybe the valet was why Rabastan hadn’t been in touch lately.  
  
Dinner was awful. Sirius was sitting in between Bellatrix and a woman he hadn’t met before. Her name was Elisabeth something and she couldn’t stop talking about what her family had done in the 17th century, which was exactly what she was supposed to be talking about at an event like this, so someone was probably hoping Rabastan would take a fancy to her. Once or twice Sirius had thought maybe the war was a kind of cursed blessing too. His mother was so busy trying to avoid thinking about it that she didn’t seem eager to plan for a wedding. Or find a bride.  
  
There wasn’t much else to do there than eat and drink and nod at the right moments and look like he belonged in this company, which he kind of did, which only made it worse. But he supposed Dumbledore would be happy. He laughed at the right jokes and didn’t make his own, and only when he was alone later, smoking in the library, he let the façade drop. That was when Rabastan found him.  
  
“My face hurts from all the smiling,” Rabastan said and sat next to him on the sofa, even though there were plenty of sofas in the room.  
  
“Maybe we should just agree to stop smiling.”  
  
“And stare each other to death,” Rabastan said. “I’d like that. Why not.”  
  
“When we were kids,” Sirius said, leaning the back of his neck against the sofa and closing his eyes, “or Bella was a teenager already, well, anyway she used to have a very specific stare that she’d use when she thought we were being childish. It was terrible. It felt like, I don’t know, someone had dunked you in a bucket of ice.”  
  
“ _We_ –“  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“You and –“  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Rabastan shifted on the sofa. Sirius felt the cushions moving. “Shame what happened to him.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I hear he’s pretty close to Dumbledore these days.”  
  
“I don’t know. I don’t exactly talk to him,” Sirius said and then felt Rabastan setting his hand heavy on his thigh. It was too close to his crotch to be anything other than suggestive. He covered it with his own hand and squeezed, and Rabastan kissed him on the mouth.  
  
They fucked in his bedroom. It was slow, as it had always been between them, and started with some wrestling, like it always had, because they couldn’t seem to be able to decide who was about to do what any other way. But maybe Rabastan had been missing Sirius, because he gave up easily enough and seemed happy to stay on his elbows and knees while Sirius fucked him. And after, he stayed in Sirius’ bed for far longer than was necessary, didn’t seem to want to talk about anything, kissed Sirius with an unexplainable tenderness and then sneaked out when Sirius dozed off.  
  
Back in Grimmauld’s Place, Phineas fucking Nigellus followed Sirius around the house, pissing off all the other paintings, until finally Sirius agreed to arrange a meeting with Dumbledore. He didn’t tell Dumbledore that he had fucked Rabastan, but he had a feeling that Dumbledore read it in his thoughts and thought it was surprisingly clever. After, he felt like he had been hit by a hippogriff, which had happened to him once and hadn’t been fun. And then his mother wanted to talk about the ancient curse in the cellars. Apparently they should do something about it, because it was affecting the wine now.


	3. Autumn III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's fresh air and jealousy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and we meet one uncle we all know but actually never met in canon.

He went back to the bar in Knockturn Alley the night after he came back from having slept with Rabastan. If he concentrated, he still felt a little boneless like every time he had sex, and also he could still smell Rabastan’s cologne in the air. Another explanation for that might have been that maybe Rabastan had been in the bar earlier and had found someone and left.  
  
Sirius stayed until three in the morning and then went home. There, he wanked in the bath, dozed off and woke up when the water in the bath was cold and Kreacher was eyeing him from the corner with badly concealed worry in its face. He told it to fuck off and went to bed. In the morning he woke up angry at himself and everyone else and spent the day in the library, reading about ancient cellar curses and how to stop them from ruining the wine.  
  
That night, he had only been in the bar for half an hour when Remus showed up. It wasn’t midnight yet. He stood up and walked out of the bar, and Remus looked deeply confused but followed him anyway, which made his skin tingle in a way that was frankly a little worrying. He fucking hoped he wasn’t allergic to Remus or something. He grabbed Remus’ arm. Remus was tense as if waiting for an execution or something, and then Sirius Apparated out with him.  
  
“We should be quiet,” he said before opening the door to his house. “I bet mother’s not sleeping yet. There’s a curse in the cellar and she’s been a bit worried.”  
  
“A curse –“  
  
“Nothing new, it’s been there for a hundred years at least. But now the wine is reacting badly to it. Come on.”  
  
They sneaked upstairs. The piano was playing a jazz tune like it often did when it thought Sirius’ mother wasn’t listening. Sirius didn’t know where it had learned about jazz. Maybe there was more going on in this house than he knew. He pushed Remus into his room and locked the door carefully, even though it had been at least five years since his mother had come upstairs. He took a deep breath and turned to Remus.  
  
“What did you –,” Remus began and then closed his mouth and swallowed. He looked paler than the last time. Or maybe Sirius was imagining it. Maybe it was the light in the room, sometimes it was in a bad mood and played tricks on him.  
  
“Yeah?” he asked, when Remus still looked like he wanted to say something and was trying to stop himself.  
  
“You –,” Remus said, paused and frowned.  
  
“I what?”  
  
“Slept with someone,” Remus said, pushed his hands into his pockets and turned to look at the mirror on the wall. What was there instead of his reflection looked like a ghost of him.  
  
Sirius cleared his throat and tried to make sense of what Remus had said, or rather, how he was supposed to react. Probably not with the lazy pleasure that was sinking down into his bones. “I have slept with someone?”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said, not looking at him. “I can smell it.”  
  
“You can smell that I’ve slept with someone –“  
  
Remus nodded and then walked to the bookshelf with tense steps.  
  
“You’re jealous,” Sirius said. It was ridiculous and it tasted like honey in his mouth as he said it out loud. _Fucking hell._ “Remus, darling, we aren’t _together._ ”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“We haven’t even fucked. Not that I haven’t asked, but you haven’t been eager to –“  
  
“It’s not that,” Remus cut in. He sounded like he was panicking a little. “I know that we aren’t… anything. And it’s not like I didn’t want to. I _sucked_ your _dick_ , that’s… I _wanted_ to.”  
  
“Yeah, I remember.” Sirius kind of wanted to sit down but he felt like he’d fall on his face if he tried to move. Weird. He didn’t remember drinking more than a few glasses of wine.  
  
“Who was it?”  
  
“Just an old friend of mine. Or more like… a family friend. There’s nothing going on.” He cleared his throat. “Why are you jealous of me sleeping with someone else?”  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
“Not that I don’t like it,” Sirius said. His head was swimming a little. Maybe it was the damn curse. It had ruined the wine and now it was going to ruin him. Well, at least Dumbledore couldn’t bother him once he was dead. “Because I do. I like it. It’s nice. It’s like… like we have something going on, something that I don’t understand at all. Because you didn’t want to sleep with me, darling, I asked and you didn’t want to, and I don’t know what that was about, because you seem to like me a little. You stared at my bare arse the other day. And you came back to that place to find me. And…” He blinked. The walls were moving. They did it sometimes but this time he thought it was him. “I think I need to sit down.”  
  
He took a step towards the bed and stumbled on his feet. He prepared to hit his face on the floor – wouldn’t be the first time – but that didn’t happen, and then he realised vaguely that Remus was holding him by the elbow quite firmly.  
  
“Come on,” Remus said, walked him to the bed and helped him to sit down on the edge. He realised he couldn’t sit, so he lay down on his back instead. He didn’t feel bad, just tired and a little confused about what was going on. But he was warm all over, and his skin felt nice, like someone was petting him or something, and he was pretty sure his cock was getting hard.  
  
“ _Remus_ ,” he said, because Remus needed to know that something weird was happening. It could be the house. It could be anything. Maybe Dumbledore had put a spell on him to stop him from having sex with anyone who wouldn’t help him with the Cause. That would be just like Dumbledore. The old bastard probably wanted no one else to get off, ever, unless it helped him to win the war.  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said and backed to the furthest corner from where he watched Sirius, if Sirius saw right. He couldn’t quite focus his eyes. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t…”  
  
“Sorry? Sorry about what?”  
  
“It’s the…” Remus took a deep breath. “It’s my magic.”  
  
Sirius blinked. He wanted to laugh so he did, and then he wondered what had been so funny. But he was too tired to really think about it. “ _What?_ ”  
  
“It’s my magic,” Remus said, sounding utterly unhappy. Sirius wanted to tell him that it was alright. Everything was alright. “It’s… I didn’t think this would happen, but you had… I could smell someone else on you. And I should be able to control it better, but I kind of like you, and you’ve fucked someone else. It’s just a little difficult to keep it back.”  
  
“Keep what back?”  
  
“My magic.” Remus was quiet for a while. Sirius didn’t mind. He was listening to his own heartbeat. “You’re prey.”  
  
That sounded like it was important. “I’m _what?”  
  
_“I was never going to hurt you,” Remus said in a hasty voice. “I just wanted to find someone to, I don’t know, have sex with. But you were so… I couldn’t control it so I thought it’d be better if we didn’t, and it’s easier to stay in control if I don’t get off, so I thought sucking your dick would be fine, and it _was_ , you seemed alright. And the other time, too. But now I can’t keep it back. I should think about something else, but you _smell_ of him –“  
  
Sirius tried very hard to think about what Remus was telling him. “You’re doing something to me. It’s not the wine. Or the curse.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, apparently trying to get further away from him, but there was nowhere to go, “no, it’s not the curse. It’s me. I’m sorry. I can’t help it. It’s my –“  
  
“Your magic,” Sirius said and closed his eyes. It felt _good._ “Are you charming me so that you can suck my blood?”  
  
“I’m not going to do that,” Remus said. “But, yes.”  
  
“It feels great.”  
  
“Yeah, I _know._ I’m aware of how it works.”  
  
“You’re making me feel great so that I wouldn’t fight back when you kill me.”  
  
“I’m not going to kill you,” Remus said, and Sirius wanted to tell him that he could stop repeating that, but it seemed like a waste of words. He wasn’t worried anyway. He felt like he would happily keep his eyes closed and let Remus do anything to him.  
  
“Would it hurt?” he asked.  
  
“Not at first,” Remus said. He sounded shocked, but Sirius couldn’t make himself care. “But then the charm would fall off.”  
  
“When –“  
  
“When it’d be too late for you to do anything about it.”  
  
Well, that sounded like something that should have been a little worrying. Mother had always said he was too reckless for his own good. “You’ve done it, then.”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said.  
  
“With animals. You’ve charmed then and sucked their blood.”  
  
“Yes. That’s…”  
  
“But you weren’t thinking about killing me,” Sirius said, opened his eyes and tried to look at Remus. The walls had stopped moving. Remus was staring at him with a terrified look on his face as if Sirius might drop dead any second or something. “You were thinking about fucking me.”  
  
“They’re connected,” Remus said, almost whispering.  
  
“Sounds practical,” Sirius said. “So, you charm me and get me to the bed and fuck me and then when I’m out of my mind, you just bite my throat.”  
  
Remus shook his head slowly.  
  
“Very practical,” Sirius said and managed to sit up on the bed. “Why am I feeling more like myself now?”  
  
“Because I hate this conversation.”  
  
“So, you aren’t thinking about killing me now.”  
  
“I’ve never been thinking about…” Remus paused. “I wouldn’t have done it.”  
  
“Wait,” Sirius said, even though Remus didn’t look like he was going anywhere. “So, if we fuck, I’m going to feel like you’ve charmed me?”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said. “Because I’ve charmed you.”  
  
“And you can’t help it.”  
  
“Maybe,” Remus said slowly, “if I wasn’t… if you weren’t so… if I didn’t want to…”  
  
“If you didn’t want to kill me.”  
  
“I don’t want to _kill_ –“  
  
“Quiet,” Sirius said, and Remus shut up immediately like someone who was used to being bossed around. Well, that was interesting. But Sirius had more pressing issues to think about. He pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead and tried to think. He could still feel Remus’ magic working under his skin, pulling him back down on the bed. “This thing between you and me, it’s starting to sound a little tricky,” he said.  
  
Remus looked very unhappy about that. Sirius wondered if he was actually delighted or if it was the charm.  
  
“I like you, though,” he said. “And my life’s been a fucking nightmare lately. I’d rather not discard something that I like from it. So, _do_ you want to sleep with me? Honestly? Or just kill me? Because I’m not sure I’d be up for that.”  
  
“I want to sleep with you,” Remus said, his eyes wide. It was kind of funny. He was supposed to be the scary one, but he was looking at Sirius like he was afraid of what Sirius might say next. “It’s just, it’s hard to separate it from wanting to…”  
  
“Drink.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And if we fuck, I’m going to feel like I’ve been charmed up to my neck.”  
  
“Yeah, it depends…” Remus paused. “Depends on how excited I get.”  
  
“If the sex is good, I’m going to be completely helpless.”  
  
“Pretty much,” Remus said, sounding like he was about to throw up.  
  
“Doesn’t sound too bad,” Sirius said.  
  
“Doesn’t –“  
  
“Yeah. Obviously, we should talk about it first.”  
  
Remus stared at him. “Are you mad or something?”  
  
Well, yeah, he probably was. He thought about Dumbledore’s smug face and plans the old man couldn’t bother to share with anyone else, he thought about James and Lily in their flat full of books as if they could solve this by reading, he thought about Regulus who had run away from home three years ago and none of them had understood what it would come to mean later, and he thought about himself two days ago, smiling at Rodolphus’ jokes like Dumbledore’s little puppet that he was.  
  
“No, I’m perfectly sane,” he said to Remus and started opening the buttons of his shirt. “So, the rules are that you aren’t allowed to do anything that leaves a mark. And don’t kill me either. I wouldn’t like that. You probably shouldn’t drink my blood anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of my ancestors might’ve managed to put a curse in there or something. So, no killing, no drinking, no marking me, but pretty much everything sexually pleasant is fine with me. You can fuck me. Or make me fuck you. Whatever is your cup of tea. Or your cup of blood, so to speak. And –“  
  
“Stop –“  
  
He pulled the shirt off his shoulders and started opening his trousers. He had convinced shy men to sleep with him before, only usually they had been worried about their reputation and not about accidentally killing him. “As you know, I slept with someone two days ago. That was Rabastan Lestrange. We’ve been having some kind of a thing going on for years, actually. Nothing romantic, but well, we’ve known each other for a long time and when we were teenagers, we found out that we both preferred men in bed. I think he might’ve been a little lonely or something the other night, because he let me fuck him quite easily. Usually the negotiation takes a little longer. But he got onto his knees nicely enough, and he’s pretty, you know, the kind of a bloke that everyone glances at when he enters the room. You probably don’t know what that’s like. But well, there he was, in my bed, waiting to be fucked, so I tugged his trousers to his knees and did a few appropriate charms and then pushed my dick right into his arsehole. He was very –“  
  
It washed over him like a wave of… of something, he couldn’t remember the words. He had been trying to open his shoelaces but that seemed impossible now. He realised he was lying back on the bed again, and Remus was standing next to the bed, watching him with a look that was hard to put into words. Something between lust and hunger. He supposed he should have been scared. He wasn’t. He closed his eyes and wondered if Remus was going to fuck him or what, and then he passed out.

**

When he woke up, it was the morning. He tried to sit up but felt as if a wire had been cut between his mind and his limbs. He could move but very slowly, like he was a spider drowning in a jar of jelly. He had seen that happen. It wasn’t nice. He thought about spiders, and then Remus was there, grabbing his elbow and helping him to sit up.  
  
“You’re a fucking idiot,” Remus said.  
  
“Good morning,” Sirius said. His mouth wasn’t working properly, either. The words sounded slurred. “And trust me, I know. How long before I’m going to… sober up, so to speak?“  
  
“I don’t know,” Remus said. “I don’t usually linger to find out.”  
  
“Usually…” Sirius bit his lip. “I’m a jealous person too, you know. And I know something of dark magic. Maybe you shouldn’t be talking about your other boyfriends with me.”  
  
“I don’t have other boyfriends,” Remus said and then cleared his throat. “I mean, I don’t have a –“  
  
“I passed out,” Sirius cut in. It was difficult to remember exactly what had happened, but he was pretty sure about that detail. If he had been conscious, surely he would’ve remembered a bit more. He had remembered it when Remus had sucked his dick the first time they had met. “I wasn’t expecting that.”  
  
“Well, you were deliberately trying to make me charm you, which was absolutely stupid, by the way. You don’t have a fucking clue what could have happened.”  
  
“Nothing worse than you killing me, I suppose.”  
  
That silenced Remus for a second. He still had his hand on Sirius’ elbow, though, and it didn’t seem like he was planning to let go.  
  
“Did you do it? Did you make me pass out?”  
  
“I didn’t mean to,” Remus said and sighed. “I tried to control it as long as I could, but you just wouldn’t stop talking. It’s supposed to work slowly, you know. My charm. So the prey doesn’t know what’s happening. But I tried to hold back and then when I lost it, it was too much for you.”  
  
“What did we do?”  
  
“Nothing,” Remus said and let go of his arm. He felt a little unsteady but didn’t fall onto his face. “Well, I kissed you a little. I’m sorry. That was –“  
  
“Perfectly alright,” Sirius said. “I’m just sorry I wasn’t there to witness it. Did you bite me?”  
  
“No,” Remus said immediately, “ _no_ , that would’ve been –“  
  
“Great,” Sirius said and patted Remus on the knee. The skin felt cool against his hand. He let his fingers linger for a bit. “You were a gentleman, then. Can you ride a horse?”  
  
Remus blinked. “No. What –“  
  
“No?” Sirius shrugged. His shoulders felt oddly heavy. “Well, that’s a shame, but I’m a great teacher.” He paused. “No, I’m not. But you can charm the horse so that it doesn’t throw you off. Don’t kill it, though. All my horses are very expensive.”  
  
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Remus asked. He sounded a little scared.  
  
“We’re going on a date,” Sirius said. “Tomorrow, five o’clock. Wear something sporty.” He thought about that. “Actually, don’t worry about that. I’m going to bring you something to wear.”  
  
Remus stared at him as if he had broken his earlier standard of craziness. He patted Remus on the knee. Then he stood up and didn’t even faint.

**

It was a somewhat rainy day, which didn’t surprise him at all. He went to Alphard’s house early and had tea with him and his partner Andrew, who was an extremely dull person. The only things that were interesting about him were that he was a Muggle and that he was a man, and to be fair those had been enough to cause a family scandal when Sirius had been a kid. Now, Andrew was reading a Muggle newspaper and talking about someone called Thatcher. He seemed to think this Thatcher woman was an important figure, and Alphard listened to him carefully. Maybe that was love. Sirius, personally, had never even heard of anyone named Thatcher.  
  
“How’s your father?” Alphard asked, when Sirius was wondering if it was more entertaining to go see the horses while he waited for Remus to appear.  
  
He sipped his tea. “Pretty much the same. You know.”  
  
“He still hasn’t seen anyone about it?”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. “You mean, has he gone to Mungo and asked to be locked away?”  
  
Alphard was quiet for a moment and then sighed. “And how’s Walburga?”  
  
“The same,” Sirius said. “The curse we have in the cellars is ruining the wine now. She’s been pretty stressed about that.”  
  
“Yeah, I remember the curse,” Alphard said. “It’s a nasty one. I hope you two can talk some sense into it.”  
  
“I wouldn’t be too optimistic,” Sirius said and glanced through the window. He was quite sure that when Remus came, he would stand outside in the rain for as long as it took Sirius to notice him, despite the fact that Sirius had told him he could just knock on the door. But Remus wasn’t there yet.  
  
Sirius sipped his tea, but the question was already in his mouth and he couldn’t swallow it. “Have you seen…”  
  
“Yes,” Alphard said immediately, as if he had been waiting. “He visits us sometimes.”  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
“You want to hear more?”  
  
Sirius nodded again, watching through the window.  
  
“He’s alright,” Alphard said in a gentle voice. “A little scared, as you could expect. To be just eighteen and not able to go home, and then all this business with the war…”  
  
“I think he’s working for Dumbledore,” Sirius said and then cleared his throat, but it didn’t help at all.  
  
“Yeah, I think so too,” Alphard said in a voice that suggested he knew so. “But from what I hear, Dumbledore likes him. You know how he is, he has favourites, and your brother’s… kind of alone right now. I suppose Dumbledore’s trying to keep him safe as well as he can.”  
  
“Dumbledore’s using him.”  
  
“Well, that too. But the war –“  
  
“I don’t want to talk about the war,” Sirius said and rubbed the side of his nose. He didn’t know on what side Alphard thought he was. “Did you talk about me at all?”  
  
“Yes,” Alphard said, which made Sirius feel a little better about having asked. But only a little. “Yeah, every time. He misses you.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip.  
  
“If you wanted to see him, here, without anyone knowing, we could try to arrange –“  
  
“No,” he said and stood up. “No, that’s not necessary. Thank you for the tea. Remus should be here soon, so I think I’m just going to… catch some fresh air first.”  
  
It was now raining more outside. He made an umbrella charm but only after he was already soaked through. The cold wet clothes clinging into his skin fit his mood perfectly. He went to see the horses and tried to think about anything except his brother, and then, thank god, Remus came.

**

Remus hadn’t lied about not knowing how to ride a horse. He looked scared when he was still standing on the ground and more so when Sirius finally managed to get him on the saddle. He squeezed the reins into his hands but wouldn’t tighten them properly, no matter how many times Sirius told him to. But the horse Sirius had picked for him was the slowest one anyway, and it was perfectly happy to follow Sirius’ horse across the path on the moors.  
  
When they came back to the house, Alphard was standing in the yard, his hands pushed into the pockets and a small black dog at his feet. The dog growled at them but stopped when Alphard told it to.  
  
“So, you are Sirius’ friend,” Alphard said. “Nice to meet you.”  
  
“Wait a second, he’s never been on a horse before,” Sirius said and dismounted. Then he gave his horse’s reins to Alphard and went to hold Remus’ horse in place while Remus climbed off and sadly didn’t fall onto his arse. That would’ve been fun.  
  
“Bloody hell,” Remus said, took a few deep breaths and then turned to Alphard. “Good day, sir. Nice to meet you, too.”  
  
“I’m not a sir, exactly,” Alphard said. There was something odd about the way he was looking at Remus. “Not here, at least.”  
  
Remus looked a little confused.  
  
“Alphard’s not in very good talking terms with most of the family,” Sirius explained. “This is his hiding place. And also where I keep my horses these days. It gives me an excuse to see him. But well, he rarely comes to family dinners.”  
  
“I’m queer as fuck and my spouse is a Muggle,” Alphard said. “Come inside, boys, I’ll make you tea. And you can meet Andrew, Remus.”  
  
“I think we should get going,” Sirius said quickly. “And I’ve already had enough tea for the afternoon.”  
  
“A man can never have enough tea,” Alphard said but didn’t argue further, which was probably for the best, because he was very good at arguing. That was one of the reasons why the rest of the family didn’t like him much. He argued well and was usually right, which was a very irritating combination.  
  
“Can we walk for a little while?” Sirius asked later, when they had taken care of the horses – or he had, and Remus had spent a while stroking his horse’s neck and looking at her like he was maybe warming up to her.  
  
They walked along a road that led to the house across the moors. The rain had stopped. Remus looked nice in Sirius’ old riding clothes, and also like he was acting a part in a play and wished he hadn’t forgotten his lines.  
  
“I want to see you again,” Sirius said.  
  
Remus said nothing.  
  
“I know what you’re thinking,” Sirius said. “You’re thinking that you’re dangerous and that I don’t know what I’m doing and that it’s a shame that whenever we’re going to try to have sex, I’m going to get slow and limp like I’m… charmed. And you’re right, of course. You’re kind of right about all that. But I want to see you again anyway.”  
  
Remus took a deep breath.  
  
“And just so you know, I usually get what I want.”  
  
“I kind of guessed that.”  
  
_How_ , Sirius thought but decided to drop it. “If you’re going to try to make me change my mind, you need to put up a good argument.”  
  
“This is going to end badly,” Remus said.  
  
Well, that _was_ a good argument. “Not necessarily.”  
  
Remus shook his head. There was something weird about his haircut, as if someone had done it in a rush. It didn’t help that the wind kept throwing Remus’ hair in front of his face. Sirius kind of very much wanted to kiss him but he wasn’t sure how that would work out with a vampire. Would Remus be tempted to bite him in the tongue or something?  
  
“Why did you come today?” Sirius asked. “You don’t even know how to ride.”  
  
“You asked me to come.”  
  
“Yeah, I _know._ And I’m pretty sure you enjoyed it. In the end, at least. I saw how you were eyeing your horse.”  
  
“I wasn’t going to kill it.”  
  
“No, I meant…” Sirius bit his lip. Remus didn’t look like he was going to appreciate it if Sirius laughed about this. “I meant that you looked like you liked it. And I don’t blame you. Hope is a very nice horse. I learned how to ride on her.”  
  
Remus glanced at him sharply and then looked away.  
  
“But why _did_ you come? You could’ve said ‘no’.”  
  
Remus opened his mouth and then closed it again.  
  
“You could have.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said finally, “yeah, sure. I could have. You don’t make it easy, though.”  
  
“Well, I like you and I want you.”  
  
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Remus said and pushed his hands deep into his pockets. “I like you, too. That’s the problem. That’s why I came.”  
  
“You _like_ me –“  
  
“You knew that already. I’ve spent three nights with you.”  
  
Sirius decided not to point out that that didn’t prove anything about Remus liking him. But then again, there hadn’t been fucking involved, maybe it did. “How much exactly do you like me?” he asked instead.  
  
“So much that I’m apparently ignoring all my common sense,” Remus said in a flat tone. “It’s going to start raining again.”  
  
“Yeah, I know,” Sirius said and wondered if Remus was going to say they should Apparate out. Remus didn’t, so he didn’t either. “Where do you live?”  
  
“You can’t come to my place,” Remus said, glancing at him. “You don’t exactly look like a Muggle.”  
  
“I can look like a Muggle, if I need to,” he said. “And besides, if your flatmate’s Muggle, he’s not going to think I’m a wizard, he’s going to think I’m rich and eccentric.”  
  
Remus chuckled.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re right. He’s going to think that. But I don’t want you there anyway. I don’t want him to start wondering what’s wrong with _me._ ”  
  
“Oh,” Sirius said. “Right. Okay. I promise I’ll try not to come to your place.”  
  
“That’s not a very good promise.”  
  
“It’s an honest one.”  
  
“I don’t know why I like you.”  
  
“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Sirius said. “People usually like me. You aren’t the only one. Hey, can I ask you something?”  
  
Remus glanced at him. “I don’t know.”  
  
“You’ve been more relaxed today. Is it because we’re outdoors? Don’t you like my house? Or was it too distracting to be so close to a bed when you really wanted to get into my pants?”  
  
Remus didn’t answer his smile, just stared at the moors with a grim look on his face. “I drank today.”  
  
“You –“  
  
“Yes. I went hunting before I came here.”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. “Alright. What did you –“  
  
“A deer. Don’t ask me that.”  
  
“And it helped?”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said in a tight voice. “So, if you want to reconsider –“  
  
“No, I don’t need to,” Sirius said. So, Remus had had a bit of blood before he had come to meet Sirius. That was alright. Sirius himself had wanked before leaving the house, because all that thinking about Remus riding a horse for the first time had been a bit too much for him. “Come to the bar tonight. We’ll see there and go to my place.”  
  
“Alright,” Remus said, sounding like he wanted very badly to regret it.

**

Sirius had been at home for fifteen minutes when Kreacher came to say that there was someone to see him.  
  
“Who?” he asked. He hadn’t even bathed yet. He had only had time to drink a glass of wine, and now he was feeling tipsy and muddy.  
  
Kreacher grimaced. “It’s Mister Alphard, sir.”  
  
Sirius poured himself another glass of wine and went downstairs. He found Alphard sitting in the kitchen. His mother was nowhere to be seen but the piano was playing one of her favourite tunes for intimidating guests, so she was probably somewhere near. Sirius made a subtle silencing charm around the kitchen. Alphard watched him do it and then sighed.  
  
“You know that kid’s a vampire, right?”  
  
He sat down in the chair across from Alphard. The wine had tasted better five minutes ago.  
  
“If I didn’t know better,” Alphard said slowly, “I’d guess that’s why you like him.”  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius said and put the wine glass on the table. “I don’t know why I like him. But you only saw him for a minute. How did you know he’s a…”  
  
“Didn’t you?” Alphard asked, watching him carefully. “Well, you’re young. And I suppose you haven’t met many of his kind. How did you find out?”  
  
“I was shaving and got a cut. He was uncomfortable.”  
  
“I bet,” Alphard said. “Are you having sex with him?”  
  
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”  
  
“It’s going to end badly.”  
  
“Well, he said that too.” Sirius sighed. “And I suppose someone’s said something like that to you, too.”  
  
“Don’t,” Alphard said, but he sounded suddenly tired.  
  
“About Andrew.”  
  
“That’s completely different.”  
  
“Different kinds of creatures,” Sirius said, “don’t belong together. Not prejudice, just a simple fact. Doesn’t it sound familiar to you?”  
  
“We’re both humans. Your boyfriend is –“  
  
“Not my boyfriend. Just a friend.”  
  
“I’m not going to tell anyone,” Alphard said, leaning back in his chair. “Especially not your mother. Unless I’m worried that you’re going to get yourself killed.”  
  
“There’s a lot going on these days that might get me killed,” Sirius said, looking Alphard in the eyes. He supposed Alphard was trying his best to stay out of it and wouldn’t work for Dumbledore. But he wasn’t sure. And when he thought about it, he wasn’t completely certain that Alphard might not be working for the Dark Lord, either. He tried to wash the bad taste from his mouth with wine, but that didn’t work.  
  
“Alright,” Alphard said finally. “And he seems nice, anyway. I just hope you’re being careful.”  
  
“At least I can’t accidentally get him pregnant.”  
  
Oddly enough, Alphard didn’t seem amused. He stood up, took a few steps and then stopped, still inside the silencing charm. “If you need help,” he said, “with anything, just come to us. I’ll do what I can.”  
  
“Sure,” Sirius said.  
  
“Or if you want to see your brother –“  
  
“Just go already,” he cut in and then watched as Alphard stepped through the silencing charm and broke it. “Hey,” he said, and Alphard turned. “Who the hell is Margaret Thatcher?”


	4. Autumn IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again!

He went to Knockturn Alley early that night. It felt a lot like a date. Remus would come and then they would go back to Sirius’ house together and probably have sex. He wasn’t sure what to expect exactly, but he supposed Remus would want to shag him in one way or another. He ordered another glass of wine and thought about the sex they would have, and a little before midnight, Regulus walked in with Rabastan.  
  
“Hey,” said the bartender, leaning towards him over the counter, “isn’t that your –“  
  
“Yes,” Sirius said. “Shut up.” He emptied his glass of wine. Regulus hadn’t spotted him yet – and maybe he wouldn’t come to Sirius anyway. Maybe Regulus was here for something else, someone else, and Sirius could sneak out and go home and get wasted and maybe break something. There was a desk in one of the guestrooms that he had always hated.  
  
“He looks a lot like you,” the bartender said and then backed away before Sirius had time to tell him to stop talking. Regulus had seen him and was walking straight at him now. He cleared his throat and thought about Disapparating. He could do that. Regulus wouldn’t follow him. He could go home and -  
  
“Hi,” Regulus said and sat down in the stool next to him.  
  
“Hi,” he said and then glanced at Rabastan, who was hovering behind Regulus like a fucking bodyguard. “What the hell are you doing here?”  
  
“You don’t own this place,” Regulus said, looking around. He looked older than when Sirius had last seen him. That had been last summer, in Diagon Alley. They had passed each other by on the street. Regulus had stopped first, and then Sirius had stopped too, and they had stared at each other until an old woman had dropped her groceries nearby and Regulus had gone to help her. Meanwhile, Sirius had walked away. His hands had been shaking for half an hour afterwards.  
  
“And him,” Sirius said and nodded towards Rabastan, who had lit a cigarette. “You aren’t supposed to be with him.”  
  
“What, is he your boyfriend or something?” Regulus snapped and then took a deep breath. He looked tired, too, and skinnier. The clothes he was wearing looked like he had borrowed them from someone who was a size bigger and had no fashion sense at all. Now he glanced at Rabastan and then at Sirius again. “I sent him an owl. It’s not like I’ve been talking to him much lately.”  
  
“Why now?”  
  
“Because I didn’t want to come here alone.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. “Why did you come here? You don’t want to sleep with any of these men.”  
  
“It’s none of your business,” Regulus said and kept looking at him as if he was waiting for Sirius’ approval. “I wanted to see you.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip.  
  
“And I know you’ve been coming here.”  
  
“Well,” he said slowly and grabbed his glass. It was still empty. “This is… sometimes I…”  
  
“I _know_ ,” Regulus said, pulling his shoulders back. “You don’t need to explain that to me. Tell me about Mum and Dad.”  
  
“Nothing’s changed,” Sirius said, his voice coming out thin. “Dad’s still… He’s been about the same since you left. You know that. And Mum’s… also the same. The curse in the cellars is ruining the wine now, so she’s been… stressed.”  
  
“Damn,” Regulus said, smiling a little. Then the smile dropped from his face. “ I’ve got a flat. You could visit me sometimes.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“We’re on different sides,” Sirius said as quietly as he could. There was too much smoke in here, and too many people. He needed to get out, but he couldn’t walk away, not now when Regulus was looking at him like that.  
  
“Are we, really,” Regulus said just as quietly.  
  
“I’ve been thinking,” Sirius said. “If this thing turns into a war, you should really keep out of it. You’re too… you know what our family is like.”  
  
“I’m not part of the family anymore.”  
  
“Of course you are,” he said. “You could go to France. For a few years. Too many people know you here. They’re going to use it.”  
  
“Are you?”  
  
“No,” he said. He was going to say something more, maybe warn Regulus about Dumbledore, or about Rabastan, or about… well, everyone. Almost everyone they had grown up with was going to line up with the Dark Lord, and they knew Regulus, and they would use it. But before he could figure out how to put that into words and make Regulus listen, he saw Remus coming through the front door.  
  
_Shit.  
  
_Remus turned to look at the counter and saw him. He turned to look away, but it was too late. Regulus was eyeing him curiously, and Rabastan had stopped smoking.  
  
“Just don’t get killed,” Sirius said and stood up. “I need to go.” Then he walked past Rabastan, took the cigarette from Rabastan’s fingers and leaned closer. “If you hurt him, I’m going to have you murdered.”  
  
“How?” Rabastan asked, sounding a little delighted, but his eyes weren’t smiling.  
  
“I’ll figure something out,” Sirius said and patted him on the shoulder. “And if anyone even thinks about hurting him, tell me.”  
  
“I’m not working for you,” Rabastan said but caught his wrist and squeezed a little. “We’re all going to be hurting each other soon enough.”  
  
Sirius shook his head and walked across the bar, to the door, to the street where it was a cold clear night. He rested his hands against his knees and breathed deeply in and out. _Fucking hell._ He could still feel Rabastan’s fingers around his wrist, and Regulus’ eyes looking at him. Maybe he could make a deal with Dumbledore, bargain about something, and then Dumbledore would send Regulus to France for a while. Regulus would listen to Dumbledore. Or Dumbledore could make up a job for Regulus, something that would keep Regulus out of the way if this all went to hell.  
  
“Hey,” Remus said, stopping at his side.  
  
Sirius opened his eyes and straightened his back. “Can we just go?”  
  
“Sure,” Remus said, glancing behind his back. “Who –“  
  
“I need to get out of here,” Sirius said, grabbed Remus’ arm and Apparated away.  
  
  
**  
  
  
“I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” Remus said. There was something in his voice that Sirius wasn’t going to even start thinking about now. As soon as he had got into his own room, he had walked to the drink cabinet and made it pour him a glass of whiskey, and now he was sitting on the bed, drinking, and it didn’t help at all. And Remus was just standing there, staring at him, a bit like the first night he had taken Remus home with him. It was just that this time, he wasn’t naked, and he wasn’t in the bath, and he wasn’t exactly sure he wanted Remus to see him like this.  
  
But he didn’t want Remus to go either.  
  
“The other one,” Remus said slowly, “the one who was sitting next to you…”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. He was too tired for this.  
  
“He looked a lot like you.”  
  
“That was my brother,” he said and then bit his lip, but there was no taking it back. And everyone else knew, anyway. “Regulus. We aren’t exactly on good terms.”  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said in an uncertain tone. “What –“  
  
“He ran away from home. Three years ago.”  
  
Remus was quiet for a few seconds before saying, “why?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius said. Well, that was a lie. He knew Regulus and he had lived in this house all his life. He had a pretty good guess about why Regulus had wanted to get out. “He wasn’t happy.”  
  
Remus was looking at him as if he didn’t understand what ‘being happy’ had to do with anything. That was something Sirius’ mother might have said as well.  
  
“This family,” Sirius said and took a deep breath. “You recognised my name. Surely you know what kind of a family this is.”  
  
“An old one,” Remus said.  
  
“And a rich one. And prestigious. And we’ve got a lot of secrets to keep. We have skeletons in the cupboards and I’m afraid a few of those skeletons are really… skeletons. And my mother thinks it’s all great, and my father’s… he’s sick.” Sirius lit a cigarette. “You don’t look surprised.”  
  
“I kind of guessed all that. I read papers. Except that I don’t know what your father –“  
  
“Anyway,” he said, “it’s not like I didn’t use to think about how life could be different, you know, if there was a different way of life. I thought that once I’d be an adult, I could decide for myself. And then I could live differently. But it doesn’t work like that.”  
  
“No?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“And your brother ran away.”  
  
“Yeah.” Fuck, he needed sleep. Or Remus to Obliviate him. “But it was different for him. It was easier, because he wasn’t the heir anyway. And when he was fifteen, this…” He made a vague gesture at nothing. “All this was beginning. People were starting to draw lines. For the war.”  
  
“No one calls it a war yet.”  
  
“Yeah, they do. So, Regulus thought he had to choose, and he chose.”  
  
“You stayed here.”  
  
“It’s not so simple.” Sometimes he wondered if it was. Maybe he should have left when Regulus did. But he had felt like he had to hold this whole house together. And like Regulus had stolen something from him. A chance to leave, perhaps.  
  
Remus walked slowly to the bed and sat down on the edge next to him. The mattress dipped. “And the other man –“  
  
“Rabastan. He’s the one I fucked over the weekend.”  
  
Remus glanced at him sharply.  
  
“I don’t know if I was supposed to tell you that,” he said and took a drag of the cigarette. It wasn’t making him feel any better. “I don’t know what we’re doing here.”  
  
“I don’t know that either,” Remus said. “Do you still want to fuck?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because you’re upset and sad about your brother,” Remus said, watching him closely. “And because if we do it, I can’t stop my magic from…”  
  
“Making me easy prey.” He laughed out loud. “That sounds really good, actually.”  
  
“I’m not going to hurt you.”  
  
“I know. I’m not worried.”  
  
“You’re a fool,” Remus said and turned to him. “Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Tell me what I can do to you.”  
  
“You can…” he began and took a deep breath. “I told you the last time. Anything that doesn’t leave a mark. And don’t bite me.”  
  
“I wasn’t going to,” Remus said. His eyes were moving back and forth on Sirius’ face now, and there was a new tone to the tiredness seeping through Sirius’ bones. He thought he could just lie down now and close his eyes and everything would be alright. “Do you want me to fuck you?”  
  
“Yes,” he said and put his hands against Remus’ chest, then brushed his knuckles down overt Remus’ stomach.  
  
“You’ve done it before, then.”  
  
“Let a man fuck me? Yeah.”  
  
“Good,” Remus said and stopped Sirius’ hand when he tried to push it into Remus’ pants. “Anything I should keep in mind?”  
  
He shook his head and then sighed. “I probably can’t stay on my knees. I’m terribly afraid that I’d fall on my face. I’m kind of tired.”  
  
“Yeah, I know,” Remus said, and Sirius wondered vaguely if Remus’ voice had always sounded so gentle, as if Remus was the last person in the whole world who would ever hurt him. “Are you ready?” Remus asked.  
  
Sirius wasn’t sure if he remembered what he was supposed to be ready for, but he nodded anyway. Then Remus started unbuttoning his shirt and he remembered. Sex. He was ready to have sex with Remus. Of course he was ready, there was nothing to be worried about, nothing at all. He was warm and comfortable and also probably hard already, even though it was a bit difficult to say now that there was this tingling feeling all over his body. And inside him, too. It was everywhere.  
  
“Look at me,” Remus said and wrapped his fingers around Sirius’ cock. Apparently he had managed to take off Sirius’ trousers too. “Alright?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. His voice sounded like it was coming from far away.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Remus said, petting his face with nice soft hands that weren’t cold at all, even though that was weird, because he remembered Remus’ hands had been cold earlier. “I’ve been thinking about you _a lot_. It’s a bit difficult to control…”  
  
Sirius stopped listening to him. The light in the room was nice. Remus settled him on the bed on his back, and it was fine, everything was fine. He folded his knees for Remus and then sprawled them, and Remus sat down in between his thighs and pushed a finger right into his hole. He barely felt it, only then Remus’ fingertip brushed against the spot that made him tremble all over, and he _did_ feel that. It was perfect. He wanted to tell that to Remus but couldn’t speak anymore. That didn’t matter, though. Not at all. Remus was moving his finger inside of him and he pressed against the touch the best he could and thought he felt a sting of pain, and then it was gone, too.  
  
He was floating. There were more fingers, he couldn’t quite keep up, and he had a feeling that everything was going fast and slow at the same time, which was weird, but he wasn’t worried. And then Remus kissed him. He didn’t know at what point that happened but it happened: Remus leaned down and put their mouths together and kissed him properly, and he kissed back.  
  
They were still kissing when Remus grabbed his hips with one hand firmly enough that he couldn’t move, and pushed his dick inside.  
  
He took a sharp breath.  
  
“You’re alright,” Remus said, slowly pressing into him. “You’re alright, I’m not going to hurt you.”  
  
“Shut up,” he said, and it sounded like his voice. Something of the pain came through and it cut the mist inside his head a little. He shifted. Remus swore. He couldn’t breathe. Remus kissed him again and again and moved inside him, and he started slipping back into the soft pleasure in his mind. He could feel everything at once – Remus’ cock in his arse, Remus’ hands on his skin, Remus’ kisses on his mouth. He could feel the way the air brushed against his skin. He could feel the soft fabric of the sheets. He could feel the taste of the whiskey he had had earlier. He could feel Rabastan’s touch in the bar. He could feel the fear from when he had first heard Regulus was working for Dumbledore -  
  
He grabbed Remus’ arms. “Harder, I need –“  
  
“Hey,” Remus said and kissed him, “what’s wrong, what’re you –“  
  
“Just fuck me,” he said, “harder, I’m slipping back into my mind, and I can’t –“  
  
Remus pulled out of him and then pushed back hard. Someone whined and he thought it was him.  
  
“Like this?”  
  
He nodded. It was difficult to know if it hurt or felt good but at least he wasn’t thinking.  
  
Remus did it again. And again.  
  
When Remus grabbed his dick, he didn’t know how much time had passed. Maybe no time at all.  
  
“You can come now,” Remus said, and he came in Remus’ hand, with Remus’ dick still buried inside him. He closed his eyes.   
  
When he woke up, he was in his own bed, naked, and Remus was lying naked next to him. He rolled onto his side to face Remus, and it felt like trying to move the Earth but he managed it.  
  
“Are you alright?” Remus asked. He didn’t look like he had slept at all.  
  
“What’s the time?”  
  
“I don’t know. Maybe two.”  
  
“But I slept.”  
  
“For some time, yeah.” Remus cleared his throat. “Can I touch you?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Remus raised his hand and slowly pushed the strands of hair from Sirius’ face. His own skin felt damp and sticky with sweat.  
  
“How was it?”  
  
“Good,” Remus said. He was petting Sirius’ hair now. “You?”  
  
“It didn’t feel real.” Sirius took a deep breath. “Exactly what I wanted.”  
  
“You’re mad.”  
  
“Good for you.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said slowly, “good for me.”  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
The next day, he was having dinner with his mother when she put the fork away and looked at him.  
  
“Who’s it this time?”  
  
“No one,” he said and sipped his wine.  
  
Mother kept looking at him.  
  
“I don’t see why you’d care, anyway,” he said and stabbed the steak. Kreacher had left it a little raw.  
  
“I want to know what kind of men you bring into my house.”  
  
“It’s just one man,” he said and then immediately realised his mistake. Mother certainly realised it too, because for a second she looked happy, and then as if Sirius had just said he was going to burn the whole house down and hang himself.  
  
“I was under the assumption that relations of that sort weren’t personally meaningful for you.”  
  
“They are not,” he said. The clock on the wall was ticking more loudly than usually. Maybe it sensed the atmosphere in the room and was panicking.  
  
“You just told me there’s only one man that you are seeing.”  
  
“It’s just sex.”  
  
Mother was quiet for a few seconds and then started cutting her steak, her eyes on her hands now. “I’m aware that you’re fond of my brother. But I must assure you, if you for one second think that you can do what he did and live with another man, I will make certain that your little friend is the one who pays for it.”  
  
Sirius emptied his glass of wine and then asked Kreacher to fill it and also bring him more potatoes. He thought he could hear the paintings holding their breath.   
  
“He’s not _little_ ,” he said and pushed his fork through the potato.  
  
  
**  
  
  
One of the things he hated about his mother was that he could never forget anything she said. When he had been younger, he had suspected that she knew some kind of magic he didn’t. Surely it was her stranger unspoken magic that made her words stick like a bad charm in Sirius and follow him everywhere. Sometimes he had dreams about the things she had said to him. And sometimes he just couldn’t stop thinking about them. Sometimes it wasn’t even the words, sometimes it was that there was a look in her eyes that he couldn’t interpret and then spent days trying to convince himself that he was only being paranoid. He usually wasn’t.  
  
It hadn’t always been like that. Before Regulus had left, they had also had good days. But now he supposed he was the only thing his mother had left of an old dream of a family she had wanted.  
  
He wasn’t going to listen to his mother. Of course not. He was an adult, and if he wanted to have sex with Remus, he would. There was nothing his mother could do about that – well, there were a lot of things she could do, but some of them were pretty illegal and he was optimistic that maybe she wouldn’t bother.  
  
The problem was that it wasn’t just about sex.  
  
He was just about to send his owl to find Remus and tell him that they needed to talk, because this _was_ mad, and things _would_ end badly, and maybe it would be better for both of them if they agreed to stay away from each other. But when he was trying to cast a spell that would help the owl track Remus, Kreacher came to tell him that there was someone waiting for him in the drawing room.  
  
“Who?” Sirius asked. It would be bad if it was Remus, but he fucking hoped it wouldn’t be Dumbledore.  
  
“She didn’t say her name,” Kreacher said, its face clearly showing what it thought about women who didn’t say their name. Sirius sent it away and then let the owl stay on the desk, the half-finished charm making it drowsy.  
  
The woman in the drawing room was Lily.  
  
“What’re you doing here?” Sirius asked, closing the door quickly. Then he made a silencing charm and another one that would keep Kreacher out of the room. “Lily?”  
  
Lily was sitting on the sofa, squeezing her knees and swaying slightly from side to side. She looked like she had been crying and might start again any time.  
  
“What’s it?” Sirius asked, rushing to her and taking her hand in his. Her grip was tight but trembling. “Is James –“  
  
“No,” Lily said and took a deep breath. “No, nothing like that. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here, I just…”  
  
“Hey,” Sirius said and pushed a few strands of hair from her face. There was a faint scent of alcohol around her. “It’s alright. Of course you can come here. It’s just that… my mother… and this house…”  
  
“Yeah,” she said, squeezing his hand, “I _know._ Sorry. I should’ve sent you an owl or…”  
  
“Maybe not,” he said, “I’m not sure that Mum doesn’t read my letters. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong,” she said. “I’m pregnant.”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. “What?”  
  
“Yeah,” Lily said, pulled her hand away from Sirius’ and rested it on Sirius’ shoulder. Suddenly he wasn’t sure who was trying to comfort whom.  
  
“Were you planning to –“  
  
“No,” she said, “of course not, it’s… This is the worst fucking time to have a baby.”  
  
He swallowed and covered her hand with his own. “I’m sure things could be worse.”  
  
“I’m not,” she said, looking at him in the eyes. “You don’t know everything. You don’t know how bad it is. Did you know that they murdered Marlene?”  
  
He stared at her. “ _What?_ ”  
  
“I don’t know exactly what you’re doing,” Lily said, “I just need to believe that you’re still on our side, even though the stuff Dumbledore’s making you do… even though you can’t talk to us or be with us. You were my best friend at school, I can’t think that you’d be…”  
  
“I’m not. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m just… I’m still your best friend, Lily.”  
  
“Yeah,” she said, stroking his shoulder with her thumb. There was something in her voice that made Sirius think they both knew how little anything meant anymore. They had been best friends at school, and now this war was getting bigger than any of that or either of them.  
  
“What’re you going to do?”  
  
“I wanted to get rid of it,” she said, smiling a little. Now she was crying, too. “But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it. And then I told James and now I can’t do it anymore. We’re going to go into hiding.”  
  
“There’s no hiding from this.”  
  
“We’re going to use a Secret Keeper.” She took a deep breath. “I’m telling you because I don’t want you to worry. I don’t want you to be thinking that we disappeared or went missing or something like that.”  
  
“Just choose someone you really trust,” he said, stroking her hair. “And tell James that when all this bullshit is over, I’m going to come visit you and teach his kid to swear like a… well, like me, probably.”  
  
Lily smiled a little. “Okay.”  
  
“And keep yourself safe.”  
  
“I’m trying to,” she said and blinked. “What about you? Did you go with the Lestranges for the weekend? How was it? Did you –“  
  
There was a sound coming through the ceiling, as if something heavy had fallen against the wall and shattered. It might have been one of the sculptures in the corridor. Kreacher sometimes tried to polish them and they didn’t like it.  
  
“We shouldn’t talk here,” Sirius said.  
  
He helped Lily to the front door under more than one silencing charm, and at the front door he put out the charms and told her that the weather had been nice recently, hadn’t it, only the house was a little damp in the evenings, but what could you expect from a house as old as this? Lily patted him on the arm, then hovered there for a second and hugged him so tightly he was a little worried about his ribs.  
  
“I’ll see you later,” he said when she had given up on squeezing him.  
  
“Yes, you will,” she said and Apparated away.  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
He had told Remus he would see him in the bar, but it turned out he couldn’t make himself go inside. He walked past the front door and then stopped at the corner of the street, leaned his shoulder against the damp brick wall of _Slightly Questionable Charms by Madame Lewis_ – a great shop, by the way – and waited. After two cigarettes and going through four different versions of what he was going to tell Remus tonight, he finally saw Remus approaching the bar. Remus was wearing the coat Sirius had given him and there was something new about him, like maybe he had combed his hair.  
  
Sirius bit his lip. He had been meaning to say something like _, hey, I really like you, and it seems generally a bad idea to like anyone these days, so maybe we should stop this now._ Or, _it’s been fun but I’m kind of busy trying not to get killed._ He watched as Remus hesitated at the bar’s door. He looked adorably awkward even when he thought no one was watching.  
  
“Hey,” Sirius said, his voice coming out hoarse.  
  
Remus jumped a little, then relaxed when he recognised Sirius, then tensed up again. It was funny, and sad, and it made Sirius’ chest tighten in a very recognisable way. Three years ago, he had tried his best to make Regulus change his mind about leaving, and Regulus had walked out of the house anyway and hadn’t come back, and he had watched Regulus walking down the street from the window and thought he couldn’t breathe.  
  
Well, this wasn’t as bad. But he still didn’t like the feeling.  
  
“I didn’t want to go in,” he told Remus as he walked closer. Remus was holding himself impossibly straight as if preparing to flee. “You alright?”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said and cleared his throat. “Yeah. I thought… I wondered if you were going to come.”  
  
“Of course I came,” Sirius said. He had wondered about that too. Maybe it would have been kinder to send a letter to say all those things he was going to say, only he couldn’t quite bear to think about that now. “Let’s go.”  
  
“You want me to come with you?”  
  
“Yeah,” he said and grabbed Remus’ wrist. Remus flinched but didn’t pull away.  
  
In the house, he took Remus to his room and locked the door. Then he made the cabinet pour him a glass of whiskey and emptied it, walked to the window and looked at the apple trees in the backyard, and then back at Remus, who was watching him closely.  
  
He opened his mouth.  
  
“You’re going to break up with me,” Remus said.  
  
Sirius blinked. “What? No, I’m not.”  
  
Remus just stared at him.  
  
“I’m not going to…” He took a deep breath. They weren’t even _together._ It was completely unfair for Remus to talk about breaking up. That wasn’t what Sirius was going to do. He was just trying to arrange things so that they were never going to have to, well, break up. “Come on,” he said and hated the way it came out.  
  
“You could’ve just told me this morning,” Remus said, watching him. It was difficult to tell what Remus was thinking. Probably he didn’t care. Maybe he was even relieved. There were rooms in this house that would have tried to kill Remus if he had got lost in there.  
  
“I’m not going to break up with you.”  
  
“No, you’re right,” Remus said, “we shouldn’t do this. I’ve told you that from the beginning.”  
  
“Yeah, well, you’ve also slept in my bed and fucked me.”  
  
“You insisted.”  
  
“I _insisted_ ,” Sirius said. Apparently he was smiling now. He didn’t know why, and Remus looked at him as if he didn’t know either. “Sure, I _insisted._ Poor you.”  
  
“Don’t be like that. I’m just trying to –“  
  
“I’m not _breaking up with you_ ,” he said and then took a deep breath. _Fuck._ “We aren’t even _together.”  
  
_Remus finally looked away from him, and he felt like he had lost something.  
  
“Do you want to?” he asked. “Do you want to get together?”  
  
He could see Remus swallowing.  
  
“I’m the worst fucking deal for you. My mother thinks that I genuinely like you, and that’s… that’s obviously true. But if she finds out who you are on top of that, she’s going to try to make you disappear in one way or another. She doesn’t mind me fucking men but bloody hell if I get attached… And this house is a fucking disaster. I wouldn’t let you wander here, I’d be afraid it might kill you. And I’m a…” He closed his eyes for a second. God, he was tired. “I’m a fucking disaster too. This war…”  
  
“What about it?” Remus asked in a quiet voice.  
  
“I’m fucking caught in between.” Sirius walked to the bed and sat down. He felt a little light in the head. “Are you doing something now? To me?”  
  
“I don’t think so,” Remus said slowly. “How do you feel?”  
  
“Like I want to drink myself to early death.” He glanced at Remus. Apparently he was getting fond of the scar on Remus’ face. And everything else about him, too. He wanted to walk to Remus and take his face in between his hands and kiss him on the mouth. “Or kiss you."  
  
Remus let out a small breath. “I meant, do you feel like I’m charming you?”  
  
“I don’t know.” Sirius bit his lip. “I liked it when we had sex. Last night.”  
  
“You were pretty out of it for most of the time.”  
  
“Yeah, I know. I don’t mind. I liked it anyway.”  
  
“I don’t like it that I don’t know if you’re enjoying it,” Remus said slowly, “or if you just seem so because I’ve charmed you.”  
  
“Well, I’m telling you I enjoyed it.”  
  
Remus licked his lips. “You should probably be a little bit more scared of me.”  
  
“I’m scared of fucking everything right now.”  
  
“That doesn’t really make it any better.”  
  
Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it again. He was squeezing the bed sheets in his hand so tight that his knuckles were turning white. He tried to let go, but that turned out to be difficult. “Can I ask you something?”  
  
“Sure,” Remus said, sounding like he was thinking about an excuse not to answer.  
  
“This war,” Sirius said. “What side are you on?”  
  
Remus stared at him for a few seconds and then cleared his throat. “Oh god, I thought you were going to ask me something else.”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“Like,” Remus said and rubbed the side of his nose. “Like how old I am.”  
  
Sirius straightened his back. “How old you are?”  
  
“I’m not telling you that,” Remus said, glancing at him. “But I’m going to tell you the other thing. And they’re kind of connected. I’ve been here for some time now –“  
  
“In London?”  
  
Remus shook his head. “I’ve seen a few wars. The only thing I’ve learned is to try to keep away from them the best that I can. They’re like… like whatever people try, eventually things go wrong. It’s like a tide or something. Like we’re really trying to destroy ourselves. No matter what we do, in the end we always get back to the point where we start building it up again.”  
  
“A tide.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“You’re trying to stay out of the way.”  
  
“When it happens to you for the first time,” Remus said, “you don’t know what to expect. You don’t know how terrible it’s going to be. But the next time, you know.”  
  
He stared at Remus. “But if you _had to_ choose –“  
  
“I’m not sure you’ve even told me which side you’re on,” Remus said somewhat gently.  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. “I’m working for Dumbledore. But secretly. I’m supposed to be his eyes and ears on the other side. Something like that. Since my family is… generally agrees with the Dark Lord.”  
  
Remus looked a little surprised that he had actually said it. He was surprised too. He felt dizzy and was pretty sure it had nothing to do with Remus’ magic.  
  
“Okay,” Remus said, walked to the bed and sat down next to him. “I think the values Dumbledore’s trying to fight for are good.”  
  
“Good,” he said. “ _Good_. So we agree.”  
  
“I think so.”  
  
“I don’t really want to break up with you. I know I should but I don’t want to.”  
  
“It’s like you said,” Remus said, watching the opposite wall. “We aren’t even together yet.”  
  
“ _Yet._ ”  
  
“I don’t think you realise what I am.” Remus cleared his throat. “If I could… if I didn’t care, or if I… lost control, I would…”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“No, you don’t.” Remus closed his eyes. “I would attack you, and it’d be easy now, because you’d trust me. You probably wouldn’t even realise what’s happening. I would kill you.”  
  
“Save someone else the trouble.”  
  
“I hope not.”  
  
“I’m terribly sorry if I have underestimated you,” Sirius said, “but I don’t think you’d manage to kill me. You kind of seem like a bloke who can’t get things done.”  
  
“Bloody hell.”  
  
“No offense.”  
  
“This isn’t funny,” Remus said, but he was smiling a little. “This _isn’t_ funny. What the hell is wrong with me?”  
  
“I heard you’re a vampire.”  
  
“Shut up,” Remus said and took a deep breath. “Are you suicidal or something? Or is it just that your sense of humour is fucked?”  
  
“Probably a little bit of both,” he said, raised his hand and rested it against Remus’ back. He could feel Remus’ breaths against the flat of his palm. “You know, I kind of had issues with caring about people. I get tired of them easily. And I have this tendency to just… use them. I suppose it’s got something to do with my upbringing.”  
  
Remus glanced at him. “It’s been something like, I don’t know, fifty years since I’ve last slept with the same person more than once.”  
  
“Something like fifty years? You haven’t been counting?”  
  
“Fifty-two.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“And three months.”  
  
“So, you’re a romantic,” Sirius said, stroking Remus’ back. He just wished Remus was naked. “Alright. I think you should know that some people think I’m pretty self-centered.”  
  
“I’m not surprised,” Remus said. “You’re rich as fuck and good-looking and aware of both.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. “Good-looking?”  
  
Remus glanced at him.  
  
“Can we kiss now?” he asked.  
  
“Not yet,” Remus said, turning to face him. “What’re we agreeing to?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“I need you not to fuck other men.”  
  
“Alright,” he said. “But then you can’t fuck anyone else either.”  
  
“Won’t be a problem,” Remus said smiling as if to a secret joke.  
  
“I don’t think we should tell anyone about this.”  
  
“Agreed,” Remus said. “Not that I have anyone to tell. But you have.”  
  
“I’m trying to protect you from my mother.”  
  
“I think,” Remus said slowly, “your mother would find it pretty difficult to actually harm me.”  
  
“You don’t know her,” Sirius said, pushing his fingers under the hem of Remus’ shirt. He wondered if Remus was going to notice. But then his fingers found Remus’ skin and Remus’ eyes snapped to his throat. A wave of hot tingling magic hit him.  
  
“Careful there,” Remus said, blinking. He was still looking at Sirius’ neck instead of his eyes.  
  
“I want you to kiss me now,” Sirius said.  
  
“Alright,” Remus said, leaned down and kissed him softly on the throat.


	5. Winter I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's Christmas and conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I've been so happy to read your comments on the last chapter, I'm so glad to hear you're reading this!

**WINTER**  
  
  
  
  
  
It was snowing. It had been snowing for two days, even in London. Kreacher had been weirdly upset about how the apple trees would take it. Sirius had told it to stop looking so fucking worried all the time. Then he had had dinner with his mother and after, he had stared at himself in the mirror in his own room and wondered if the worried look in his eyes was going to stay. He was only twenty fucking years old. He didn’t want to turn into an old man just because there was a war going on. Then he had got terribly drunk on whiskey and wine and chocolate cake and had got into a fight with one of the statues in the corridor. It had lost its nose and Kreacher had fixed it without saying a word.  
  
Now, he was still tired and a little pissed at himself for getting drunk enough to fight a statue, and not the least surprised that it was snowing in Yorkshire too. He and Remus Apparated to the crossroads from where they could see Alphard’s tiny house slowly getting covered in snow in the middle of the moors.  
  
“Well, you look tired,” Remus said, looking at him.  
  
“I drank a little bit too much last night.”  
  
“Really.”  
  
“I don’t like Christmas,” he said and blinked. The day was too bright even though the sun wasn’t even shining. Maybe it had something to do with the snow. There was just too much of it.  
  
Remus looked away from him.  
  
“But I like this,” he said quickly. “I’m glad we came.”  
  
“You didn’t leave me much choice.”  
  
“Bullshit.”  
  
“You said that if I didn’t come voluntarily, you’d find me and drag me out and bring me here yourself.”  
  
“I don’t even know where you live,” he said. Apparently he couldn’t keep the bite out of his voice as well as he thought, because Remus glanced at him warily. “I know, I know. I can’t come to your flat because your flatmate might get suspicious about why you’re dating a handsome rich guy and then find out about your real secret, so it’s better that you don’t even tell me where you live, because you don’t trust me.”  
  
Remus took a deep breath. “It’s been a fucking… I don’t know, fifty years since I’ve trusted anyone as much as I trust you now.”  
  
Sirius was going to say something, but then the door to the house opened and Alphard walked out, glanced around and after spotting them, pushed his hands into his pockets and waited. Sirius started walking the path down to the house. He already knew how this argument went and also, he was freezing.  
  
“I’ve spent the Christmas here once,” he told Remus. “Three years ago. After Regulus had left. Mother was probably still in shock because she let me go.”  
  
“I know you told me not to worry,” Remus said, his voice coming out tense now, “but won’t they realise I’m not eating anything?”  
  
“Oh. They know.”  
  
Remus glanced at him sharply. “What?”  
  
“Alphard guessed it after the first time we came here. In the autumn, when we went riding.”  
  
“I remember. He _guessed?”_  
  
“I thought I told you.”  
  
“You didn’t.”  
  
He shrugged. “Well, anyway, they know. At least Alphard knows. I’m not sure if he’s told Andrew or not but that’s his problem. You don’t need to explain anything.”  
  
“And they’re going to let me into the house?”  
  
He could hear from Remus’ voice that what Remus needed was a firm grip on the shoulders and some shaking. Or a shag, the only thing that made Remus get distracted from his cycle of self-pity once he’d got it started. But they were almost at the house, and the hangover was just too bad.  
  
“Yeah, they’re going to let you in,” he said, “like they have done every time we’ve been here. But I promise you that if this time they choose to throw you out of the house, I’m going to leave with you. We can go back to my house then. Or yours, if you tell me where you live.”  
  
Remus looked at him in a way that hinted Remus thought he wasn’t taking this seriously. Remus was right about that. They had had this argument a few times, too, and Sirius still didn’t understand what good it would do for either of them if he started stressing about how many things could go wrong only because Remus just happened to be a vampire. Everything in his life was a fucking mess already. Every other weekend, Dumbledore wanted him to go to dinner parties where he had to smile at people who were kind of his old friends and acquaintances and who talked about things that made him want to take five baths in a row once he got home. So what if Remus fantasised about biting him in the neck? He had already decided that he wasn’t going to let that bother him.  
  
“Come on,” he said, stepped closer to Remus on the path and took Remus’ hand. Remus didn’t pull his hand away, which was a small miracle but well, it was Christmas. “I’m glad you’re here.”  
  
“Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”  
  
“You think that about everything,” he said and squeezed Remus’ hand.  
  
They walked up to the house. Alphard looked at them coming closer and then brushed the snow off the shoulders of his coat. “Was it snowing in London?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “Thanks for inviting us.”  
  
“My pleasure,” Alphard said. Sirius didn’t need to glance at Remus to know how sceptical he looked. “We should probably go in,” Alphard said, “or else we’re going to need to dig ourselves out of the snow soon enough. Would you like some tea?”  
  
They followed Alphard into the house. Andrew was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a Muggle newspaper. Sirius let go of Remus’ hand a little warily. He wouldn’t have put it past Remus to turn around, walk out of the room and Apparate back to London or wherever the fuck Remus lived. But Remus stayed, standing frozen in Alphard’s kitchen as if he had never seen a chair before.  
  
“We should probably sit down,” Sirius said and brushed his fingers low against Remus’ back. Then he looked at Alphard. “Remus doesn’t really drink tea.”  
  
“Of course,” Alphard said, floating a cup of tea to Sirius, who grabbed it in the air. “Anything else you would like to have, Remus?”  
  
“Nothing,” Remus said. He sounded like he was slightly panicking. Sirius hid his smile in his cup of tea. “Thank you, anyway.”  
  
“He’s not thirsty,” Sirius said and ignored the way Remus glared at him. Then Andrew started talking about Muggle politics, which Sirius knew absolutely nothing about, but it was still much better than talking about Wizard politics. He concentrated on his tea and the bewildered look on Remus’ face.

**

“You’re not supposed to enjoy it,” Remus said a few hours later, when they were in the stables, just the two of them.  
  
“Enjoy what?” Sirius asked, even though he kind of knew.  
  
Remus stopped stroking the horse’s neck to look at him disapprovingly. He probably shouldn’t have enjoyed that, either. “Come on.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You like it,” Remus said. “You like it that they know what I am. You were making _jokes._ About the tea.”  
  
“It’s really a shame that you can’t drink tea.”  
  
“Fucking hell, Sirius, that’s not…”  
  
“Funny?” Sirius patted the horse on the neck and stepped away from the fold. He had only given up on the idea to go riding when he had realised the snow was knee-high. “I think everything’s a little better if you can laugh at it.”  
  
“I don’t think it’s funny,” Remus said, “and it’s about _me._ ”  
  
“Yeah, okay.” He stepped to Remus. “I can apologise if you want me to.”  
  
Remus’ eyes went back and forth on his face. He thought Remus smelled a little bit of tea, and wasn’t that kind of funny, too? But he tried not to smile. “I don’t get it,” Remus finally said.  
  
“What?”  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
“What don’t you get?” Sirius asked and placed both hands on Remus’ shoulders. The horses were watching but he was pretty sure they wouldn’t tell Alphard. And then again, Alphard already knew they were sleeping together, didn’t he? Surely Alphard didn’t think they were just friends at this point. Sirius fucking hoped there was a double-sized bed for them tonight, or else he was going to charm himself one.  
  
He stroked Remus’ shoulders with his thumbs. Remus shivered and then glanced at his throat, which usually meant that Remus’ will to argue was disappearing.  
  
“Why you’re with me,” Remus said and took a deep breath. “I don’t get that.”  
  
“Really?” Sirius said, leaning closer.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Are you complaining?”  
  
“No,” Remus said, laughing shortly and unhappily. That was Sirius’ least favourite of all Remus’ ways to laugh, and within these three months, he’d heard many of them. “No, I’m not complaining.”  
  
“I don’t see why you can’t just take it then.”  
  
Remus looked at him as if he thought Sirius was terribly reckless and maybe not quite sane.  
  
“I don’t want to end this,” Sirius said, “and you don’t want to end this. We’ve been doing this for, what, three months now and nothing bad has happened. And no, don’t say anything about the time you fucked me and I couldn’t remember it afterwards. That’s happened to me before and it’s better that it’s your magic and not mild alcohol poisoning.”  
  
“Three months,” Remus said, “is a very short time.”  
  
“No, it’s not,” Sirius said. He hadn’t seen James or Lily after the day when Lily had told him she was pregnant. He had tried to ask Dumbledore how they were, but Dumbledore claimed it wasn’t safe to talk about them with him. Coincidentally, Dumbledore didn’t seem to think it was safe to talk about _anything_ with Sirius. Dumbledore told him where to go – like last week, when he had been in Rabastan and Bellatrix’s Christmas party that had been a disaster on so many levels it shouldn’t have been possible. But he had to read about the attacks and disappearances and murders in the papers, and he didn’t want to think about what he would be reading in papers after the next three months. Three months, he thought, was not a _short time._  
  
“Hey,” Remus said and put his hand on Sirius’ back. Then he seemed to decide something, tugged the hem of Sirius’ shirt out of his trousers and pushed his hand in between the fabric and skin. He drew low circles on Sirius’ back. One of his fingernails had a sharp edge.  
  
“You’re wrong,” Sirius said. “It’s a long time. Kiss me.”  
  
“Here?”  
  
“The horses won’t mind.”  
  
Remus frowned at him.  
  
“Alright,” he said, “then I’m going to kiss you.”  
  
He kissed Remus on the mouth, and like always, it took Remus a second to kiss him back. It was like Remus had to think about it every damn time, and sometimes that moment was enough to make something drop inside Sirius. He supposed that was hope. Maybe one day Remus wouldn’t kiss him back, and then he would be left with absolutely nothing except a house full of ghosts and cursed wine.  
  
He pushed Remus back until Remus hit his back against the wall. The horses sounded a little restless, so maybe they were disapproving after all. Remus’ touch on his back was still light. He pressed his hips against Remus’ crotch tight enough to know for sure that at least there was this one thing Remus wanted of him. Sometimes he didn’t know what the fuck Remus was holding back for. Then he nipped Remus’ lower lip, only lightly, and Remus’ magic soaked through his skin and filled him in a second.  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said, holding his face in between his hands, “sorry, I didn’t mean to –“  
  
“Fuck,” he said. It was only the beginning. He was going to say something like _fuck you, you know I fucking want this, you don’t need to act like you’re doing something wrong, I’ve told you a million fucking times that I like it._ But his mind was too soft and the words were slipping away from him. He drew in a deep breath and then slammed his body against Remus’, because apparently that was pretty much everything he could do at the moment.  
  
Remus grabbed his shoulders and then kissed him sweetly, which was just about to drive him insane, when the magic on him let go enough that he could catch his mind again. He tried to push his hand into Remus’ pants but Remus stopped him.  
  
“They could walk in anytime.”  
  
“Just make some noise. Then they’ll guess what we’re doing and let us be.” The problem, though, was that Remus was oddly quiet in bed.   
  
“We can’t do this here,” Remus said, the stubborn idiot, still holding Sirius’ wrist in a tight grip.  
  
“I want to touch you.”  
  
“Later.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. Later, when they would be in bed in one of Alphard’s guest rooms, naked and having waited for it the whole day, there wouldn’t be a chance Remus could hold the charm back for long enough for Sirius to actually do anything about it. He didn’t exactly mind. But the thing was, sometimes he wished he could’ve kept his head clear for long enough to do something to Remus. Instead, he was always just a rambling mess of thoughts that didn’t connect with words and hands that didn’t do what he wanted. And Remus fucked him or blew him or jerked him off and it was all lovely and he appreciated the brief vacations from his own mind, especially in times like this. But he also wanted to touch Remus’ dick.  
  
“What?” Remus asked.  
  
“Nothing,” Sirius said and kissed him on the mouth before stepping away. The horses certainly looked like they were disapproving. He straightened his coat and ignored the question in Remus’ eyes.

**

“More tea?”  
  
“Yes, please,” Sirius said and held his cup while Alphard’s teapot filled it. The Christmas tree was humming a jazz song almost in tune, and in the other corner of the room, there was a so-called television, an odd machine Muggles apparently used to entertain themselves because their lives were dull without magic. Remus was sitting on the sofa next to him, staring at the piece of chocolate cake on the plate Andrew had given him a while ago. He seemed just about as relaxed as someone waiting for their own execution.  
  
“Can I have that?” Sirius asked and took the chocolate cake from Remus’ plate. “Thanks.”  
  
“It’s nice to have you boys here,” Andrew said. “Nice to have some company. We usually spend Christmas alone.”  
  
“It’s so much better than spending it with my side of the family,” Alphard said and glanced at Sirius. “No offense.”  
  
“Of course not,” Sirius said.  
  
“I think we spent Christmas with my family a few times,” Andrew said, “years ago, when we had just gotten together. But you know how it is. They were trying to be supportive and everything, but they didn’t know how to deal with us.”  
  
“Well, you had just told them that you were living with a man, and then it turned out to be me,” Alphard said, smiling a little. “And I didn’t understand Muggle technology, I couldn’t get anything done in the house. I didn’t know how to use the tap so I tried to negotiate with it. And I didn’t know anything about their culture either. I couldn’t talk about tv-shows or politics or anything. I’m not surprised that your family couldn’t quite hide how shocked they were.”  
  
“It was funny, though,” Andrew said. “And my grandma liked you. I think she was happy that finally there was someone else too who thought television was a weird new thing that didn’t make sense at all.”  
  
“She used to knit me mittens,” Alphard said, glancing at Sirius and Remus. “And I made charms to take care of her houseplants when she didn’t remember to water them anymore.”  
  
“Well, anyway, we’ve spent a lot of time here, just the two of us. I think we kind of got tired trying to make other people accept us.” Andrew paused. “Would you like more chocolate cake, Remus?”  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
“But Sirius and his brother came here a lot when they were kids,” Andrew said to Remus. “It’s been nice.”  
  
“This place used to be our family’s country house,” Alphard said, sipping of his tea. “But the main house itself burned down in a magical accident something like, I don’t know, sixty years ago, I guess. I’ve seen pictures, it was terrifying. This house used to be a cottage where some of the servants lived. But we never stopped keeping the horses here in the stables.”  
  
“My mother got the family house in London,” Sirius said, sipping his tea. Remus was glancing between him and Alphard with an odd look on his face. “Because she had married well, I suppose.”  
  
“I always hated Grimmauld Place, anyway,” Alphard said, nodding to Sirius. “Sorry.”  
  
“I hate it too,” Sirius said. “A terrible house.”  
  
“I guess my sister used to send the boys here to keep an eye on me,” Alphard said. “She hasn’t come here even once since Andrew moved in, but she sent the boys all the time.”  
  
“Probably she just wanted to get rid of us.”  
  
“Sometimes I’m afraid you’re going to end up like her,” Alphard said, and Sirius spat some of the tea on the carpet. _Fucking hell._ The carpet hissed at him and he cast a quick charm and apologised, and then he took a few deep breaths. “When she was young,” Alphard said in a light tone, “she wanted to study magical theory. We spent summers in France and she thought that maybe she’d stay there. I suppose she thought she’d live there alone, doing research and writing papers. I’ve never known anyone who loved reading more than my sister.”  
  
Sirius stared at him.  
  
“But she didn’t get out,” Alphard said, leaning back in the chair, “out of that house and out of that life.”  
  
“I’m not like that,” Sirius said, his voice coming out oddly thin.  
  
“She loved Louis Armstrong,” Alphard said. “She used to buy records and learn how to play those songs on the piano.”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat.  
  
“I’m not saying that I hope you’d run away or something,” Alphard said slowly, “and what’s happening now, the war… this isn’t exactly an easy time to make decisions about your life. But what I’m saying, it’s difficult, trying to live both your own life and the life someone else has planned for you.”  
  
Sirius made the teapot pour him more tea and then straightened his back. “I’m not going to end up like my mother.” There was something cold and familiar in his voice, and when he realised what that was, he almost spat the tea again. That was what his mother said to him about Regulus, Alphard, and his father: _you are not going to end up like them._  
  
He looked at Alphard. Alphard was looking back at him with a look on his face as if he knew what Sirius was thinking. Even the Christmas tree had stopped humming. Sirius thought about the piano in his house, playing jazz standards when it thought Mother wasn’t listening.  
  
“Anyway,” Andrew said, “Remus, I hear that you’re a vampire.”  
  
Sirius breathed out. The Christmas tree started ‘Fly Me to the Moon'. Alphard was smiling a little, so he definitely wasn’t thinking about Sirius’ mother anymore, and Remus looked absolutely terrified.  
  
“I told him,” Alphard said. “But don’t worry, we’ll keep your secret. I understand things haven’t been easy for your lot lately.”  
  
“No,” Remus said, his voice light as a brick wall. Sirius placed a hand on the small of his back and stroked back and forth with his thumb.  
  
“I’ve never met any other vampires,” Andrew said, frowned and turned to Alphard. “Or have I?”  
  
“I suppose not.”  
  
“I have met a centaur, though. It was very exciting.” Andrew glanced at the chocolate cake on the table and Alphard charmed a knife to cut a piece and floated it to him. “So, how does it work?”  
  
Sirius and Alphard turned to look at Remus.  
  
“Well,” Remus said very slowly, “it’s… I drink blood.”  
  
“I actually knew that,” Andrew said, taking a bite of the chocolate cake. “But do you only drink human blood? And where do you get it? From a hospital?”  
  
Remus looked like he was panicking more than a little. Sirius shifted closer to him so that he could feel Remus’ arm against his side. He was still petting Remus’ back with his thumb and wondered if Remus noticed.  
  
“No,” Remus said finally, “no, I… usually it’s animal blood.”  
  
“Oh?” Andrew said. “Do you keep pets?”  
  
Sirius tried to hide his laugh with a cough. It didn’t work out. Remus was probably going to murder him later for laughing at this, but maybe Remus would figure out a way to make it sexually satisfying for him.  
  
“I hunt,” Remus said, “animals. Wild animals.”  
  
“Rabbits?”  
  
“Sometimes. Or… something bigger.”  
  
“Foxes? Deer?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“I wish we had more wild animals in England,” Andrew said. “And more forests. It’s a shame we cut so many of our old forests centuries ago.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, “yeah, that’s a shame.”  
  
“So, you don’t drink human blood?” Andrew asked Remus. “Not at all? Does it taste the same?”  
  
“I…” Remus took a deep breath. “No, it doesn’t taste the same. Animal blood isn’t the same thing.”  
  
“You prefer human blood?”  
  
Remus looked a little helpless. “Yes. But it’s kind of… difficult to get.”  
  
“I suppose so,” Andrew said, frowning. “So, is it just the taste that’s different?”  
  
“No,” Remus said very slowly, “no, it’s not. It’s also… we get weaker if we only drink animal blood.”  
  
“Weaker?” Sirius asked.  
  
Remus didn’t look at him. “Slowly. And then, eventually, we get sick.”  
  
“There should be a blood bank for vampires,” Andrew said, crossing his legs and glancing at Alphard. “Or is there? You know, people could donate their blood. Or sell it.”  
  
“I don’t think many people would donate their blood for a blood bank for vampires,” Alphard said, his voice perfectly steady. “We have a little bit of prejudice going on in our society.”  
  
“Well, all societies are like that,” Andrew said, “but times are getting better on that front, luckily. I remember when sex between men was finally decriminalised. A good day. So, have you always been a vampire, Remus?”  
  
Remus coughed a little.  
  
“Or was that too personal?” Andrew asked quickly. “Sorry. I’ve been with Alphard for fifteen years now but some of the details of your society are still just a little bit of a mystery to me.”  
  
“No,” Remus said, leaning slightly against Sirius’ shoulder, “no, that wasn’t…”  
  
“Was it a stupid question, then?” Andrew asked, taking another bite of the chocolate cake.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said.  
  
“No,” Remus said firmly, “no, it wasn’t. It’s just that I never talk about these things. They aren’t… we don’t talk about them. But no, I haven’t always been a vampire. It’s not something you’re born with. It’s… I got bitten when I was eighteen.”  
  
“Bitten?” Andrew asked, chewing the cake.  
  
“A vampire bit me,” Remus said.  
  
“Interesting,” Andrew said. “When was that?”  
  
Remus cleared his throat.  
  
“That’s a secret, I’m afraid,” Sirius said. “He doesn’t want me to know how old he is. I think he’s afraid I might call him Daddy.”  
  
Andrew and Alphard laughed. Remus didn’t but he seemed a little angrier then and a little less terrified about the conversation. Sirius rested the flat of his palm on Remus’ thigh.  
  
“So, is that how it works?” Andrew asked. “A vampire bites you and you become a vampire too?”  
  
“Not necessarily,” Remus said. “It’s… it’s always deliberate.”  
  
“He wanted to turn you into a vampire?”  
  
Remus nodded.  
  
“Or she,” Andrew said.  
  
“ _He_ ,” Remus said, “it was a man. But it’s not exactly easy to turn someone into a vampire. You have to mean it to happen. You can’t do it by accident.”  
  
“That’s nice,” Andrew said.  
  
“So,” Alphard said pointedly, “there’s a bottle of wine downstairs that I thought we might open tonight. And there’s still more food. And maybe Sirius could play something for us.”  
  
“You play?” Remus asked. He sounded so happy to talk about something else than turning people into vampires that it was almost touching.  
  
“Not often,” Sirius said. “But I’m pretty good at it.”  
  
“Not modest, though,” Alphard said, catching the bottle of wine as it appeared in the doorway.  
  
“I’ve noticed that,” Remus said.  
  
“Mother wanted me to play the violin,” Sirius said, “so I picked the cello instead and got extremely good just to piss her off.”  
  
“It was the only thing he had patience for when he was a teenager,” Alphard said to Remus.  
  
“I was a disaster,” Sirius said. “But a charming one. I didn’t bring my cello and I’m not going back to pick it up. I might run into Mother.”  
  
“We have your old one in the closet in the guest room,” Alphard said. “I had to shrink it but I’m sure the charm doesn’t affect the tone.”  
  
“I’m sure it does,” Sirius said but went to fetch the cello. When he came back, Andrew was asking Remus what human blood tasted like.

**

“Fucking hell,” he said and closed the door behind him. Already standing in the middle of the guestroom, Remus turned to look at him. “I _know_ ,” he said. “It was crazy. I didn’t think Andrew would be so interested in all that vampire stuff.”  
  
“I think,” Remus said slowly, “I _think_ he just wanted to be polite and get to know me.”  
  
“Well, he’s a Muggle,” Sirius said and walked to the bed. He was tired and possibly a little drunk, which was just perfect. It was barely midnight yet and he wanted to have sex.  
  
“No one asks me things like that.”  
  
“I’ve tried,” Sirius said, even though he wasn’t exactly sure he had. “And I’m curious about many things, like, do you think my blood would taste good to you?”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said.  
  
“Great,” Sirius said and started pulling off his socks. “Wouldn’t you like to try? If you’re too scared to bite me, maybe I could cut myself again and let you lick the blood from the blade or something.”  
  
Remus looked like Sirius had hit him in the face.  
  
“Okay, maybe you don’t want to lick my blood from the blade. It was just a thought.”  
  
“No, it wasn’t…” Remus took a deep breath. “Please, talk about something else.”  
  
“How old are you?”  
  
Remus breathed out, then walked to the bed and sat down next to Sirius.  
  
“It’s not going to change anything.”  
  
“Of course it is,” Remus said and rubbed his forehead with his thumb. “I was born in 1783. In Wales.”  
  
“Holy shit. You’re an old man.”  
  
Remus glanced at him. Sirius raised his hand, pushed his fingers through Remus’ hair and then brushed his thumb against the scar that crossed Remus’ face.  
  
“Did you get this when you were a human?”  
  
“No,” Remus said, watching him.  
  
“You can get scarred as a vampire?”  
  
“There was magic involved.”  
  
“Right,” he said, resting his hand on Remus’ shoulder. “Do you feel like you’re almost two hundred years old?”  
  
“Do you feel like you’re twenty years old?”  
  
“Not exactly,” he said. He didn’t know what being twenty years old was supposed to feel like, but certainly not this. “I have a Christmas present for you.”  
  
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Remus said, sounding a little nervous.  
  
“It’s okay,” Sirius said, squeezing his shoulder. “I know that you’re poor and whatever you got me probably didn’t cost much. I don’t care. I have money, as you know.” He leaned in to kiss Remus on the mouth, and once again there was a tiny moment before Remus kissed him back. He closed his eyes and thought about his actual present to Remus, which was a coat his tailor had made and which would look just perfect on Remus. “You’re going to get to tie me up. That’s my present for you.”  
  
When he opened his eyes, Remus was staring at him. “What?”  
  
“You’re going to tie me up. For sex.”  
  
“I don’t want that,” Remus said too quickly.  
  
“Alright,” Sirius said, “but listen to me first. You’re always a little upset about the fact that you can’t fuck me without charming me. But you’ve told me that the way your magic works like that is to stop me from escaping. So, you’re going to tie me up first, and then there’s no need for your magic.”  
  
“Sirius –“  
  
“It’s perfect,” he said, touching Remus’ face. Of course it wouldn’t be perfect. His wrists would be tied, which meant that he couldn’t touch Remus’ dick, or anything else, for that matter. But he wanted to know if it was going to work or not. For once, he wanted to be sober when Remus fucked him.  
  
“I don’t know if that’s going to work out,” Remus said, but he looked like he wanted to try.  
  
“We’ll just have to see.”  
  
“Have you… have you done it before?”  
  
“Let anyone tie me up? No. You’ll be the first.”  
  
Remus looked a little struck at that. So, he was happy to be the first, which was stupid and kind of adorable. Sirius kissed him again and then started taking off his clothes, and then he felt the familiar tingling on his skin and the softness in his mind.  
  
“You’re doing it.”  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said, grabbing his wrists and squeezing maybe just a little bit more than usual, “sorry, I don’t mean to. It’s just…”  
  
“I _know_ ,” Sirius said, “we’ve been together for three months, I know what happens when you think about fucking me. Tie my wrists to the headboard.”  
  
“I don’t have rope or –“  
  
“Use your shirt,” Sirius said. “If I ruin it, I’ll buy you a new one.”  
  
“Why –“  
  
“My shirt is more expensive. And of better colour.”  
  
Remus glared at him, but when he tried to pull his wrists free from Remus’ grip, Remus didn’t let him. _Great._  
  
“And my legs,” he said. “Tie my ankles together too. But leave some space there so that you can fuck me.” He could see Remus swallowing. “It’ll stop me from running, though.”  
  
Remus blinked at him. “Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes,” he said.  
  
Remus used his own shirt to tie Sirius’ wrists to the headboard, just like Sirius had told him to. Then he pulled off Sirius’ trousers and pants and tied his ankles with his own trousers, loosely enough that Sirius could sprawl his legs. He tied the trousers to the bed so that if Sirius tried to leave, the ties wouldn’t only stop him from running but also getting out of the bed.  
  
“Good boy,” Sirius said. His voice came out a little breathless. He tugged at the ties on his wrists.  
  
“Shut up,” Remus said, climbing off the bed.  
  
“Yeah. That was your line, anyway.”  
  
“Quiet,” Remus said, which wasn’t like him at all. Normally he took directions from Sirius until Sirius was too gone in the charm to talk. Now, he stood up beside the bed, crossed his arms and looked down at Sirius. He was still wearing his pants and socks. “Can you get away?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Try it.”  
  
Sirius tried. The ties on his wrists rubbed against his skin and all he managed to do with his legs was to kick off the blanket. And Remus was watching. He tried a little harder, for Remus, and Remus just stood there until Sirius was panting and sweaty and didn’t feel the least charmed, and not very sexy either.  
  
“Good,” Remus said. “Now tell me what you want.”  
  
“You’ve fucked me before,” Sirius said, his voice coming out breathless. “You know what I want.”  
  
“Not like this,” Remus said.  
  
Sirius opened his mouth to say that he wanted Remus to fuck him, like always, he wanted Remus’ dick in his arse and he wouldn’t mind if Remus went a little rough with it, because usually that was the only thing that cleared his head at all. But he realised he couldn’t say it. Remus was staring down at him with an unreadable look in his eyes, and he was sweating and his left shoulder ached because he had been trying to pull his wrists free, and his cock was getting hard, right there for Remus to see, and he wanted to touch it but couldn’t.  
  
“Can you touch me?” he said and closed his eyes. _Please_ , his mother had told him, _you have to say ‘please’. Unless you’re talking to someone who’s worth less than you._ “Please.” He took a deep breath. “Please, Remus –“  
  
“Sure,” Remus said.  
  
Sirius opened his eyes just in time to see Remus’ wrapping his fingers around his cock.  
  
“Like this?”  
  
“Yeah,” he said. Remus’ grip was a little too tight. “Thank you.”  
  
“You look like you’re about to lose it,” Remus said and tugged Sirius’ dick in a lazy rhythm. “You can’t. I haven’t even started yet. How’s your mind?”  
  
Sirius tried to breathe. “Clear.”  
  
“Really? You don’t look –“  
  
So, maybe there was a little bit of Remus’ magic in him. But just a little. He felt like his mind was slipping but it wasn’t from the way Remus had charmed him, it was because he couldn’t use his hands, he couldn’t do anything, and it was alright because Remus was right there. Remus would do this for him. And everything felt so much sharper like this. Remus squeezed his dick and he pulled at the ties.  
  
“It’s not the charm,” he said and blinked. “Or it is, but just a little. It’s you.”  
  
“You like being tied up,” Remus said slowly. He sounded surprised.  
  
“Yeah.” Sirius took a deep breath. “Don’t you… like this?”  
  
“I think it’s working,” Remus said. “I’ve got you tied so I don’t need the charm.”  
  
“Can you… touch me more? Please?”  
  
“You’re oddly polite like this,” Remus said and reached to rub his hair.  
  
“Stop that.”  
  
“A good boy,” Remus said and climbed onto the bed next to him. “I’m going to touch you. Don’t wriggle. And don’t come.”  
  
Remus touched him everywhere except where it counted. He wanted to complain but it was _good_ , the way Remus ran his fingers up and down Sirius’ sides, followed his arms and took his hands and held them while he climbed over Sirius and kissed him on the mouth. And then he let go of Sirius’ hands and touched Sirius’ face instead, and told him he was pretty, which he had of course known already but it felt different like this. He closed his eyes. Remus kissed him on the throat and he wondered what it would feel like if Remus bit him there, just like that, just a little. He supposed it would feel good. He wouldn’t know how to fight it. He would lie here and let Remus drink from him, and the blood would run down his neck and to the sheets and -  
  
“Open your eyes,” Remus said, and he opened his eyes. Remus kissed his way down his chest and stomach and hips, avoided his cock and then took a firm grip on his ankle and kissed his thigh. He wanted to tell Remus to stop playing and _do_ something _,_ but also he felt every fucking kiss and every place where Remus touched him, and he thought he could feel the ghosts of the touches all over his body.  
  
Remus put his hands on Sirius’ knees, sprawled them as much as they would go, and then pushed his fingers up until he could brush the tip of his forefinger behind Sirius’ balls.  
  
“Please,” Sirius said. All the ghosts of touches were gone, all he could feel was Remus’ fingertip getting closer to his hole. An inch yet and…  
  
Remus pressed his finger inside.  
  
“ _Fuck_ ,” Sirius said in a hoarse broken voice, and then the warmth of Remus’ charm went through him like a tide.  
  
When he realised what was going on again, he was still on his back on the mattress, still tied up, still sweating and panting and wanting Remus to touch him, and Remus was standing in the middle of the floor with a focused look on his face.  
  
“Better?” Remus asked.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. His mind was still a little soft from the charm, but he pulled at the ties on his wrists and the pain helped.  
  
“You’re going to need to touch yourself,” Remus said. “Get yourself ready for me.”  
  
“I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
“Yeah, I _know_ ,” Remus said, biting his lower lip. “I know. You still alright?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Great,” Remus said. “I’ll undo the ties on your wrists and then tie your hands behind your back so that you can touch yourself.” And then he did that. Sirius ended up lying on his stomach, his arms bent behind his back and tied together, his face sideways against the pillow so that he could breathe but his neck was also hurting, and his dick pressing against the mattress until Remus grabbed his hips and pulled him up so that he was on his knees. He breathed in and out. Remus was petting his back, still wearing his pants and his fucking _socks_ , but his hand on Sirius’ back didn’t feel exactly steady.  
  
“Now,” Remus said, “push your finger in.”  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
“Of course you can,” Remus said, stroking his hair. “And tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”  
  
Sirius laughed.  
  
“And don’t laugh. No jokes. Just tell me.”  
  
He bit his lip. There was no way he was going to say that he was uncomfortable and risk Remus stopping this. “Yeah. Yes.”  
  
“Good,” Remus said. “Now, the first finger.”  
  
The angle wasn’t good but worked out in the end. Sirius had his own finger pushed into his arse and Remus’ hand petting his back and it was all fine, all fine, and his mind was hazy but from arousal and sex and Remus and not from weird vampire magic. And it was all clumsy and he tried not to fall onto his face and tried to breathe and tried to be as quick with himself as he could, because his wrists were hurting and his knees were shaking and he couldn’t possibly do this for long, but he did, because Remus told him to.  
  
“Good,” Remus said and kissed him on the back of his neck, “great. Get your fingers out now.”  
  
There was the wet sound from when he pulled his fingers out of himself. He could hear Remus breathing and he could hear himself, and his heart was in his throat, and he was going to fall on his face any second now. And then Remus grabbed his hips and pushed him into him in one long move, and he fell on his face and Remus followed him.  
  
Remus fucked into him for maybe four times before he could feel Remus’ magic in him. It blurred the pain from the ties, and it stopped his knees from shaking, and it fixed the pain in his neck. His face was pushed against the pillow and he couldn’t really breathe, but that was fine too. Everything was fine. He could feel that Remus was fucking into him and that was the only thing that mattered anyway.  
  
“ _Fuck_ ,” Remus said and slammed into him once more. Then everything stilled for a long time. Remus pulled out of him but he couldn’t quite feel it, everything was too soft, and he realised that Remus must have opened his ties at some point, because now Remus was trying to roll him onto his back. He tried to help but it was a bit too much, he was breathing properly again, and then he was coughing, and then he realised Remus was saying something.  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said, touching his face, “sorry, I didn’t… I wasn’t…”  
  
“Fine,” he said, which was pretty much everything he could say at the moment.  
  
“ _Bloody hell_ ,” Remus said, pushing his hair from his face. “You look like… Sirius, you didn’t come yet.”  
  
_Oh._ That.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Fine. I –“  
  
“I’m going to touch you,” Remus said and took Sirius’ cock in his hand. He tugged a few times, squeezed the head, and Sirius came in his hand.

**

He woke up at night and went to the toilet, and when he came back, Remus was watching him.  
  
“Hi,” he said and settled in the bed next to Remus, as close as he could without actually touching Remus.  
  
“Hi,” Remus said.  
  
“Merry Christmas.”  
  
“Fuck you,” Remus said, took Sirius’ chin in between his thumb and fingers and looked him in the eyes. “I was worried. I thought I had…”  
  
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”  
  
“The way you looked –“  
  
“I had trouble breathing at the end. But it was alright. It didn’t feel bad. Because of your charm.”  
  
“I wasn’t supposed to charm you.”  
  
“You only did that at the end. When you were already fucking me.”  
  
“I wasn’t trying to suffocate you either.”  
  
“When we do this again,” Sirius said as firmly as he could, “we’re going to figure out a way to keep me breathing.”  
  
“I don’t understand why you want these things.”  
  
Sirius turned to him. “You don’t understand why I want _you._ You’re an idiot.”  
  
“No, I’m not. I’m a hundred and eighty years older than you.”  
  
“And still an idiot,” he said and kissed Remus on the mouth. Remus kissed him back.  
  
“Do you think your uncles heard us?”  
  
“Alphard knows how to cast a silencing charm,” he said. “If he didn’t, that’s on him.”  
  
Remus didn’t argue about that, which was probably wise, because Sirius was half-asleep already.

**

The bleak light was coming through the curtains when he woke up again. At least Remus was still in the bed, naked and lying on his side, his back turned to Sirius. He shifted as close to Remus as he could and pressed his nose against Remus’ shoulder.  
  
“Are you awake?” Remus asked in a very quiet voice.  
  
“No,” Sirius said and wrapped his arm around Remus’ waist.

**

He took a quick bath and then didn’t know what to do with the water, so he left it there. He couldn’t understand how Alphard was able to live without a house-elf. But Remus had already wiped himself clean with a wet cloth at that point and was now pulling on his clothes.  
  
“Alright?” Remus asked, when Sirius checked the faint red marks on his wrists and then cast a charm to get rid of them.  
  
“Yeah. You don’t need to keep asking.”  
  
“I just –“  
  
“Are you? Alright, I mean?”  
  
Remus stared at him for a few seconds and then nodded.  
  
They went downstairs. There was a smell of coffee and toast coming from the kitchen. Sirius reminded himself that he should ask what Remus thought of smelling and seeing food. Maybe it was for Remus something like seeing and smelling a table full of blood would have been for the rest of them. Maybe Remus though it was a little bit disgusting that Sirius wanted to drink coffee and then kiss him. Well, that was funny. Maybe Remus -  
  
“Hi,” Regulus said. He was sitting in the chair in the kitchen. He looked nervous and tired and he had certainly lost some weight. Also, his pullover was ugly.  
  
“What the fuck?” Sirius asked Alphard, who was standing at Regulus’ side, drinking coffee from a huge mug.  
  
“It’s my fault,” Regulus said. “I asked him.”  
  
“I really think you two should talk,” Alphard said.  
  
Sirius took a deep breath. “We can’t. We are -”  
  
“It’s got nothing to do with the war,” Regulus cut in. “You’re just angry because I left.”  
  
Well, of course he was angry. “I’m not.”  
  
“Bullshit. You’re jealous because I left and you haven’t yet.”  
  
“And how is it going for you?” he asked, took the closest chair and sat down in front of Regulus’ face, close enough that their knees were poking together. “You look like hell, I bet you don’t have enough money even for _food._ ”  
  
“Of course I look like hell,” Regulus snapped back, “I’m trying to do something that _matters._ Things are pretty bad, if you haven’t noticed.”  
  
“I don’t want you working for Dumbledore,” Sirius said and then bit his lip, but it was too late anyway. And surely everyone in the room had already known that.  
  
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Regulus said and blinked. “I don’t want to fight. I just want to…”  
  
“Yeah? What?”  
  
“I want you to say that you aren’t angry that I left.”  
  
Sirius took a deep breath and then another. Then he looked at Alphard. “You know what he’s doing, right? He’s helping Dumbledore, and he thinks Dumbledore knows everything so he’s going to do fucking everything Dumbledore tells him to, and he’s going to get himself killed in the end. He could go to France, we still have family there, he could stay there until all this is over –“  
  
“I’m sorry,” Regulus said at his face, “I’m fucking sorry that I did it and you didn’t have the guts to, and I’m sorry that you’re alone with Mum and Dad now. But I don’t regret it. I had to leave. I _had to._ ”  
  
“Sure,” he said. “You _had to._ ”  
  
“You could too,” Regulus said. “They don’t have anything on you. It’s just money and expectations. Those things don’t mean a shit. Just leave.”  
  
“Like you did.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“And running away is going to solve everything.” Sirius took a deep breath. “It’s my house. It’s my _family._ ”  
  
Regulus stared at him. “Does Dad know that I’m not living there anymore? Does he understand it?”  
  
Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it again.  
  
“And do you think,” Regulus said slowly, “do you think Mum would miss you, if you weren’t there?”  
  
Sirius swallowed. “Yeah. In some way, she would.”  
  
“I don’t want a life that’s good in _some way_ ,” Regulus said, “I want a life that’s good. And _you_ are my family. Not the house. I couldn’t breathe in that house.”  
  
“It’s the mold.”  
  
“No, it’s not. It’s the wrong kind of life. And you can’t make it your own. Even every fucking _painting_ in that house knows five generations of Blacks and how they have done things and what’s the right way to be.”  
  
“That’s not how it is,” Sirius said. It was exactly how it was, and he fucking _hated_ Phineas Nigellus Black.  
  
“You have to forgive me at some point,” Regulus said. Now he just sounded tired. “Or else it’s on you that we don’t talk.”  
  
Sirius stared at him. Alphard had stopped drinking his coffee. Remus was standing a few steps away from Sirius, and he knew without looking that Remus wanted to be anywhere else.  
  
He stood up from the chair, stepped to Regulus and hugged him tightly. Regulus smelled of coffee and toast.  
  
Sirius pulled away.  
  
“Let’s go,” he said to Remus, took Remus’ hand and Apparated out.


	6. Winter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius makes a deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go again!

What was Regulus doing for Dumbledore?  
  
Surely it couldn’t be anything too dangerous. Even Dumbledore wouldn’t let anyone who was eighteen years old and just out of Hogwarts do anything _actually_ dangerous. It just didn’t make sense. There were people who were older and had more experience and knew what they were doing. But every time there was a headline about an attack or a murder or a kidnapping on the paper, Sirius read the whole text over and over again and told himself that if Regulus had been involved, he would have known, even though there were no names, except of the names of people who had gotten killed. Sometimes it happened that later, when he had already decided that Regulus had had nothing to do with the said accident on the paper that day, he got drunk and told Kreatcher to fetch the paper and then read the news again and again with alcohol-induced certainty that everything was going to hell.  
  
_“Sirius?”_  
  
And if he was being completely honest with himself, he had to admit that was the one thing he knew. Everything was going to hell. Regulus was still alive, had to be, but all this was getting worse and he couldn’t see a way out, and Regulus was just like any other boy for Dumbledore, something to sacrifice for the greater good once the old man ran out of people to use.  
  
“Sirius,” Remus said in a sharp tone, “say something.”  
  
Sirius blinked. “It’s not working.”  
  
Remus stared at him.  
  
“Your magic,” he said, “it’s not working.”  
  
“I’m trying not to charm you,” Remus said and touched the side of his face with his free hand. Remus’ other hand was disappearing behind Sirius’ balls, his fingertip barely pushed inside. Remus bit his lower lip and pulled his finger carefully out.  
  
“Don’t,” Sirius said and took a deep breath. _Fuck_. “Sorry. I was…”  
  
“You were somewhere else,” Remus said, watching him carefully, “you were thinking about something else.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“I’m going to let you free.”  
  
“Don’t,” Sirius said, “really, don’t. I want you to fuck me. And this is working.”  
  
Remus shook his head and then sat up on his heels on the mattress. They were in Sirius’ bed, they were both naked, it was past midnight, and Sirius clearly wasn’t drunk enough, but he wasn’t going to do anything about that now that he had already made Remus chain him to the bed. He could hear the windows whistling and the house sighing. The snow had melted away right after Christmas and for the last three weeks it had been raining every fucking day.  
  
“What’re you thinking about?” Remus asked.  
  
“The weather.”  
  
“The weather –“  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said and poked Remus in the thigh with his knee. That was pretty much everything he could do at the moment. After Christmas at Alphard’s house, he had fixed the bed a little. Kreacher had glanced at the modifications once or twice but hadn’t said anything. They were really quite good. It was very easy for Remus to keep Sirius in place with the nice comfortable chains he had added to the bed. “I want to have sex,” he told Remus. It should have been obvious without saying, because he had let Remus fasten the chains around his wrists and ankles. “Really.”  
  
“I had my finger in your arse and you were thinking about the weather,” Remus said.  
  
Sirius stared at him. It didn’t seem like Remus was going to drop this and get back to the sex. “I was thinking about Regulus.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Remus pulled his knees up against his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees. He was naked too, so it looked a bit ridiculous.  
  
“You’re surprisingly flexible, considering your old age,” Sirius said.  
  
“Shut up,” Remus said. He was getting better at telling Sirius to shut up these days. Sirius should probably have been worried. “What about Regulus?”  
  
He shook his head. “Just… I hope he’s not in trouble.”  
  
Remus didn’t say anything.  
  
“I know,” Sirius said, “I know we’re all in trouble. But I just…”  
  
“Of course you’re worried,” Remus said and then opened the chain around Sirius’ left ankle before Sirius could protest. Sirius closed his eyes. Remus’ fingers on his leg were slow and tentative, and then in a few seconds, Remus freed his right ankle as well. He flexed his toes and didn’t say anything when Remus let his hands free.  
  
“Sorry,” he said, pulling his legs together.  
  
Remus shrugged him off. “I don’t understand why you don’t talk to him.”  
  
“Of course you don’t,” he said and regretted it immediately, but just a little. He didn’t know anything about Remus’ family, but if Remus had one, surely they had been dead for a hundred years. Remus couldn’t possibly know how he felt. “Besides,” he added, “it wouldn’t change anything. Sure, I could go to his flat and have tea with him and, I don’t know, chat about the weather. But it wouldn’t change anything.”  
  
Remus looked like he wasn’t sure.  
  
“It _wouldn’t._ The problem is this fucking war. I don’t want him in it.”  
  
“Of course you don’t,” Remus said, “I get that. Of course you don’t want anyone you care about to have any part in it. But if you can’t keep him out –“  
  
“But I should. I should figure out how to keep him out of it.”  
  
Remus cleared his throat.  
  
“He’s just a kid. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”  
  
“He’s two years younger than you.”  
  
“Exactly.”  
  
“I don’t think –“ Remus paused. “I don’t think anyone’s old enough to know what they’re doing. Not when something like this happens. This… this war.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, “but he’s too young. I don’t want him in it. He just doesn’t _listen._ He’s so fucking stubborn, always has been.”  
  
Remus looked at him as if he was missing the point. He closed his eyes. _Shit_. He just wanted to get off and sleep and maybe wake up five years later, when all this would be over and forgotten. And Remus wouldn’t look a day older than he looked today, which was a bonus. Remus could chain him to the bed then and fuck him and everything would be perfect.  
  
“You said something,” he said, peering open one eye. Maybe if they talked about something than Regulus, Remus would forget about the earlier conversation and get back to trying to fuck him. And besides, what Remus had said to Andrew in the middle of a very weird conversation over Christmas had kind of stuck with Sirius. “You said animal blood isn’t good enough.”  
  
He saw Remus swallowing. “Yeah.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said, “I get that. It’s kind of obvious, really. You’re a vampire, of course you’d rather drink human blood. But you said something like… like that you’re going to get sick.”  
  
“I didn’t say that,” Remus said. He had definitely said that.  
  
“You said that if you only drink animal blood, you get sick. What kind of sick?”  
  
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”  
  
“Yeah, but you did,” Sirius said and pushed his right foot into Remus’ lap. “Tell me. I want to know.”  
  
Remus shook his head. “It doesn’t concern you.”  
  
“I want to know, Remus. We’ve been fucking for almost four months.”  
  
Remus glanced at him.  
  
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said. “I know we haven’t exactly talked about being boyfriends or anything, but we _are_ together and I have rights.”  
  
“You have _rights_ –“  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“As a person who’s been fucking me for almost four months,” Remus said, sounding amused for some fucking reason, “you have _rights._ ”  
  
“Yes,” Sirius said, “yes, I do. And just so you know, I don’t want you to get sick.”  
  
The look on Remus’ face changed. “It’s not going to happen quickly. You won’t be around to see it.”  
  
“What? Because I’ll be dead then?”  
  
“More like…” Remus paused.  
  
“You think I’ll be fucking someone else.”  
  
Remus glanced at him.  
  
“Fuck you,” he said and nudged Remus’ dick with his big toe. Remus grabbed his ankle. “Hey –“  
  
“I should just put you in chains again,” Remus said. “You’re impossible to talk to.”  
  
“Yeah, you do that. And anyway, I’m not planning to stop fucking you anytime soon. So just tell me. About the sickness thing.”  
  
“The sickness thing,” Remus said slowly, still holding his ankle in a surprisingly tight grip. “It’s simple. We’re supposed to drink human blood. We can get by with animals, but not indefinitely.”  
  
“What do you mean, not indefinitely?”  
  
Remus smiled a little.  
  
“Are you going to _die?_ ”  
  
“No,” Remus said and took a deep breath, “well, yeah, eventually. I hope so. I haven’t… I’ve been trying to research it but there are very few written records about us, at least very few that I can trust. Mostly it’s just stories that are only half true. Or less. But I think…” He glanced at Sirius and then looked away. “I think if we don’t drink human blood, we get weaker and weaker until one day, something that definitely wouldn’t kill us otherwise, just…”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
Remus blinked. “What?”  
  
“You mean, you don’t die of old age? You just get hit by a horse or something?”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, “I suppose so. But maybe not a horse.”  
  
“Horses are big.”  
  
“Not big enough.”  
  
“You said _sick,_ ” Sirius said, “you said you were going to get sick.”  
  
“Well, that’s…” Remus cleared his throat. “It happens sometimes. It’s a bit more unpredictable.”  
  
“You’re still not telling me everything.”  
  
“Of course I’m not telling you everything,” Remus said, as if that made any sense. Sirius poked him at the stomach with his heel. He ended up brushing Remus’ dick again, and Remus grabbed his leg and pushed it from his lap. “I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like a… fever, I guess. But it also affects your mind.”  
  
“The sickness.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Have you had it?”  
  
“Once.”  
  
“And how did you –“  
  
“I drank human blood.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. Remus turned away from him and climbed off the bed.  
  
“But you aren’t drinking human blood now,” Sirius said after him. “Or are you? Is there something you aren’t telling me? Because I get jealous, you know.”  
  
“I’m not drinking human blood,” Remus said, stopping at the bookshelf. He had his hands rested on his hips and he looked like he was inspecting the titles but Sirius supposed it was just an act. “I haven’t in a long while.”  
  
“That’s why you’re so skinny.”  
  
Remus laughed in a surprised tone. “What?”  
  
“But I like it. Don’t worry. So, eventually you need to kill someone.”  
  
Remus’ shoulders dropped and he shook his head.  
  
“But you have. You have killed someone.”  
  
“You shouldn’t be talking about it like that,” Remus said, turning to him. “Not in that tone, like you’re… What you’re talking about is murdering people.”  
  
“But you need to drink.”  
  
“I’m almost two hundred years old,” Remus said in a tight voice, “I’ve had my share of life and more. Can we talk about something else?”  
  
“I don’t know. What if you just drink a little bit of human blood? Without killing anyone? That’s possible, right?”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, “yeah, that’s possible. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”  
  
“But what if you –“  
  
“ _Sirius_ ,” Remus said and took a step towards him, and the familiar soft wave of Remus’ magic hit him. He blinked.  
  
“You –“  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said and climbed to the bed, “sorry, it’s just… you never shut up about anything.”  
  
“It’s the upbringing,” Sirius said, even though he had a little difficulty with the _upbringing._ The word was just too long, and his mind was too soft. He breathed in and out. “You’re using your magic to shut me up.”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said, staring at him.  
  
“I thought you couldn’t… control it.”  
  
“It works this way just fine,” Remus said. “And it’s easier because you trust me. The hard part is trying not to charm you when we’re in bed.”  
  
Sirius supposed he knew all that already. He glanced at the ceiling and then at Remus again. “Please –“  
  
Remus’ charm disappeared.  
  
“Fucking hell,” he said and took a deep breath. “That was… I hadn’t realised you could…”  
  
“I really, really don’t want to talk about those things,” Remus said. “Please.”  
  
Sirius thought about it. He had a feeling that the things he wanted to know the most were the same things Remus didn’t want to talk about. But he would find a way to make Remus talk. Later. Now, he felt tired in a very familiar way, only this time Remus’ charm had been on him for such a short time that the fatigue felt lighter, too.  
  
“Can we have sex now?” he asked. “Finish what we started?”  
  
“If you want to.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said and lay down on the bed. “Chain me up.”

**

He woke up to noises in the corridor. It couldn’t possibly be the morning yet. He rolled onto his side to face Remus and realised Remus was wide awake, listening to the noises.  
  
“Hey,” he said.  
  
Remus flinched and then glanced at him. “There’s someone in the corridor.”  
  
“It’s probably just the statues again,” he said, brushing the skin of Remus’ back with his knuckles. Remus shivered. “Sorry.”  
  
“It’s not the statues.”  
  
“They do that sometimes. I guess they’re a bit bored. Kreacher can take care of them.”  
  
“It’s not the…” Remus took a deep breath and turned to him. “How are you feeling?”  
  
“Fine,” he said.  
  
“You aren’t…”  
  
“Hurting? No.” He brushed his thumb against the back of Remus’ neck. “Don’t worry. You weren’t that rough.”  
  
“I didn’t mean to.”  
  
“It was good. You were doing exactly what I told you to.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said slowly, “but you were… you weren’t… you weren’t thinking.”  
  
Sirius stroked Remus’ hair. He had been very much trying not to think. He had been on his knees and elbows, chained up to trick Remus’ brain into believing that he couldn’t escape if he wanted – or maybe Remus genuinely thought so, maybe Remus hadn’t realised Sirius knew a few wandless charms that he could use, and if that was the case, he certainly wasn’t going to tell Remus. But having him chained up was never quite enough. Remus’ charm usually started slipping into him once Remus had his cock in his arse and was fucking him. And so, last night, he had asked Remus to do it harder, and harder, and harder, because the pain cut through the charm, and the charm made the pain softer, and the combination was really quite good, only in the end he had realised he was bleeding a little.  
  
“We aren’t doing it like that ever again,” Remus said now, took his hand and kissed the inside of his wrist. He could feel the brush of Remus’ teeth against this skin.  
  
“You’re worrying too much,” he told Remus. But his hands had been shaking when he had taken his wand, held it pointed at his arse and cast a healing charm. The pain had stopped immediately and what was left was the somewhat soft memory of a shock when he had realised he had done something like that to himself without realising it, and that he should have been more disturbed and he just couldn’t be, because his mind was still full of mist.  
  
He hadn’t even thought about what seeing the blood would mean to Remus until he had already healed himself and cleaned the sheets. And then, what he had seen on Remus’ face hadn’t been thirst, it had been worry. Which had kind of made it a little bit worse, because he didn’t know how to deal with that. Lily and James and Peter had worried about him at school, of course, like friends did. And maybe Regulus worried about him. But all of them had pretty much disappeared from his life.  
  
“It was an accident anyway,” he said, running his fingers up and down Remus’ chest. Remus’ chest hair had a red shade in it, which was funny, because his hair was the most usual kind of brown there was. “I didn’t mean that to happen.”  
  
“I know,” Remus said. “Me neither. But it doesn’t really make it better that it was an accident. I don’t want to –“  
  
There was a knock on the door.  
  
Remus turned to look at the door and then at Sirius again, his eyes wide and worried.  
  
“The statues,” Sirius said and climbed out of the bed. It wasn’t the statues.  
  
“Morning,” the voice came from the other side of the door. “How did you sleep? How’s your friend?”  
  
Sirius stopped at the door. He could just pretend they weren’t here. But Remus was looking at him in a way that made it obvious he was going to have to explain anyway.  
  
He unlocked the door and opened it. Dad was smiling at him.  
  
“I’m in the middle of something,” he said. His own voice sounded all wrong, too, as if he were talking to a child. Or to a ghost. He was glad that he couldn’t see Remus’ face now, and then he heard from behind his back as Remus climbed off the bed and started pulling on his clothes.  
  
“No, no,” Dad said in an amused voice, apparently to Remus, “you don’t have to do that, young man. I’m a man of the world. And we’re living modern times. It’s 1977, after all.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip.  
  
“Is it?” his father asked, blinking. Then he walked past Sirius into the room, where Remus was trying to fasten the buttons of his trousers. “Good day. Nice to meet you. I’m Sirius’ father. And you are?”  
  
Remus stopped buttoning his trousers, stared at Sirius and then at Orion.  
  
“I don’t know why he hasn’t introduced me yet,” Dad said to Remus, reaching out his hand. “You seem like a nice young man. Maybe Sirius is a little shy. But I never thought that. My younger boy, Regulus, he’s the shy one. Sirius was always a little bit too reckless, didn’t think much, just did what he wanted. Anyway, I’m glad we finally met.”  
  
Remus shook hands with Orion. “Nice to meet you, sir.”  
  
“And your name?”  
  
“Remus,” Remus said in a tone that sounded like he didn’t know at all what to expect. He kept glancing at Sirius. Sirius closed the door, locked it again and then just watched. It was like standing on the beach and seeing a wave crash against the rocks. There was nothing to be done to stop it from happening. “Remus Lupin,” Remus said in a thin voice. “I’m Sirius’…”  
  
“Boyfriend,” Dad said and finally let go of Remus’ hand but only to pat him on the shoulder. “I know. I always had a hunch that Sirius might be queer. Both of my boys, actually. I think that’s going to be a bit of a struggle for their mother to accept, but we all are what we are, right?” He glanced at Sirius. “Did you invite Regulus to breakfast?”  
  
“No,” Sirius said, “no, I didn’t.”  
  
“We have to go and tell him,” Dad said. “He sleeps so late these days. I’m a bit worried about that boy, really, he’s sleeping late, and the semester is about to start next week, and then he needs to get up early in the morning. We should go back to London soon.”  
  
“We are in London, Dad.”  
  
“I’m glad you came to visit us,” Dad said, turning to Remus again. “The summer is always so nice here. I always loved France, you know, ever since I met Sirius’ mother and we spent a little time here every summer. Come to the window, young man, the scene is absolutely beautiful.”  
  
Remus glanced at Sirius. Sirius shrugged. From what he could tell from the sounds, it was still raining behind the curtains. Remus followed Orion to the window and then glanced at Sirius again when Orion didn’t even open the curtains, just sat down in the closest chair and crossed his hands in his lap.  
  
“Look,” he said to Remus, “the sea, it’s just lovely. It’s so very lovely. And the rocks. We used to walk up there, me and Walburga, can you see? We don’t talk much these days, but we used to. And things change. That’s how it is. I’m just glad I have my boys. And can you see? There’s a lighthouse on the sea, you should be able to see it, on a sunny morning like this. This is a very nice house. We bought it when… I don’t really remember when we bought it. Do you, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius shook his head.  
  
“Too bad,” Dad said without looking the least worried. “But now here we are. This is a good place. Oh, I love the sound of the seagulls.”  
  
“Dad,” Sirius said and stepped forward, “Dad, you should be sleeping.”  
  
“In the morning?” Dad asked, turning to look straight at him. “Do you think I’m getting old or something?”  
  
“No,” he said, walked to Remus, put his hand on Remus’ shoulders and nudged a little. Remus backed away. His trousers were hanging low on his hips, but Dad didn’t seem to notice. Dad also didn’t seem to notice that Sirius was naked, or maybe that just didn’t make a difference for him in whatever place he had gone to in his mind. “Dad, go upstairs.”  
  
“Upstairs?” Dad asked. “We’re upstairs.”  
  
“No, we aren’t,” he said and took Dad’s hand. “We’re in Grimmauld Place, and your room is upstairs. You have all your books there. And your… your pictures. Everything. Let’s go there.”  
  
“We should go for breakfast,” Dad said but stood up when Sirius tugged at his hand. “We should tell Regulus to come.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. From the corner of his eye he could see the way Remus was looking at him.  
  
“Where’s Regulus?” Dad asked, his voice suddenly a little bit worried. “He’s not on the beach, is he? The tide is coming.”  
  
“No, he’s not on the beach,” Sirius said and pulled Dad across the room, to the door. “Let’s go upstairs. I’ll come with you. You can lend me one of those books you always talk about.”  
  
“Oh,” Dad said, “oh, yeah. Those books.”  
  
He walked Dad upstairs. The paintings on the stairway were watching him, maybe because he was naked or maybe because they hadn’t seen Dad in a while. He ignored them. This was his own fucking house. And his life. A wrong kind of a life, like Regulus had said, but his.  
  
He left Dad in his room. There were books everywhere, and empty cups of tea, and clothes on the door, and half-finished paintings. He should tell Kreacher to clean up a little better. He tried to get Dad into the bed, but Dad insisted on sitting at the desk. _I want to look at the lighthouse_. Sirius thought about telling him that there was no lighthouse, but was the point?  
  
When he got back to his own room, Remus was sitting on the bed, still wearing trousers and nothing else.  
  
“He knows how to get back to his room,” he said, locked the door and walked to the drink cabinet. “On most days. But I don’t think he would’ve gone there.” The cabinet poured him a glass of whisky. He emptied it. “He would’ve gone to Regulus’ room and then he would’ve been there, waiting, until Kreacher found him there.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry about that.”  
  
“Don’t apologise,” Remus said slowly. “What…”  
  
“What’s wrong with him? We don’t know. He was already losing it before Regulus left.” Sirius walked to the bed and sat down. “For what it’s worth, I think he’s the happiest one in this family. He just usually thinks it’s the summer of 1977 and we’re all in France in the house that doesn’t exist, to my knowledge.”  
  
Remus stared at him.  
  
“Look,” he said and took Remus’ face in between his hands. “I don’t want to talk about it. Can we not?”  
  
“Alright,” Remus said. “What do you –“  
  
“Can we just go back to sleep? It’s the middle of the night.”  
  
“I think it’s almost morning,” Remus said, “but, yeah. Sure.”  
  
Sirius followed the scar on Remus’ cheek with his fingers. When Remus closed his eyes, Sirius stroked him there as lightly as he could. Remus let him.  
  
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said and kissed Remus.

**

He had just finished his bath when a painting of a young man he had had a crush on when he had been a kid told him Phineas Nigellus was looking for him. He told the painting to fuck off. Then he shaved his chin and thought about the way Remus had stared at the blood on his throat and his fingers the first morning after they had met, put the razor away and apologised to the painting. It was eyeing his arse with mild interest and accepted the apology. He put on some clothes and went to find Phineas, and two hours later, he was in Dumbledore’s office, drinking tea.  
  
“So, how are you?” Dumbledore asked.  
  
Sirius sipped his tea. Once, when all this was over in one way or another, he would throw his cup of tea at Dumbledore’s face. What a day that would be.  
  
“Fine, thank you,” he said and crossed his legs. “And how about you?”  
  
“Fine,” Dumbledore said and then frowned, “well, I’ve had some pain in my back lately. Damned thing, I hurt it in the late fifties and it never got back to how it had been.”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. He supposed he had never realised that Dumbledore had a body.  
  
“I understand that you’re worried about your brother,” Dumbledore said.  
  
Sirius shifted in the chair. “Has something happened?”  
  
“No, no,” Dumbledore said, “nothing surprising in times like these. I don’t want to worry you. So, the last time we had tea, you told me about the conversation between Narcissa Malfoy and yourself. Have you seen her since? Maybe at the dinner party last weekend? I’d very much appreciate more information about her family’s allegiances.”  
  
Sirius had seen Narcissa at the dinner party last weekend. They had talked about weather and their mothers and how the things were going to be in the future, and it all had been very vague and a little hard to grasp, or maybe that had been because Sirius had still been thinking about Remus and his father in his room that morning. Remus hadn’t said anything about Orion ever since, and hadn’t seemed too shocked. Or disgusted about the discovery that Sirius’ father was in fact a crazy person. And Sirius felt helplessly thankful because Remus hadn’t, _what_ , left him, and that made him want to hit himself in the face.  
  
He placed his cup of tea on the side table. The porcelain was very nice. There was a reason why Dumbledore had mentioned Regulus, had to be, and he definitely wasn’t going to talk about Narcissa until Dumbledore would kindly share his information about Regulus.  
  
“Talk to me about Regulus,” he said.  
  
“Oh,” Dumbledore said, “I don’t think that’s wise. You’re worried already.”  
  
“Tell me why you mentioned Regulus and I’ll tell you what Narcissa said when we talked last Friday.”  
  
“I suppose you think you’re bargaining with me,” Dumbledore said, not sounding the least surprised. “I hope you realise that’s not what’s going on here.”  
  
That was exactly what was going on. “Of course,” Sirius said.  
  
“We’re in a war. All of us are trying our best to prevent the terrible consequences if the worst scenarios were to happen. Our personal discomfort and, may I say, our losses are a tragedy but one that we must suffer.”  
  
_Cut the bullshit,_ Sirius thought. “Yes, of course. Naturally. But tell me about Regulus. What are you making him do?”  
  
Dumbledore looked at him for a while before answering. Maybe it was a good sign. “Nothing special. Regulus is still terribly young, you all are. But he’s been willing to help with whatever he can. However, the thing I wished to talk to you about…”  
  
_Finally_ , Sirius thought, took the cup of tea and sipped it.  
  
“I hear that you are in a relationship with a vampire,” Dumbledore said.  
  
The cup of tea slipped from Sirius’ hands and splattered onto the floor.  
  
“So, it’s true,” Dumbledore said and fixed the cup with a silent spell. “I thought Regulus might have gotten it wrong. He’s a little quick to jump to conclusions. Must be because of his age.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. The cup of tea was on the side table again. The tea was back in it. He wanted to take it and sip it, just to do something other than stare at Dumbledore with a shock that he probably couldn’t hide at all, but his hands were shaking.  
  
“I hope you aren’t angry at him,” Dumbledore said, “for spilling your secret, I mean. I had tea with him the other day and we discussed his future assignments and the risks involved, and the weather, all the usual things. And then he said he had met you briefly at Christmas, and there was something in the way he said it that made me think he wanted to tell me something but thought he shouldn’t. So, I asked him to kindly share his information. You know how essential knowledge is for winning this war, even if it’s a bit… personal in its nature.”  
  
Sirius wouldn’t have been surprised if Dumbledore had used Occlumency to read Regulus’ mind. What he was surprised by was that apparently Regulus had guessed what Remus was.  
  
“I’m not interested in your personal relationships, of course,” Dumbledore said, leaning forward over his desk. “It doesn’t concern me in any way with whom you choose to perform sexual acts with. And as you know, personally I think that the way we treat many magical creatures in our society is just unacceptable. I hope the future lets us see things differently and respect our differences instead of fearing them. However, in times like these…”  
  
Sirius breathed in.  
  
“I want you to introduce him to me,” Dumbledore said.  
  
“You want me to introduce you to…”  
  
“To your boyfriend,” Dumbledore said, “Remus Lupin. Yes, I was able to find out his name, but even that was hard. He’s very secretive and for a good reason. The things that have happened to him in the past – but I’m sure you would rather not discuss that with me.”  
  
Sirius swallowed.  
  
“I could, of course, find him myself and have a talk with him,” Dumbledore said, “but I suppose it would be better for everyone if you arranged a meeting.”  
  
“Why?” Sirius asked, his voice coming out thinner than he wanted.  
  
Dumbledore smiled a little. “I might need his help.”  
  
“With the war.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“He doesn’t want anything to do with the war.”  
  
“Just like the rest of us,” Dumbledore said. “Sadly, we have to do our best even in the most difficult situations.”  
  
“It’s not his war.”  
  
“Yes, it is.” Dumbledore straightened his back and there was a loud crack. “Voldemort is trying to gather vampires to support him. And my contacts within the vampire society are… very few. I need someone inside.”  
  
“No,” Sirius said, “no, he won’t do that. He won’t be your spy.”  
  
“Certainly he should be the one to decide that.”  
  
Sirius shook his head, took the cup of tea and sipped it. It tasted the same than it had before the cup had broken and Dumbledore had fixed it and put the tea back in it. He wondered if it was the same tea that had splattered onto the floor. Maybe Dumbledore just kept his room very tidy.  
  
“Sirius –“  
  
If he let Remus decide for himself, sitting in Dumbledore’s room, drinking Dumbledore’s tea, Remus wouldn’t know how to say ‘no’. Sirius hadn’t, and he had known Dumbledore for ten years. But at least he could try to do it for Remus.  
  
“No. No, I won’t introduce you.”  
  
“Oh,” Dumbledore said and sighed. “That’s a shame. But as you wish. So, the other thing you were willing to discuss –“  
  
Sirius nodded. From what he had been able to tell, Narcissa was still trying to stay away from the war, but her husband -  
  
“I have a small group of people who’re at the front line of this fight,” Dumbledore said. “People that I trust most and who, sadly, often end up with the hardest tasks. Regulus is willing to join us.”  
  
Every painting in the room seemed to be holding its breath suddenly. Sirius could hear his own heartbeat. “What?”  
  
“Yes,” Dumbledore said in a sad tone, “yes, I know he’s young. And I must admit, I have doubts about putting him through all that. But I don’t see how I can not give him a chance to fight for what he strongly believes is right.”  
  
“Sure you can,” Sirius said and grabbed his knees to stop his hands from shaking. “He’s _eighteen_ , for fuck’s sake, he’s not supposed to be –“  
  
“This isn’t a life I would’ve hoped for any of us,” Dumbledore said. “But this is the life we got.”  
  
“No,” Sirius said and stood up. The paintings were staring at him. He kind of wanted to walk out of the room but then he would be stuck in Hogwarts and besides, he didn’t know if Dumbledore’s door was going to let him out. He also wanted to walk to Dumbledore and hit the old man in the face. It was a very hard choice.  
  
He took a deep breath.  
  
“You’re using him;” he said, “you’re using him to get to me. That’s what you’re doing. If you think that I don’t realise –“  
  
“Sirius,” Dumbledore said slowly, “you’re very valuable to me. You’re clever and your skills in magic are excellent, and your position in your family makes many things possible.”  
  
“I mean nothing,” Sirius said. His ears were ringing. He had once got hit by a bludger and it had felt something like this. “None of us means anything to you, not me, not Regulus, not Remus –“  
  
“I assure you, putting any of you in danger is a heavy burden on my conscience,” Dumbledore said, watching him. “And that’s why I’m considering if I ought to ask Regulus to do something else, something safer, in a way. I trust that you aren’t aware of this, but there are some people on our side of the war who’re even at this moment hiding from Voldemort. However, we have reason to believe that their current Secret Keeper has been compromised. I’m considering if Regulus could fill that position.” Dumbledore sipped his tea. “That would require him to stay out of the worst to come, I suppose, to avoid drawing attention to himself.”  
  
Sirius closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, Dumbledore was sadly still there. “So if I introduce you to Remus, you’re going to protect Regulus.”  
  
“Yes,” Dumbledore said, “yes, that sounds sensible.”  
  
It sounded a lot like blackmail. Sirius walked to the chair and sat down. “Alright.”  
  
“Great,” Dumbledore said. “I’m glad you think that’s what we should do. Now, would you like some honey cake? I stole it from the kitchen, and I must say, it’s absolutely delightful.”  
  
“No,” Sirius said, “no, thank you. I just want to go home.”

**

_“What?”_ Remus asked.  
  
Sirius closed his eyes. Remus’ charm was still lingering inside him. He tried to catch his breath and find enough strength to cast a cleaning charm to get the cum off his thighs and stomach, and also he tried not to start crying.  
  
“Yeah,” he said. He could feel Remus’ breaths against his neck. “I promised him I would introduce you.”  
  
“So that he’d keep Regulus safe.”  
  
“ _Safer_.”  
  
“You know I don’t want any part in this war.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said. Maybe this would be the end. Maybe Remus would leave him now, and what would he do then? Lock himself upstairs with his father and lose his mind?  
  
Remus was quiet for a long time. When Sirius was about ready to tell Remus that he could just leave, no reason to drag this out, Remus put a hand on his shoulder.  
  
He opened his eyes. Remus had been looking at his throat but blinked and raised his gaze to Sirius’ eyes.  
  
“You had no right to drag me in,” Remus said, stroking his shoulder with his thumb. “When?”  
  
“When what?”  
  
“When do I meet him?”  
  
Sirius took a deep breath. “You’re going to do it?”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said, watching him.  
  
He cleared his throat. “Why?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Remus said and sighed. “Because you promised him.”  
  
“But why would you…” _Why would you do it for me?_  
  
Remus shook his head and rolled onto his back. The room was all quiet. The paintings were looking the other way. “Is your mind clear?”  
  
“Pretty much.”  
  
“How was it this time? The charm? Was it…”  
  
It was always a walk on a tightrope – chaining him to the bed helped Remus to control the charm, and the pain helped Sirius to keep feeling everything even when Remus’ control started slipping. But tonight he supposed they both had been a little tired. Once Remus’ charm had washed over him, he had let it come. And he was pretty sure the way Remus had fucked him had been slow and gentle, only he didn’t really feel like he had been wholly there in his body when it had happened.  
  
“It was fine,” he said and turned to his side, facing Remus. “I didn’t want to, you know. I tried to keep you out of this. But Regulus –“  
  
“Yeah, I know,” Remus said. He didn’t sound angry, which somehow made it worse.  
  
“I don’t mean that he’s more important to me than you are, it’s just…”  
  
“Of course he is. He’s your _brother._ ”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. “But you’re my…”  
  
Remus glanced at him.  
  
“I never wanted to choose.”  
  
“I know,” Remus said. “I realise that.”  
  
“I don’t understand why you’re doing this for me.”  
  
“The same reason you didn’t want to choose.” Remus paused. “I don’t have any family. I lost them a long time ago.”  
  
Sirius looked at him. Remus didn’t look sad, not exactly, but more like… a little nervous. Maybe he was thinking about meeting Dumbledore. But he was looking at Sirius. One of the paintings was snoring now. Sirius cast a charm to clean them a little, and then he pulled the duvet on them both and shifted closer to Remus. He kissed Remus on the neck and then on the left arm, and Remus stared at him with the same nervous look in his eyes.  
  
“I’ll be your family,” he said.  
  
“Don’t say that,” Remus said very quietly. “You don’t mean it.”  
  
“Of course I do.”  
  
“You already have one,” Remus said. He sounded like he was panicking a little. “We’re not… we’re just…”  
  
“Fucking,” Sirius said, “yeah, no, that’s not true. We aren’t just fucking. You know that.”  
  
Remus blinked at him. “You’re a… you could be with anyone.”  
  
“Yes,” he said and kissed Remus on the nose. “And I want you.”  
  
“You’re out of your mind,” Remus said softly.  
  
“It runs in the family,” Sirius said, but Remus didn’t laugh. He climbed onto Remus and settled his right leg in between Remus’ thighs, pressed his chest against Remus’, and wrapped his fingers around Remus’ wrists. “I want to see where you live, though.”  
  
“You really don’t need to see where I live,” Remus said in a light tone but his eyes were still worried. “I’m sharing a room with a Muggle. You’re living in a castle.”  
  
“This isn’t a castle. And my owl already knows where you live. It can always track you down. One of these days, I’m going to take my broom and follow it. I haven’t tried flying since I was at school, so if I fall, it’s on you.”  
  
“I’m sure you’re brilliant at it,” Remus said. “If you really want me to show you where I live, I’ll do that.”  
  
_Why_ , Sirius thought but kissed Remus on the mouth instead of asking. Remus kissed him back.


	7. Winter III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's a bad party.

Remus lived in an apartment building in Muggle London, but it wasn’t the same kind of Muggle London where Sirius had wandered around with James and Lily and Peter one summer when they had been teenagers and he had been feeling particularly reckless. Here, he felt like he had somehow ended up in another dimension. There was a book in the library in Grimmauld Place with wild speculations about whether that was possible and how grim and violent the other dimensions would be.  
  
“Here,” Remus said, walking to the front door of one of the ten or so similar apartment buildings in the block. He sounded a little nervous. Sirius wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to but was afraid his voice might come out shocked or judgemental. Lily had once told him he had tendencies towards that.  
  
He followed Remus inside. The hallway smelled of onion, and maybe a little bit of piss. Remus kept glancing at him, and he tried to look like he thought it was normal to live like this. They walked up to the third floor and there, Remus stopped at one of the doors, pushed a tiny Muggle key into the lock and froze.  
  
“I don’t know if he’s home, but maybe it’s better if you don’t talk to him.”  
  
“Your flatmate?”  
  
Remus nodded.  
  
“Alright,” Sirius said, pushing his hands into his pockets. He was feeling weirdly nervous too, as if being in a building full of weird Muggles was a reason to get nervous.  
  
Remus glanced at him like he didn’t believe Sirius would behave. Sirius smiled a little, which went wrong somehow, because Remus only looked more worried. Then Remus opened the door.  
  
They walked into the room, which was tiny and obviously unmagical. Sirius tried not to look surprised. Then he realised there was another bed at the other side of the door, and another desk, and one chair with a bunch of clothes on it.  
  
“He’s not home,” Remus said in a quiet voice. “Good.”  
  
Sirius didn’t answer. Remus walked to what apparently was Remus’ half of the room. It was smaller than the pantry in Grimmauld Place, more like the size of the smaller toilet downstairs, the one mother made guests use when she didn’t like them. Remus’ bed was narrower than the one in which Sirius had slept in Hogwarts as a kid.  
  
“Hey,” Remus said, stepped to him and stopped in front of his face. “I told you you didn’t want to see this.”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s just…” He swallowed. “Is this _all?_ ”  
  
“There’s a bathroom down the hallway,” Remus said, “and a kitchen we can all use.”  
  
“You share a bathroom?”  
  
Remus nodded, staring at him as if it was a challenge. He felt a little dizzy.  
  
“You knew that you were rich,” Remus said in a quiet steady voice, watching him, “didn’t you? It’s not like it’s a surprise to you.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said, “no, it’s just…”  
  
Remus looked like he was trying to bite back a smile, which didn’t make sense at all. “Your house is so big your family can live there without seeing each other for weeks. Everything’s stretched by –“ he lowered his voice, “by magic. Your room is so big a family could live there easily. You could fit a tiny house inside your room.”  
  
Sirius sat down on Remus’ bed. It creaked. “Yeah, but why don’t you…”  
  
“Why don’t I what?”  
  
He bit his lip. “Why don’t you have money?”  
  
Remus stared at him.  
  
“I mean,” he started and rubbed the side of his nose, looking away from Remus, “you’re kind of… old. In a way. Haven’t you had time to figure out how to…”  
  
“Get rich?”  
  
He shrugged.  
  
Remus opened his mouth, closed it again, walked to the bed and sat down next to Sirius. The bed seemed like it wasn’t going to stand the weight, but it did. “I suppose,” Remus said slowly, “I suppose someone else might have. But I haven’t… for me, it’s been more like… everyone can guess there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know how but they do. It’s hard to keep a job. And I can’t stay in one place for long.” He glanced at Sirius. “I’ve looked like this for two hundred years.”  
  
“Only your fashion sense has evolved.”  
  
“Barely,” Remus said, patted him on the knee and then drew his hand away. “The kind of rich that you are, though… that kind of money doesn’t come from, I don’t know, having a job for a hundred years.”  
  
“No, I know,” Sirius said, but he supposed he had never really thought about it.  
  
“It’s like, you just happened to be born with it, and then you grow into thinking that it’s just the way things are, that you have all this…” Remus blinked. “Everything that you have. I don’t even know. I don’t suppose I’ve seen half of it.”  
  
“No, you haven’t,” Sirius said. The house had so many closets and there was just so much _stuff._ In the cellar, there was a room where they kept a golden skeleton of an elephant one of his ancestors had acquired in the nineteenth century, when the family’s slightly illegal tea and opium business in India had been a success. Or so his father had told him, when he had been a kid and had asked about the elephant that still sometimes rumbled at night. Father had sounded sad and so had the elephant.  
  
“Some things are just very easy for you,” Remus said. “Not everything. I don’t mean to say that your life in general is… easier than someone else’s. But some things are easy.”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat, thinking about the elephant. Once, a long time ago, he and Regulus had been playing in the cellar and had got lost. It had been the next day when mother had found them, so they had spent the night in the room where the elephant was, because at that point the cellar had locked some of the doors and hadn’t let them anywhere else. But the elephant had been quiet that night. They had wrapped themselves in the old quilts smelling of tobacco and he had told Regulus stories so that Regulus wouldn’t be scared. Regulus had fallen asleep eventually but he hadn’t, and the elephant had stared at him as if it knew how he felt.  
  
He opened his mouth to tell Remus about the elephant, but then the door opened and a young man with a bad fashion sense and a moustache walked in.  
  
Remus stood up. “Dave. I… This is…”  
  
The man with a moustache stopped and looked at Sirius. He looked like he was trying to figure out what was wrong with the picture.  
  
“My friend,” Remus said. He was probably trying to sound casual, but he failed.  
  
“Nice to see you,” Sirius said and smiled. It didn’t work. Remus’ roommate only looked more sceptical.  
  
“We were just going,” Remus said and walked so quickly out of the room that Sirius had trouble following him.  
  
They walked to the street and then turned into a tiny alley between two houses. Remus leaned his back against the tile wall and took a deep breath, and Sirius grabbed Remus’ wrist.  
  
“Do you mind?”  
  
“No,” Remus said, and Sirius Apparated them out to the moors near Alphard’s house. The wind hit him in the face. He let go of Remus’ wrist and wrapped his arms around Remus instead, pulling him closer. He pushed his nose against Remus’ neck and kissed him there, and Remus breathed in and out in a rhythm that was too fast.  
  
“That was weird,” he said a little later, when Remus was breathing normally again.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said slowly, “I don’t know why, I just…”  
  
“You didn’t want him to see me.”  
  
“It’s not because of you.”   
  
“Of course it’s because of me.”  
  
Remus sighed. “Yeah. But not like… I mean, it’s not like I’m ashamed of you or something. But you were so out of place there, a rich wizard kid in a Muggle house, there wouldn’t be any sensible explanation why you would be there. With me. Or why you would be friends with me.”  
  
“Bullshit,” he said, squeezing Remus’ shoulder.  
  
“No,” Remus said, “no, it’s true. He probably thinks that I’m sleeping with you for money.”  
  
Sirius took Remus’ face in between his hands and kissed him on the mouth. Then he nipped at Remus’ lower lip and Remus wriggled.  
  
“I’m not,” Remus said, pulling a little away, “I’m not sleeping with you for money.”  
  
“I know that.”  
  
“Even though in the beginning, you tried to buy me with breakfast and a new coat.”  
  
“Well, you weren’t interested in that kind of breakfast anyway,” Sirius said, hugging him tightly. “Come on. I know it’s my outstanding beauty that’s drawing you in, not my money.”  
  
Remus laughed onto his shoulder. “I hope you know you’re a fucking asshole sometimes.”  
  
He had suspected that for some time now. “Yeah, I know. Good for me that you’re into that.”  
  
Remus’ charm washed over him. He tried to hold onto Remus’ shoulders but Remus stepped away from him.  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said from where he was standing now, five feet away for him. “I didn’t mean to…”  
  
Sirius sat down on the ground. “Sex outdoors,” he said, his voice coming out a little slurred, “I didn’t know that’s your thing.”  
  
“Asshole,” Remus said in a soft voice but didn’t show any signs of approaching him.  
  
“Good to know my flirting’s effective.”  
  
“You don’t have a fucking clue,” Remus said, and then something shifted on his face. “I’m trying to pull it back. The charm. Is it working?”  
  
He wasn’t sure. He would have gladly let Remus push him against the ground and do anything to him. But maybe that wasn’t the charm. Maybe he was in love. Bloody fucking hell, what a mess. “Maybe,” he said. “Are you thirsty or something?”  
  
Remus looked a little shocked.  
  
“Come on. I’m just joking.”  
  
“It’s not a joke to me,” Remus said slowly.  
  
Sirius took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around his knees. “So, are you?”  
  
“All the time,” Remus said, watching him.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
Remus shook his head. “You don’t get to apologise about that.”  
  
“Yeah but… sorry.”  
  
“Fuck you,” Remus said and sat down on the ground too. Then he grimaced. “This is wet. Why didn’t you warn me?”  
  
“Because you charmed me with your vampire magic.”  
  
Remus opened his mouth, closed it again and stared at him for a few seconds before saying, “It’s not a joke.”

**

He thought about Remus the next weekend when he was in Rodolphus and Bellatrix’s house in London, drinking wine that tasted better the more he drank and eating pies that made him a little queasy. He shouldn’t have been thinking about Remus. Igor Kalkaroff said something to him, and he smiled and thought about Remus’ magic in him, and all the things he would let Remus do, and the look on Remus’ face when he had said on the moors that it wasn’t a joke, and the way Remus had said _all the time._ Sometimes it happened that he forgot for a while that Remus wanted to bite him and had to hold himself back. And sometimes he found himself wondering what it would feel like. He supposed he would like it. Remus would make it feel good for him, incredibly good, and he would barely notice the blood running down his neck… or there wouldn’t be blood running because surely Remus wasn’t a messy eater. Remus would be neat about it. Remus would hold him down by his shoulders and bite his teeth into the warm skin on Sirius’ neck and drink until…  
  
“Are you drunk already?” Rabastan asked, staring at him.  
  
He blinked. Igor Kalkaroff seemed to be talking to Narcissa now. She looked like she wanted to be somewhere else, which was probably true, and Igor looked like he wondered what he could do to make her leave her husband for him.  
  
“You’re drinking a lot these days,” Rabastan said, standing too close to him, a half-full glass of wine in his hand. Sirius’ was empty.  
  
“No, I’m not,” Sirius said and then realised he was a little drunk. _Shit._ It wasn’t even midnight yet. This thing might go on until four in the morning.  
  
“Don’t you like the company?” Rabastan asked in a light tone.  
  
Sirius shook his head. “I… _shit._ ”  
  
“Yeah,” Rabastan said and sipped his wine. “It’s weird, all of us drinking wine and gossiping like there’s nothing going on. I met him a few weeks ago, you know.”  
  
It took Sirius a few seconds to realise whom Rabastan was talking about. “You met –“  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yes,” Rabastan said, glancing at him. “Not alone, of course. There were a few of us. He wants… well, you know what’s happening.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said slowly. Some people had started to dance. The light in the room seemed thin as if it wasn’t completely real. “So, is it true that you…”  
  
Rabastan pretended he didn’t understand. Sirius wanted to shake him or maybe elbow him in the crotch or fuck him or – no, not _fuck_ him. He had Remus now.  
  
“On your arm,” he said, “do you have the…”  
  
Rabastan touched his forearm through the fabric.  
  
“Did it hurt?” Sirius asked and then wanted to laugh, because what kind of a question was that? Rabastan had promised himself to Voldermort and got a tattoo on his arm. Surely it didn’t matter if it had _hurt_.  
  
“Yeah,” Rabastan said and then raised his hand and brushed his knuckles low against of Sirius’ back. Sirius glanced around. No one was watching.  
  
“Can I see it?” he asked. He only wanted to see it for Dumbledore, for… proof. Dumbledore would ask him if he had seen the Dark Mark on Rabastan’s forearm. Dumbledore would ask him if he was _sure._ It was for Dumbledore, not for him, not because for some reason the thought of the Mark made him feel sick but also like he wanted to peel Rabastan out of his clothes to see if Rabastan had actually gone through with it, if the body Sirius had touched a number of times had been marked so clearly.  
  
“Not here,” Rabastan said. “Come on.”  
  
He followed Rabastan out of the drawing room and through the corridors without knowing exactly why. He was pretty sure Remus would be pissed at him, and he was pissed at himself for thinking so, because he wasn’t doing anything he wasn’t supposed to. He hadn’t even touched Rabastan yet, hadn’t touched he tattoo either, and if he did, who would think it was sexual? No one. No one would think so. And maybe he was slightly drunk, but could still keep his thoughts together, even though walking a straight line was a challenge. He followed Rabastan to one of the guestrooms and watched as Rabastan locked the door. They had probably fucked in this room once or twice. He blinked at the bed and then realised Rabastan was rolling up his sleeve.  
  
“Can I touch it?” he asked and then touched it.  
  
“If you wanted to meet him,” Rabastan said, grabbing Sirius’ shoulder, “if you wanted to meet the Dark Lord, I could probably arrange it. You could… have you thought about it?”  
  
“Yes,” he lied, kind of. He had thought about whether Dumbledore was going to make him do that at some point. “But I don’t know.”  
  
Rabastan was petting his hair now. “I think… it would be good if you were with us.” He sounded lonely.  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius said again, brushing his fingers back and forth over the Dark Mark. It didn’t feel like anything but he couldn’t stop touching it.  
  
“When did we last…” Rabastan paused and moved closer to him, pressing his hips against Sirius’. He wasn’t hard but his hands wrapping around Sirius’ back were shaking.  
  
“In the autumn,” Sirius said. He could feel the nature of his dizziness change. There was a sharp undertone in it now. He pressed his dick against Rabastan’s hips and took a deep breath. “It’s a bad idea.”  
  
“It always was.”  
  
“No,” he said, took Rabastan’s head in between his hands and kissed him on the mouth. Then he stepped back and stumbled on his feet. He ended up sitting on the carpet. _Fuck,_ he was drunk. “It’s different now. It’s… a different kind of a bad idea. I’m…”  
  
“What?” Rabastan asked, still not sounding quite like himself. “What, Sirius? You’re what?”  
  
“I’m seeing someone.”  
  
Rabastan shook his head slowly. “No, you aren’t.”  
  
“Yes, I am.”  
  
“A woman?”  
  
Sirius laughed. “Fuck, no.”  
  
There was an odd look on Rabastan’s face. But Rabastan couldn’t be jealous, of course not, that would’ve been absurd. There was nothing going on between them. They fucked when they wanted to and fucked other people in between and that was how it always had been. And yeah, they had been friends when they had been younger, and probably still were, in a weird way which involved casual fucking and showing your Dark Mark. But Rabastan didn’t _care_ about him.  
  
“I would’ve heard,” Rabastan said, his voice stretched somehow.  
  
  
“No,” Sirius said and closed his eyes, “no, I hope not. It’s a man. We’re trying to keep it secret. It’s not…” He bit his lip. “It’s nothing serious. But, you know.”  
  
“I don’t."  
  
“I promised him I wouldn’t fuck anyone else. He’s jealous. And I want to keep him around.”  
  
“Don’t tell him then.”  
  
“No, I can’t… he’s good at reading me.”  
  
“Occlumency?”  
  
“No, just… he’s just good.” _I love him_ , he thought and lay down on his back on the carpet. Maybe he had been drinking a little more than he had realised. _I love him_ , he thought, _I fucking love him_ , and he would never say that to Rabastan, because Rabastan would find a way to use it, they were all just using each other these days, it was all that there was left. Only Remus was different. Remus was Sirius’ secret, he belonged to Sirius and no one else, and Sirius would never let anyone use him, only he had kind of let Dumbledore already, he had introduced Remus to Dumbledore and now Dumbledore was planning to use Remus, and that was his fault, but he hadn’t meant it to happen so it kind of wasn’t, right, he hadn’t meant it to…  
  
He realised someone was shouting. At first he thought it was Rabastan, but it wasn’t.  
  
“Fucking hell,” Rabastan said, taking his wand. “Get up."  
  
Sirius climbed onto his feet. It was difficult, but the shouting coming through the walls helped him sober up a little. He grabbed Rabastan’s shoulder and Rabastan shook his hand away.  
  
“Hey,” he said when they rushed through the door and through the corridors, “I’m sorry about –“  
  
“Don’t be,” Rabastan said and then glanced at him. “Really.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah,” Rabastan said. “You’re going to get tired of him and then we can fuck again.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. He would never get tired of Remus. But he didn’t have much more time to think about that before they reached the drawing room and it turned out everyone was Apparating away.  
  
“What’s happening?” Rabastan shouted at no one. The wine glasses were shattering against the floor as people Apparated out without putting them away first.  
  
“There’s an attack,” Bellatrix shouted back and touched her forearm. ”Doesn’t your –“  
  
Rabastan pushed up his sleeve. The Dark Mark was glowing.  
  
“ _Fucking hell_ ,” Sirius said without meaning to. Bellatrix Apparated out. He looked around. Narcissa was standing in the middle of the room, staring back at him as if she was waiting for him to explain it. But he wanted someone to explain it to him. He realised vaguely that Rabastan had grabbed his arm and he was glad of it, because Rabastan’s fingernails were digging into his skin and it hurt and made everything a little better, a little more real. Everything would be alright. He would go home and take a bath and go to bed.  
  
“I need to go,” Rabastan said and Apparated out without letting go of Sirius’ arm.

**

He fell onto his knees. The grass was wet so it had to have been raining. Rabastan was yelling at him, so he stumbled onto his feet and took his wand, and then he looked around. There was a house on fire, and people were screaming but otherwise it was oddly quiet. He swallowed and thought he heard it echoing inside his head. He didn’t know whose house it was, he had never been here before. The yard wasn’t large but they were clearly in the country-side, only it was dark and there was too much smoke and he couldn’t really see anything else than the house on fire.  
  
“Watch out!” Rabastan yelled at him, and he looked around but couldn’t see Rabastan anymore. There were people who had dark robes, and people who were wearing high heels and dresses, and people who were wearing nightgowns, and it seemed that everyone was fighting, like a dual at the school but nothing like that. Nothing. He squeezed his wand and turned until he felt queasy, and then he saw Regulus.  
  
Regulus was standing in front of a smoking apple tree. He was holding his wand as if he was about to curse someone, but he was staring at Sirius with his eyes wide and his mouth open.  
  
“No,” Sirius said, “no, no, _no –“  
  
_And then something hit him from the side.  
  
The ground was still wet. He tried to roll onto his back but couldn’t. He tried to breathe and it worked out, kind of. He thought he heard Regulus shouting but couldn’t be sure. There were sparks of light in the air. Curses. He wanted to close his eyes and sleep, but there was something wrong with him, something warm and wet all over him and he supposed that couldn’t be rain, because rain was cold and felt different anyway. And he was hurting all over.  
  
“Fuck,” someone said, kneeling down at his side. It was Regulus.  
  
“Hey,” he said, blinking. “You don’t look good.”  
  
“ _Fuck,”_ Regulus said, which wasn’t informative at all, “you’re… I don’t know what… I don’t know who… Sirius, you’re _bleeding._ ”  
  
Well, that made sense. “The charm –“  
  
“It’s your arm,” Regulus said, “it’s… I can’t stop that, that’s…”  
  
“I think,” Sirius said slowly, “that you should go home. Go home. Dad misses you.”  
  
“ _Sirius_ ,” Regulus hissed, sounding like he was panicking.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. That made sense. Regulus should go home. Then everything would be alright. They would be a family again. A weird, dysfunctional family with a lot of secrets and an elephant in the cellar, but a family anyway. “I hate that you left. I miss you. I miss you like hell.”  
  
“I miss you too,” Regulus said. “You’re about to die, Sirius, we need to get you out of there, but where –“  
  
“I can Apparate,” Sirius said. He wanted to see Remus. That was the only thing that mattered now, only of course he wanted Regulus to be safe, too, but he couldn’t do much about it. And he missed Remus. He fucking missed Remus. “Don’t worry. Just go home.”  
  
“No,” Regulus said, squeezing his hand, “no, you can’t, you’re going to –“  
  
Sirius Apparated out.

**

He fell on Remus’ floor and rolled onto his side. He wasn’t sure if he still had his arm or if he had lost it, but there was blood everywhere, so maybe he hadn’t. He opened his mouth to apologise to Remus, this was very inconvenient, but all he managed was to cough. Maybe there was blood in his mouth too. And then, when he started thinking that maybe Remus wasn’t even here, maybe Remus wasn’t at home, maybe he had come here for nothing and would die alone anyway, he heard Remus saying his name.  
  
The second thing he realised was that Regulus was still there too, holding his hand.  
  
He closed his eyes. Remus was asking what had happened and why Regulus had brought Sirius here, and Regulus said he hadn’t done anything, it had been Sirius, and that they should go but he didn’t know where, and Remus said no, _no,_ they weren’t going to leave, but Regulus had to do something, there was blood all over the floor, and Sirius’ arm was… and didn’t Regulus _realise_ that Remus… And Regulus said that yes, he fucking realised and that if Remus tried to attack Sirius now, Regulus would… And Remus laughed in a very horrified tone and said Regulus wouldn’t be able to stop it.  
  
And then the familiar numbness hit Sirius, only this time it was stronger than ever. Remus’ charm. Thank god. He heard Regulus shouting but it was distant like coming through deep water. He felt like floating. He was floating in a warm soft place where nothing could touch him and nothing could hurt him and the blood running on him felt like hands touching him, Remus’ hands, and the pain was only good and he couldn’t really feel it anyway. He was probably going to die now. He hadn’t meant that to happen, but it didn’t matter anymore. He was too tired to care. And everything was soft.  
  
“ _We need to stop the bleeding,”_ Regulus said somewhere very far away. He sounded scared.  
  
“ _How?_ ” Remus asked, and his voice seemed to have an echo inside Sirius. Maybe that was because he loved Remus. He didn’t know how or why but he did.  
  
_“Don’t you know any healing charms?”  
  
__“I don’t have a wand!”  
  
__“You don’t have a wand?”  
  
__“I’m a fucking vampire, they don’t give us wands, my magic is... You have to do it, and right now –“  
  
__“I’m so bad at it, I can’t –“  
  
__“You have to try!”  
  
__“Why’s he like that? Why’s he… are you doing something to him?”  
  
__“Yes! I can’t help it, there’s blood everywhere, just…”  
  
__“It doesn’t work!”  
  
__“He’s bleeding out, you need to –“  
  
__“Don’t touch him!”  
  
__“I’m going to stop the bleeding. I’m not going to…”  
  
__“You look like you want to –“  
  
__“Of course I want to! Now get the fucking charm right and…”  
  
__Hey,_ Sirius thought, _don’t fight. It’s okay._ But he couldn’t talk, and Remus’ charm was pulling him under. He wasn’t sure he could breathe either.

**

“Hey.”  
  
He blinked. He was in Remus’ flat, apparently lying in Remus’ tiny bed. He tried to roll onto his back but couldn’t make himself move. Thank god Remus was there, standing in the middle of the room, watching him.  
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
“Not good,” he said. His voice came out so hoarse he could barely make sense of what he was saying. “What –“  
  
“Regulus left,” Remus said in a blank tone. “He stopped your bleeding and fixed your arm and then stayed for long enough to make sure you were going to be alright.”  
  
“I don’t feel alright.”  
  
“He said it was just one curse that hit you,” Remus said. “I’ve never seen anything like that. The mess…”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“No, don’t…” Remus took a deep breath and looked out of the window. “You Apparated right into my flat. When you were _bleeding._ ”  
  
“Sorry,” Sirius said again, but he couldn’t make it sound like he meant it.  
  
“I almost attacked you.”  
  
“No, you didn’t.”  
  
“Yes, I did. Thank god Regulus was there with you. It distracted me. And then he started yelling at me. But still, I could barely…”  
  
“You didn’t attack me.”  
  
“I could have,” Remus said, walking to the window and then back, “I could have and you wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it, _anything_ , and Regulus either. I don’t even… the smell of… you were covered in blood, and the _scent…_ ”  
  
“I didn’t think.”  
  
“Yeah, I know.” Remus stared at him for a few seconds, then walked to him and sat on the edge of the bed. “Can I?”  
  
“Yes,” he said. “Anything.”  
  
Remus placed his hand very carefully on Sirius’ face and brushed his thumb against Sirius’ cheekbone. “I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at _me_ , because I almost… and also I’m… I thought you would die. I was so…”  
  
“Scared.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, caressing him. “I was so fucking scared.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“You don’t need to…” Remus sighed. “What happened?”  
  
“I just wanted to be with you. I didn’t realise… I didn’t think about the blood.”  
  
Remus was quiet for a few seconds. “I mean, how did you get hurt? Regulus said something about a fight between the Order and the Death Eaters, but…”  
  
“I don’t know.” He closed his eyes. Remus didn’t stop touching him. “I was at Rabastan’s house, in a party, and then something happened, and Rabastan took me with him. The house was on fire. I didn’t realise what… And then I saw Regulus and, I don’t know. Something…”  
  
“This war is getting bad,” Remus said, petting his hair.  
  
“Yeah,” he said. “Can we not…”  
  
“Sure,” Remus said. “You should go to Mungo. Make them check your injuries. Regulus seemed to get you fixed alright but… I don’t know.”  
  
“Can we not talk about that either?”  
  
“I felt so helpless,” Remus said, his voice flat now. “You were dying, and I couldn’t do anything about it, I couldn’t even try to because I was so… the only thing I could do was to keep myself in check so that I wouldn’t attack you and kill you myself.”  
  
“It’s alright. Don’t -”  
  
“It’s not alright. I was _useless._ ”  
  
Sirius breathed in and out.  
  
“Your kind of magic,” Remus said, “I could probably do it, if… But they don’t teach us that. We don’t get wands and no one teaches us how to… heal wounds.”  
  
“You can do other stuff.”  
  
“I can charm you so that it would be easy for me to hurt you.”  
  
“You didn’t hurt me,” Sirius said and tried to grab Remus’ hand, but all that he managed was to brush Remus’ thigh. Remus seemed to understand and took his hand. “Sorry that I just came here like this. I’m glad your flatmate wasn’t home.”  
  
Remus stroked the back of Sirius’ hand with his thumb. “He came home when Regulus was just about finished fixing you. I don’t think he saw any magic being done but… I should probably move out.”  
  
“Shit.”  
  
“Well,” Remus said, “it’s not like I’m going to miss this flat.”  
  
“I’m sorry anyway.”  
  
“You can apologise later, when you’ve recovered.”  
  
“I just wanted to see you,” Sirius said. _Fuck,_ he was tired. “Could you Apparate us to my house? To the front door? I’ll sneak us upstairs from there.”  
  
“Alright,” Remus said, holding his hand.


	8. Spring I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there're miracles and conversation.

**SPRING**  
  
  
  
  
  


He was in the bath, smoking a cigarette and waiting for the water to cool enough to make it worth the trouble to heat it up again, when Kreacher came to tell him that Remus had arrived. He told Kreacher to fuck off and then asked it back and told it to get a bottle of wine from downstairs, the good sort, not the kind that had been ruined by the curse. It was too bad that Remus didn’t drink alcohol, but Sirius certainly did, and he wanted to get drunk. Sadly, he had been drinking a lot in the past few months, and his drinks cabinet was now so overworked it didn’t function properly anymore.  
  
“Of course, Master,” Kreacher said and disappeared.  
  
Sirius got out of the bath and put on his pants. Then he thought about it for a second and put on a shirt and a pair of trousers as well. He hadn’t seen Remus in three weeks. Maybe it would have been a little presumptuous to greet Remus wearing nothing but underwear. Maybe they wouldn’t even fuck. The last time Remus had been away doing stuff for Dumbledore, he had come back hollow-eyed and weary and had refused to touch Sirius until Sirius had cornered him and pushed a hand into his pants, and then he had hit Sirius with his charm and fucked him and everything had been almost alright again.  
  
Sirius tried to make the drinks cabinet pour him a glass of whiskey, then lit another cigarette and went to find Remus, or else his mother would find Remus first. That would be a catastrophe. He had told his mother that he fucked several men and none of them meant anything to him, but he had a feeling that mother saw straight through him and knew he had fallen in love. That was probably one of the many reasons why the atmosphere in the house had gotten tenser lately. He hadn’t thought that would be possible but apparently life was full of surprises.  
  
He found Remus at the front door. Remus looked a little surprised to see him and also soaking wet.  
  
“Hi,” he said.  
  
“Hi,” Remus said, eyeing him.  
  
He had a weird urge to shake hands with Remus. “Come in,” he said, stepping away from the doorway. They weren’t fucking strangers, right, they hadn’t seen each other in three weeks but they weren’t strangers. They were… well, they were still together, weren’t they?  
  
He took Remus upstairs. There, he walked to the desk and opened the wine bottle Kreacher had kindly delivered. It wasn’t of the rotten kind, so he wouldn’t need to yell at Kreacher later. That was a relief. Yelling at the house-elf always made him feel like his mother, perhaps even more than sitting in the house all day, drinking wine and thinking about everything that would probably go wrong in the near future. Sometimes he wondered if he had always been like this or if it was the war or maybe some kind of a family curse that only hit you when you were twenty.  
  
“How have you been?” he asked Remus. He couldn’t find a glass for the wine, so he drank straight from the bottle.  
  
“Fine,” Remus said in a tone that suggested it meant nothing.  
  
“I’m fine, too,” Sirius said. He was anything but fine. “Thanks for asking.”  
  
“Sirius –“  
  
“Sorry,” he said, put the bottle on the table and looked at Remus. “I’m sorry. It’s been three weeks.”  
  
“I _know._ ”  
  
“You’ve lost weight.”  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
“You haven’t? Well, you look like crap, anyway.”  
  
“Nice to see you, too,” Remus said, but now he was smiling a little.  
  
“I want to know where you were and what you did,” Sirius said, “but not right now. Now I want –“  
  
“I can’t tell you.”  
  
He took a deep breath. “We’re on the same side.”  
  
“Dumbledore says it’s safer for you if you don’t know what I’m doing.”  
  
He glanced at Remus, then at the bottle of wine on the table, then at Remus again. Remus looked tired and sad and very stubborn.  
  
“I shouldn’t have introduced you to him,” Sirius said, took the bottle of wine and walked to the bed. He sat down and drank from the bottle, and Remus watched him.  
  
“You didn’t have a choice.”  
  
“Yeah, I did.”  
  
“To keep Regulus out of trouble, or me. That wasn’t a real choice.”  
  
Sirius closed his eyes for a second. He had a headache. He clearly hadn’t been drinking enough. “And what the hell does that even mean? _Not a real choice?_ ”  
  
“Of course you chose –“  
  
“Yeah,” he cut in. “Yeah, but I _chose._ It was me. I had a _choice._ ”  
  
Remus looked away from him.  
  
“I don’t want to fight,” Sirius said. He kind of did and wasn’t sure why. Maybe because he didn’t seem to remember how to talk to Remus. He didn’t seem to be able to say the right thing, but he could always say the wrong one. That particular talent ran in the family. “I don’t know why I’m like this,” he told Remus. “Was it bad? What you were doing? Was it…”  
  
“I don’t want to tell you,” Remus said in a quiet voice. “You’re going to look at me differently.”  
  
He stared at Remus. “Like what?”  
  
“Like you remember what I am.”  
  
“I remember,” he said and pointed at Remus with the bottle. “I’m not going to forget. He’s making you spy on other vampires, right?”  
  
“Something like that.”  
  
“Is it dangerous? For you?”  
  
Remus shrugged. “Probably.”  
  
“Did you know them already? The other vampires?”  
  
Remus opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Some of them, yeah. I thought we weren’t going to talk about this.”  
  
“I thought _Dumbledore_ didn’t want us to talk about this.”  
  
“You said you didn’t want to hear about it yet.”  
  
“Oh.” _Shit._ “Yeah. I didn’t. Shouldn’t we first… Can’t you just come here?”  
  
Remus came to him, sat down on the edge of the bed beside him and took the bottle of wine from his hand. He thought about protesting, but Remus’ fingers brushed against his and he hadn’t seen Remus in _three_ fucking _weeks._ He held his breath as Remus put the bottle on the floor and leaned closer to him, stopping a few inches away from his face.  
  
“Are you going to kiss me?” he asked.  
  
Remus kissed him. He kissed back and everything felt a little strange as if something had shifted, something so small he couldn’t even see it. But Remus held his face in between his hands and licked into his mouth even though he had to taste like wine. Apparently he had forgotten what this was like and how to do this. Their knees poked against each other, he elbowed Remus’ on the side, Remus kissed him a little too hard, he didn’t know where to put his hands, and when Remus sighed, he wondered if he had ever heard Remus sound like that.  
  
He took off his own clothes and Remus took off his. They pulled the blanket from the bed. He got onto his back and spread his knees for Remus, and Remus sat down in between his thighs and pushed a finger into him a little too quickly. He didn’t tell Remus to slow down. Remus took a gentle grip on his cock and held it while pushing in another finger, and he wanted to tell Remus to do something, do more, do less, anything, but also it was perfect. Remus’ fingertips brushed against the spot in his arsehole that made him tense up, and Remus’ hand on his cock still wasn’t moving, and he wanted to tell Remus to fucking get on with it, but Remus looked so concentrated that he couldn’t, so he lay back and tried to breathe.  
  
It took ages until Remus finally pushed into him, and when it happened, it was too quick. He tried to move away without meaning to, and Remus grabbed his hips and didn’t let him go. Then he probably let out a sound, because Remus froze in the middle of fucking into him.  
  
“Sorry,” he said, running his palms down on Remus’ back and cupping his arse. “I didn’t –“  
  
“Are you alright?” Remus asked. He sounded worried now, and breathless, and like he was drunk. “Is this –“  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, “everything’s alright, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” And then he realised what was different. “Your charm.”  
  
“What?” Remus asked in a stretched tone. He had his cock half-way buried into Sirius’ arse, so that was probably why.  
  
“Your charm,” Sirius said, shifting a little, which was a mistake, because it only made it more obvious that he was trying to have a conversation while Remus’ dick was in his arse. “You haven’t charmed me at all. There’s no… Not even a little bit.”  
  
Remus swallowed.  
  
“Right?”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said slowly, blinked and then looked at him. “I suppose so.”  
  
“My mind’s clear,” he said and then thought about the amount of wine he had drunk today. “Well, I’m probably a little drunk, but otherwise… Why is that? Why aren’t you charming me?”  
  
“I always try not to.”  
  
“Yeah, but it doesn’t work. And we didn’t tie me up this time. And still… don’t you want me or something?”  
  
“Of course I want you,” Remus said in a voice that suggested Sirius was being ridiculous.  
  
“So, what is it? You know what it is, right? You know.”  
  
“I’m not…” Remus took a deep breath. “I’m not sure but I think…”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I’ve been drinking a lot more than I usually do.”  
  
Sirius blinked. “You –“  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“You’ve been drinking more.”  
  
Remus tried to pull out of him. He grabbed Remus’ arse and pulled him back in.  
  
“You’ve been drinking a lot of blood and that’s why you can control yourself.”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said. He sounded mortified, as if it was his fault or something. “Can you let me go?”  
  
“No,” Sirius said. “I want you to fuck me.”  
  
“Sirius –“  
  
“I don’t care.”  
  
Remus stared at him. He stared back.  
  
“I don’t care what you did,” he said in a voice that he wished sounded certain. “I don’t care what you did, you’re here now and you’re with me and I still want you. And for fucking once I can feel everything that you’re doing to me. Just fuck me.”  
  
Remus took a better grip on his hips, inched a bit back and then back in. He inhaled.  
  
“Yeah,” he said, “like that. But harder.”  
  
“You can feel everything,” Remus said slowly.  
  
“Yeah. Doesn’t mean you need to be careful with me.”  
  
Remus leaned in and probably tried to kiss him on the mouth but could only reach his chin. And then Remus fucked him and was so careful and slow about it that it almost drove him crazy, but only almost, and nothing softened it, and nothing blurred it, except maybe the alcohol, but that didn’t count. He kept his eyes open and looked at Remus who was so concentrated and so serious about it, as if fucking Sirius was his bloody _job_ or something, and he was brilliant at it, he was the best, and very infuriating, and in the end, he pulled out and sat up on the mattress and made Sirius sit down into his lap, and then he held Sirius in his hand while Sirius fucked himself on his cock again and again and again until finally Remus squeezed his fingers around his dick and he came.

**

He finished the bottle of wine and then made Kreacher bring him dinner upstairs. It was a risk, because mother might find out and ask why he couldn’t come to the dining hall. Remus was sitting in the armchair in the corner, reading a thoroughly dull book about a witch who had lived in the last century. There was no way Sirius was going to have dinner with his mother when he could be here with Remus.  
  
“Is it good?” he asked, when he had already finished dinner and Remus was still reading.  
  
Remus glanced up from the book. “What?”  
  
“The book.”  
  
“I met her.”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. “What?”  
  
“I met her once,” Remus said, sounding a little nervous now. “And I heard she became pretty well-known, but there’s a lot in this book that I never heard about.”  
  
“You met her –“

“Yeah.”  
  
“Bloody fucking hell,” Sirius said and laughed shortly. “Do you ever think that I’m terribly young?”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said frankly, as if it was a stupid question or something.  
  
“Really?”  
  
Remus put the book away. “You _are_ young.”  
  
“Yeah, but it’s not like I’m a kid or anything.”  
  
Remus opened his mouth, then closed it and swallowed. “No, you aren’t a kid.”  
  
“And you don’t look older than me.”  
  
“I _feel_ old.”  
  
“I feel old, too,” he said, even though he kind of realised that was a different thing. He cleared his throat. “Do you need to be anywhere today?”  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
“Could we go for a walk or something?”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said slowly. “If you want.”  
  
“We could go for a walk here in London. It’s evening, people have the lights on. I want to look into the houses through the windows.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Can we go now?”  
  
They walked around in Muggle London until it started raining, and then they walked all the way back. Most people had curtains drawn in front of their windows, but some didn’t, and Sirius looked at the rooms full of warm light and different kinds of furniture and sometimes people and wondered what it would feel like to be someone else. But Remus was walking so close to him that sometimes their arms brushed against each other, and later tonight, they would be in his room in his house and probably they would fuck again, and Remus would kiss him and sleep in his bed and be there in the morning. Obviously there were a few things in his life that were good.

**

He woke up in the middle of the night. Through the ceiling, he could hear steps, so maybe that was what had interrupted his sleep. Remus was awake too, watching him in the dark room.  
  
“It’s just Dad,” he told Remus, glancing at the ceiling. “He’s walking in circles.”  
  
Remus looked unhappy. “He seemed nice. When I met him.”  
  
“Yeah, he is. He was nice when we were kids. Nice but distant.”  
  
“Maybe he’s going to get better one day.”  
  
“Maybe,” Sirius said. Maybe not. “Hey, I’ve been thinking about something.”  
  
“What?” Remus asked, sounding worried.  
  
“Do you do this often?”  
  
Remus blinked. “ _What?_ ”  
  
“This,” Sirius said, found Remus’ thigh under the blanket and poked it gently with his knee. “What we’re doing.”  
  
“Sex?”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “Having a relationship with someone.”  
  
“I…” Remus took a deep breath. “No. Not often.”  
  
“But sometimes.”  
  
“Well,” Remus said, “I’ve lived for a long time.”  
  
“When was the last time you had a relationship?”  
  
Remus watched him silently for a while. He tried to look calm and not too curious and not worried about what Remus might answer, and definitely not jealous, but not indifferent either. “Fifty years ago,” Remus said finally. “But it was a short one. A few years.”  
  
“A few years –“  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“That’s not a short relationship.”  
  
Remus didn’t answer.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
“You didn’t kill him, did you?”  
  
“What? No, I… Are you joking?”  
  
“I’m not sure,” Sirius said. That was probably true. “You didn’t kill him.”  
  
“No, I didn’t kill him,” Remus said, watching him. “We broke up. He got married and had two kids and died in France in the Second World War.”  
  
“He was a Muggle?”  
  
“Some wizards fought too,” Remus said.  
  
“So, you never have sex with Muggles.”  
  
“Do you really want to hear about me having sex with other people?”  
  
“I’ve had sex with other people, too.”  
  
“Yeah, and I can’t stand to think about it,” Remus said flatly and rolled onto his back. “I’ve slept with Muggles. It doesn’t really matter either way, if it’s… just one time. And Muggles don’t realise what I am, because they don’t think we’re a real thing.”  
  
“Do you sometimes drink, too? When you fuck someone?”  
  
Remus glared at him. “Not often.”  
  
“But you have done it.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Did you kill them?”  
  
Remus shook his head slowly.  
  
“No?”  
  
“Never like that,” Remus said very quietly. “If I… if I drink from someone when I’m having sex, it’s… I only take a little.”  
  
“But you haven’t been drinking from me.”  
  
“No, I… _fuck_ , Sirius, I wouldn’t –“  
  
“What if I say that you can?”  
  
Remus licked his lips. He probably didn’t realise he was doing it. “No,” he said, but he was staring at Sirius intently.  
  
“What if I told you,” Sirius said slowly, “when we fuck, that you can bite me and drink from me? Not enough to kill me, of course. But a little. Just a little. Would it make it better for you?”  
  
“Make what better?” Remus asked a little breathlessly.  
  
“Sex.”  
  
“Maybe,” Remus said and then blinked. “I’m not going to do that. And our sex is fine –“  
  
“ _Fine?_ ”  
  
“Great,” Remus said, “it’s great. It’s better than I would have imagined ever having again.”  
  
“So, you _have_ had better sex.”  
  
Remus glared at him. “I don’t like this conversation.”  
  
“Sorry,” he said and kissed Remus on the mouth. Then he pulled back. “What was the best sex you’ve ever had?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Remus said too quickly.  
  
“Bullshit.”  
  
“I can’t compare it.”  
  
“ _Bullshit._ ”  
  
“I don’t want to.”  
  
“You’re with me now,” Sirius said. He draped his arm over Remus’ waist and then ran his fingertips down Remus’ back until he almost touched the crack in between Remus’ cheeks. Remus flinched but probably in a good way. “You have me. I have you. I’m not terribly jealous. I just want to know.”  
  
“I don’t understand why.”  
  
“Can I do this?” he asked and then moved his fingertips a little downwards.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, staring at him.  
  
He took a deep breath. “Can I…”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
He moved his forefinger in a tiny circle around Remus’ hole. “Do you ever do it like this?”  
  
“I have.”  
  
“But we never…”  
  
“You are…” Remus inhaled sharply as Sirius pushed his finger inside. Just a little. Just an inch. “We can’t, if I’ve charmed you. You couldn’t do it.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said slowly. Remus’ arse felt incredibly tight. He knew that if they wanted to do it, if they actually wanted him to fuck Remus, and if they used time and the right charm and all that, he could loosen Remus up enough to fit his cock in Remus’ arse. That would work out, like it worked out pretty much with anyone. With time, patience and magic. But right now, it seemed almost impossible. “Tell me about the best sex you’ve ever had.”  
  
“ _Sirius_ –,” Remus said, but he sounded helpless.  
  
“Tell me,” Sirius said and moved his finger just a little.  
  
Remus cleared his throat. “It was… right after I had… when I had been turned into a vampire.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said and closed his eyes.  
  
“I want details,” Sirius said, pushing his finger another inch. Or half an inch, probably. “Who was it?”  
  
“There were… a few.”  
  
“A few?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Sirius pushed his finger deeper into Remus.  
  
“The one who turned me…” Remus bit his teeth. “I was with him. Kind of. I was his… I was _his._ He had made me. And that included…”  
  
“Sex?”  
  
Remus nodded.  
  
“Did you… want to?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Remus said. “I wasn’t thinking. You don’t know how it is. The first years of… of being a vampire are…”  
  
“Are what?”  
  
“A mess.”  
  
“A mess.”  
  
Remus nodded. “It’s like… there’s nothing in your mind, except that you’re thirsty all the time, and you can’t remember who you were but you’re still kind of… missing it more than anything, but you can’t think, because you’re so thirsty, and someone has to hold you back because otherwise you’d just…”  
  
“Run around killing people.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“But you killed people,” Sirius said.  
  
Remus was shaking now. “Yeah.”  
  
“Is this bad?” Sirius said and crooked his finger as much as he could.  
  
“No,” Remus said, “no, just… it’s been a long time since anyone…”  
  
“You still haven’t charmed me.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“So, tell me more,” Sirius said, looking at Remus’ flushed face. It was easy now that Remus had his eyes closed. “Someone turned you into a vampire, and you were thinking about nothing but blood, and somehow you still managed to have sex.”  
  
“I was living with… the one who made me. He fucked me.” Remus took a deep breath. “And there were others too.”  
  
“And it was good?”  
  
Remus didn’t answer.  
  
“Tell me,” Sirius said and crooked his fingers.  
  
“Yes,” Remus said, “yeah, it was good. It was… I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t _anyone_ at that point, I was just… just instincts. Thirst. Hunger. Fear. Lust…”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I don’t remember everything,” Remus said, clenching around Sirius’ finger. “But sometimes we drank first and then…”  
  
“Then you had sex.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. “Because drinking makes it better.”  
  
“I didn’t want to be like that,” Remus said, “I don’t want to be like that, I never asked for this, I… When I realised what I was, years had already passed and I… it was like I had lost everything and hadn’t even realised it first, and I… left them.”  
  
“And they let you go.”  
  
“Not quite.”  
  
“No?”  
  
“The scar on my face,” Remus said and then groaned, as Sirius brushed his fingers against the spot inside him.  
  
“Sorry,” he said, pushed the blanket aside and wrapped his fingers around Remus’ cock. Remus was only half-hard, but it didn’t take long until he came into Sirius’ hand.  
  
Later, Sirius wondered if he ought to apologise. Remus was lying on his back, clearly not sleeping even though his eyes were closed. Upstairs, Dad had stopped walking.  
  
Sirius breathed in and opened his mouth.  
  
“I don’t want to do anything like that ever again,” Remus said and turned to look at him. “The things I did with them. Killing and drinking and fucking. I don’t want to do any of that ever again.”  
  
Sirius swallowed. “But it felt good.”  
  
“It’s a different kind of feeling good,” Remus said slowly. “Like… it feels good in the moment, and later you feel like you want to… cut yourself open and slit your throat.”  
  
“You don’t feel like that after you’ve been with me.”  
  
“No.”  
  
Sirius stared at him for a long while. “What do you feel like when you’re with me?”  
  
“Good,” Remus said, “I feel good.”  
  
“And what?”  
  
“And sad because I know it’s going to end sooner or later,” Remus said. “But all things are like that.”  
  
“Yeah –“  
  
“I feel like it’s a fucking miracle.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
Remus licked his lips. “Did you like fucking me?”  
  
“I don’t know if that counts. It was just my fingers.” Sirius cleared his throat. “But yeah, I loved it.”  
  
“You loved it –“  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Good,” Remus said, taking a deep breath. “That’s good.”  
  
Sirius wanted to say something more, probably that he thought it was a miracle too, that he had met Remus and that Remus was still here, half a year later, in his bed. It was a miracle that he hadn’t gotten bored of Remus like he often did with people, and that he thought he probably never would. It was a miracle that even though life was more fucked up than ever, there was this one thing in it that was almost perfect. It was a miracle that he thought he loved Remus.  
  
He fell asleep and woke up in the morning. The sunshine was leaking in through the curtains and Remus was sitting in the corner, reading the book about the dull witch he had once met.

**

He got a letter with no name on it, but it was written in Lily’s handwriting. When they had been at school, he had used to send notes to Lily in classes. Sometimes Lily had written him back, usually _shut up_.  
  
Now, Lily wrote that everything was weird and alright. On some days, it was like nothing was happening, and on other days, everything was happening at once. She was glad that they were hiding but she also hated it. Sometimes she had to remind herself that they might actually live through this. There might be a future. That was the reason why they were hiding: because they were trying to protect the future they might have. Also, her mother had sent them a pushchair. They had been a little bored and ended up charming the pushchair so that it was flying now. But that might be a little dangerous for the baby.  
  
And they had gotten a cat.  
  
Sirius kept the letter in his pocket. Then once he woke up in the morning and realised Kreacher had taken his clothes to clean them. He accidentally threatened it with murder. It gave him the clothes back, looking a little shaken. The letter was still in the pocket.  
  
One weekend, there was a party in the Lestrange house, only the house seemed half-empty. Narcissa was the only one who tried to talk about the weather, and she left before midnight complaining that she had a headache. Sirius followed her to the front door without knowing why and ended up taking her home. They had tea in her kitchen, and she told him she was pregnant and everything was going to hell. A little later she told him not to say anything to anyone. He went back to the party, and Rabastan wanted to have a cigarette with him alone in the library. He was about to tell Rabastan again that he was fucking someone regularly and therefore couldn’t get to bed with Rabastan, but it turned out Rabastan only wanted to stroke Sirius’ knee and talk about his sleep-deprivation.   
  
A week later, Rabastan came to Grimmauld Place. Sirius was in bed with Remus, his arm wrapped around Remus’ back and his nose buried against Remus’ shoulder. He hid Remus in Regulus’ old room because that was the one place where no one ever went. Then he told Kreacher to bring Rabastan upstairs. Rabastan sat down on the bed where the sheets were still crumpled and probably warm too. He lit a cigarette and offered Sirius one, and they talked about nothing for the first five minutes. Then Rabastan asked if Sirius wanted to meet the Dark Lord.  
  
“No,” Sirius said without thinking and then bit his lip hard. He didn’t know what he was more worried about: that Dumbledore would hear it had been offered and he had declined – and Dumbledore _would_ hear about that – or what Rabastan would think.  
  
But Rabastan only glanced at him and then looked down at his own feet again and said, “yeah.” And that was that. Rabastan told him that the bar in Knockturn Alley was almost empty these days, no one came there except some older men who were desperate. It was almost impossible to find someone to sleep with. And he glanced at Sirius and Sirius looked at his own fingers holding a cigarette.  
  
“Anyway,” Rabastan said and cleared his throat, “how’re things with you? With your…”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said, wondering what Remus was doing in Regulus’ room. He hoped the room would behave. It had probably been lonely after Regulus had left. “Fine.”  
  
“You’re still with him, then.”  
  
He shifted his weight from one foot to another. “Yeah.”  
  
“Great,” Rabastan said. “And how does that… how does it work?”  
  
Sirius glanced at him.  
  
“Not the sex,” Rabastan said and smiled a little, and for a second Sirius felt better. “I can imagine that just fine. I’ve been with you often enough.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“But the… being together.”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“Does your mother…”  
  
“She knows that I’m fucking men,” Sirius said, taking a deep breath. “She doesn’t mind, as long as it… doesn’t mean anything. I’ve been trying to tell her so.”  
  
“So it means something now.”  
  
Sirius put the cigarette away and then lit another one to have something to do with his hands.  
  
“We aren’t supposed to…” Rabastan started and then sighed. “I feel like it’s been kind of… something that everyone knows and no one talks about but also no one gives a shit. That some men like to fuck other men. And it’s okay as long as you don’t make a number of it. And eventually marry and have kids and all that. But these days it’s more like… we aren’t supposed to have those kind of secrets anymore.”  
  
Sirius stared at him. “Because of the politics.”  
  
“Yeah,” Rabastan said, sounding tired. “We’re supposed to be… exceptional.”  
  
Sirius laughed.  
  
“But do you think…” Rabastan said slowly. “Your uncle lives with a man, doesn’t he?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“A Muggle,” Rabastan said in a flat tone.  
  
“Yeah. If something happens to him –“  
  
Rabastan shook his head. “Not because of me. I just… do you think you would… would you like to live with him? Your… Or someone else? A man?”  
  
“I’m not sure I’ll live long enough to get to decide that.”  
  
“But it’s possible.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said and thought about Remus and him, a few years from now, living in the country-side in a house that looked a lot like Alphard’s. They would share the bed and wake up together and make routines and life would slowly start feeling normal. And he would grow older and Remus wouldn’t. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I could live with him.”  
  
“If things were different,” Rabastan said without looking at him, “I mean, if there wasn’t this… war, and if our families didn’t have all these expectations… If we had been just two regular kids, maybe we could have had that.”  
  
Sirius swallowed. “You don’t love me like that.”  
  
“I could have,” Rabastan said and then stood up. “I need to go.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. He followed Rabastan to the front door and then went upstairs again, walked to Regulus’ room and pushed the door open. Remus was standing at the window, watching the rain hitting the glass. The room was exactly like it had been the morning when Sirius had come here and found that Regulus had left. The little bastard had cleaned the room before leaving. Somehow it had made it worse.  
  
“Hey,” Sirius said, walked to Remus and settled behind Remus’ back, draped his arms around Remus’ waist and kissed him on the back of his neck. “What’re you doing?”  
  
“What was it about?”  
  
“Nothing,” he said and thought about meeting Voldemort. There was a hollow feeling in his stomach. He would have to ask Kreacher to bring him a bottle of wine with breakfast.  
  
“Doesn’t feel like nothing.”  
  
He closed his eyes and pushed his nose against Remus’ neck. “He asked me if I wanted to have a life with you. You know, like people do. If things were different.”  
  
He could feel Remus swallowing. “With me?”  
  
“Yeah. He doesn’t know who you are, of course. You’re just the man I’m fucking. Regularly. With feelings.”  
  
“Okay,” Remus said, leaning onto him. “Do you?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“If things were different, would you want to…”  
  
“Yeah,” he said, hugging Remus tighter. “Maybe. Yeah. Why not?”  
  
“I can think of a few reasons.”  
  
“Shut up. I’ll deal with my mother somehow. And then I’ll buy a house for us. A small house, like, maybe five bedrooms or something like that, and a drawing room, and a living room, and a library.”  
  
Remus laughed.  
  
“What? You need a library. You love books.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said, “yeah, I do. That’s not a small house.”  
  
“Yes, it is. There’s no dining hall. We don’t need that because we don’t have parties.” Sirius paused. “Because we don’t have friends.”  
  
Remus didn’t answer.  
  
“Or maybe we will. I have a few friends from school. If they still like me when all this is over. One of my friends… when I went to Hogwarts, I was a little bit lost, and there was this girl, this… Muggle-born girl who was a little bit lost too, but she was braver than me, and she kind of made it her project to, I don’t know, take care that I wouldn’t be lonely. Because I was missing Regulus and all that. I didn’t know how to be with strange kids. But she was brilliant. The cleverest person I’ve ever met.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Then we made new friends together and she fell in love with one of them. They’re going to have a baby.” He pressed his face against the back of Remus’ head. Remus’ hair was poking him in the nose. “Maybe when all this is over, we’re going to have a house and then we’ll invite them over and you’ll meet them.”  
  
“They won’t like me.”  
  
“Of course they will.”  
  
“I don’t understand why you like me,” Remus said. “I think you’re wrong.”  
  
“I don’t care what you think,” Sirius said and kissed his neck. “Come on. I need breakfast.”


	9. Spring II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's a conversation with Mother.

“Would you like to have some tea?” Dumbledore asked.  
  
Sirius nodded. Dumbledore waved his wand and the teapot poured some in a cup that floated to Sirius’ hands. There was thunder outside, but Dumbledore’s office was quiet, only the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black made disapproving sounds, watching Sirius. Maybe Phineas Nigellus was thinking about some of the stuff Sirius had been doing with Remus lately.  
  
“You seem happy,” Dumbledore said.  
  
Sirius frowned quickly. “No, I’m not. Of course not.”  
  
“It’s not forbidden, you know,” Dumbledore said, “to be happy at difficult times. Sometimes it’s the only thing that gives us the strength to go through. Love, for example, has huge power.”  
  
Sirius stared at his cup of tea.  
  
“And how is Remus?” Dumbledore asked.  
  
“Maybe you could tell me.”  
  
Dumbledore sighed. “I hope nothing’s amiss between the two of you.”  
  
“No,” Sirius said, “no, of course not. We’re fine. He’s…” He glanced at Dumbledore. “He’s been away a lot.”  
  
“Well, what he is doing for me and our common cause is very important but also takes time.”  
  
“I don’t like it that you put him in danger.”  
  
Dumbledore tilted his head to the side.  
  
“I know it’s necessary or something,” Sirius said, “and I know I kind of… that you promised to keep Regulus safe and I had to give you something for that and I… but I don’t _like_ it.”  
  
“I didn’t promise to keep Regulus safe,” Dumbledore said in a soft voice. “No one can promise that, not during times like these.”  
  
“You know what I mean.”  
  
Dumbledore frowned. “Well, actually the reason why I asked you here today has to do with your brother.”  
  
Sirius felt something cold sinking into him. It definitely wasn’t the tea. “What?” he asked, because Dumbledore obviously was waiting for him to react. As if he might have decided that he wasn’t interested and didn’t want to hear about it.  
  
“Indirectly,” Dumbledore said. It was a miracle how he managed to sound both very concerned and like he personally didn’t give a fuck. “I am aware that Lily Potter has been in contact with you.”  
  
Sirius opened his mouth.  
  
“I’ve told her not to,” Dumbledore cut in. “It’s not safe for you and more importantly, it’s not safe for her. Since you are friends with her, I expect you to care about her well-being. And of her husband, of course. And their unborn child.”  
  
Sirius swallowed. “Yeah. What’s –“  
  
“Nothing’s happened,” Dumbledore said, “yet. We have long been aware that Voldemort has taken specific interest in them and the child. Now it seems that some of the Death Eaters have been in contact with the Secret Keeper.”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat.  
  
“Yes,” Dumbledore said, “that’s concerning.”  
  
“You have to keep him safe,” Sirius said, thinking about Regulus. “You could hide him –“  
  
“I can’t do any such thing.” Dumbledore looked at him with a sad smile on his face. “That would only assure the Death Eaters that it is your brother who they’re looking for in order to get to the Potters. And we are all in danger. We can’t all _hide._ I’m not going to hide your brother, but I’m going to ask you to tell me if you know anything about the plans the Death Eaters have concerning the Potters.”  
  
“I don’t know anything,” he said, his voice coming out thin and hollow.  
  
“You’re still regularly in contact with Rabastan Lestrange, right?”  
  
He nodded. “Yes, but –“  
  
“Hasn’t he mentioned anything?”  
  
“No.” He took a deep breath and put the cup of tea on the floor. “I don’t think Rabastan’s very high in their ranks.”  
  
“But he has the sign. The tattoo.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “But he knows I was friends with James and Lily at school. He wouldn’t tell me if they were threatening them.”  
  
“You should do your best to assure everyone that you’ve broken the ties with your old friends,” Dumbledore said, looking him in the eyes. “And your brother. Don’t try to contact him.”  
  
Sirius opened his mouth.  
  
“Try to find something out,” Dumbledore said, his voice suddenly light. “Please. It would help me to keep everyone safe. Maybe you could try talking to one of your cousins, possibly Bellatrix.”  
  
“She won’t talk to me,” Sirius said. Bellatrix would probably see straight through him and hex him without another thought.  
  
“You don’t know that until you try,” Dumbledore said and nodded at the cup of tea on the floor. “Not good?”  
  
“No, it’s just –“  
  
“Would you like more sugar in it?”  
  
“No, I…” Sirius took a deep breath, then picked up the cup and sipped the tea.  
  
“Great,” Dumbledore said, smiling. “It was nice to see you again, Sirius. I’m glad to find that you look healthy in times that for so many of us are incredibly difficult. And best wishes to Remus.”

**

When Remus came to see him that night, he had already finished a bottle of wine and some of the whiskey he had bribed the drink cabinet to give him. It wasn’t working. He walked upstairs with Remus without giving much thought about whether his mother would hear them or not, and in his room, he locked the door and kissed Remus on the mouth. Remus kissed him back but then leaned away from him. “What –“  
  
“I hate him,” he said, walking a circle on the floor. “I fucking hate him, he’s so… He gets into my head. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was using Occlumency, really, because he gets into my head and he knows the worst things to say and he fucking says them and smiles and I can’t…”  
  
“Hey,” Remus said, walked to him and grabbed his shoulders. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing,” he said, “nothing. I don’t think I should tell you.”  
  
Remus blinked.  
  
“It’s my brother. And some of my friends. I don’t think Dumbledore would want me to tell you, and he’s going to find out if I do, and then I bet he’s going to get revenge for it somehow –“  
  
“I don’t think he’d do that,” Remus said slowly.  
  
“You don’t know him,” Sirius said, “you don’t know how he is, he’s trying to think for all of us but he doesn’t remember that we’re _people_ , we’re human beings, we aren’t some kind of toy soldiers he can sacrifice for the greater good…”  
  
“Sirius,” Remus said, taking his face in between his hands and looking him in the eyes, “it’s like that in every war. We _are_ toy soldiers.”  
  
“No, we aren’t.”  
  
“Yes, we are.”  
  
“This is different.”  
  
“No, it’s not,” Remus said, stroking his cheeks. “I’ve seen wars before.”  
  
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” he said, clearing his throat. He felt like crying. But he didn’t remember when he had last cried in front of someone else. Maybe never. “I want to be somewhere else. I don’t want a part in this. Nothing that I do makes a difference, and I’m just so tired, and so angry, and so fucking scared _all the time_ , and…”  
  
And now he was crying. _Great._  
  
“Sorry,” he said, crying.  
  
“Don’t say that,” Remus said, “you don’t need to. It’s alright. It’s…”  
  
“It’s not _alright_.”  
  
Remus swallowed. “No. But I’m here.”  
  
He let Remus kiss him and wipe the tears that were running down his face, only there were more tears and they got into his mouth and he felt incredibly stupid and also couldn’t stop crying. Remus walked him to the bed and then sat down on it with him and wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer until he was sobbing onto Remus’ neck. He wanted to stop immediately but there seemed to be nothing he could do about it. Remus didn’t lie to him that everything was going to be fine, and he didn’t stop crying until much later. Then he smoked a cigarette with slightly shaking hands while Remus pretended not to look worried. All the paintings had gone elsewhere. Probably they didn’t want to see him like this either.

**

It took him a while to figure out how to find Regulus. First, he tried a few tracking spells but came out with nothing, so probably Regulus had learned at least some basic skills at protecting himself. That was good but also infuriating. He even thought about trying to trick Dumbledore into telling him where he could find Regulus, but then he realised that would be pretty much as successful as if he tried to make his mother say that she approved of his relationship with a male vampire and was looking forward to the wedding.  
  
Finally, he went to Alphard’s house and asked Alphard where Regulus lived. Alphard asked him what he was going to do with the information, and he said that he was going to go to see Regulus. Alphard gave him the address.  
  
“How is everything?” Alphard asked, after Sirius had declined a cup of tea and small talk.  
  
He shook his head.  
  
“I’m worried,” Alphard said.  
  
“Maybe you should be worried about yourself,” Sirius said, glancing at the house. They were standing in the yard now. The moors were still yellow and brown but soon enough there would be shades of green. The sun felt warm on his neck and the thought of another summer was just absurd. “You know what… what he thinks about people like Andrew.”  
  
“The Dark Lord, you mean,” Alphard said, watching him. “There’s a lot of people who don’t appreciate the kind of life I’ve chosen to live. I’m not worried about what people think. But actions are a different thing.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said slowly. “Maybe you and Andrew should go to France for a while.”  
  
“This war might come there next.”  
  
“Then go to Germany.”  
  
“I hate Germany,” Alphard said, “it’s so organised.”  
  
“You know that they’re murdering people,” Sirius said, watching the blue sky above the moors. “Actually murdering people. For… nothing. For being Muggle, or half-blood, or having married a Muggle, or…”  
  
“For being queer.”  
  
“I haven’t heard of that. But I wouldn’t be surprised. And you are…”  
  
“I’m both.” Alphard paused. “And so are you. I’m aware the Dark Lord is trying to get the other magical creatures behind him, but that doesn’t mean he’d want us to have relationships with them.”  
  
“No, I know.”  
  
“You’re still with Remus, though.”  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
“Good,” Alphard said. “He’s making you a little less of a rich obnoxious kid who’s used to all kinds of privilege.”  
  
“Smooth,” Sirius said, but he couldn’t help smiling. “Very smooth.”  
  
“I’ve always loved you, you know,” Alphard said, “and I was a rich obnoxious kid myself, so I know what it’s like. And I do believe that love’s worth taking risks for. Just remember that this is dangerous. For both of you.”  
  
“Tell Andrew I said hi,” Sirius said. “And go to France. I don’t want to be at your funeral.”  
  
He Apparated home, drank half a the bottle of wine and Apparated to the address Alphard had given him. It was in the Muggle area in London but he could feel the magic tingling on his skin as he walked up the stairs in the apartment building until he reached the top floor. There he knocked on the door that had a sign saying _Archibald Fitzgerald_ on it.  
  
“Archibald?” he said, when Regulus opened the door.  
  
“I was drunk when I put the sign there,” Regulus said, walking to the kitchen that was really a stove and some cabinets on one side of the room. The flat wasn’t much bigger than Remus’ was, but at least there didn’t seem to be anyone sharing it with Regulus. It was also a weird mixture of magic and Muggle things. Sirius walked to a sofa that hissed at him but went quiet when Regulus shot a glance at it. “What’re you doing here?” Regulus asked.  
  
“You told me I could come to see you.”  
  
“That was a long time ago,” Regulus said, “and you never did.”  
  
“I think it was at Christmas.”  
  
“Christmas was a long time ago. Do you want tea?”  
  
“Yeah, sure. Thank you.”  
  
Regulus made the tea with magic. Sirius watched him. He didn’t look much worse than the last time. And he knew how to make tea, which was kind of impressive.  
  
“Have you lived here all this time?” Sirius asked mostly to say something. But he was also a little curious.  
  
“I stayed with Alphard and Andrew a little bit first, as you know,” Regulus said. “But after that, yeah.”  
  
“How can you –“  
  
Regulus glanced at him sharply. He raised his eyebrows. Regulus sighed. “I got used to it.”  
  
“Your old room is much bigger than this whole flat.”  
  
“Yeah, well,” Regulus said, “I wasn’t happy living there. And it was nothing to do with the amount of space.”  
  
“There’re other things in life than being happy.”  
  
“Of course there are.” Regulus took a deep breath and then gave him the cup of tea. It looked like real tea. “But is that a reason not to try to arrange your life so that you can be happy?”  
  
Sirius sipped the tea. It tasted real, too. “This is good. You can actually make tea.”  
  
“Yeah, I had to learn.” Regulus sat down in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you happy?”  
  
“No,” he said.  
  
“But you’re still with Remus.”  
  
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “He’s… I’m happy about him.”  
  
Regulus tilted his head to the side. “In winter, when you were wounded and Apparated us to his house –“  
  
“Let’s not talk about it.”  
  
“I thought he was going to kill you. He was looking at you like he wanted to.”  
  
Sirius stared at his cup of tea. “Well, I was kind of distracted at the moment, so I couldn’t tell.”  
  
“When we Apparated in,” Regulus said slowly, “the first thing he did was that he… he kind of jumped closer to us. To you. And then he seemed to stop himself and retreated, but he was staring at you like he…”  
  
“Like he wanted to bite my neck and kill me,” Sirius said. “He’s a vampire.”  
  
“He looked like he didn’t have a fucking clue if he could control himself or not. Like he was fighting it.”  
  
“Nothing happened.” Sirius took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have Apparated there. I know. I’ve apologised to him and I can apologise to you, but… I wasn’t thinking. I felt like I was dying and I just wanted to be with him.”  
  
“That’s exactly what makes it dangerous,” Regulus said. “He’s dangerous to you.”  
  
Sirius sipped his tea. “What is this, vanilla?”  
  
“When you’re hurt and bleeding, that’s exactly the moment when you need him to take care of you,” Regulus said, “and he can’t. You should’ve seen the look in his eyes when your blood was running all over on your arm and your side and –“  
  
“Stop it,” Sirius said. The sofa winced. Regulus blinked but then closed his mouth. “I want to be with him. I’m not going to give him up. And I don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
“I don’t even understand how that happened,” Regulus said, but his voice was different now. “I’ve slept with… a few people. Two or three, depending on what counts. But…”  
  
“A few -”  
  
Regulus cleared his throat. “Men. But I don’t understand how you ended up in a relationship. Especially in times like these. And with a _vampire_.”  
  
“Are you –“  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“We can’t both be queer,” Sirius said. “Think about what mother would say.”  
  
Regulus smiled a little. “Yeah, well, there’s not much we can do about that.”  
  
“We could pretend.”  
  
“I don’t want to,” Regulus said. “Do you?”  
  
Sirius emptied the cup of tea and floated it to the sink in the kitchen. “Someone needs to stay in that house.”  
  
“Bullshit,” Regulus said, “the house can go fuck itself.”  
  
“It’s not really about the house.”  
  
“I know Mother always says that we have responsibilities,” Regulus said, “to our family, to all the generations of Blacks that have come before us, to the _name_. And I just… what does that _mean?_ How can we have a responsibility to people who are dead? Why the fuck would they care? Isn’t it really about what Mother wants for us? Her own fantasy of what a good life is supposed to look like?”  
  
Sirius swallowed.  
  
“I won’t live the life she wanted for me,” Regulus said. “I can’t.”  
  
“Yeah, I know,” Sirius said. “Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk about that. Or about Remus. I…” He took a deep breath. “Dumbledore said to me that the Death Eaters know you’re the Secret Keeper.”  
  
There was a second during which he could see in Regulus’ eyes that Regulus knew exactly what he was talking about. Then it was over, and Regulus was looking at him as if he was politely interested in the weird little assumption Sirius had just made. “I’m a what?”  
  
“You’re the Secret Keeper for Lily and James,” Sirius said, “and the Death Eaters are trying to get to them, so they’re trying to get to you first. Dumbledore asked me if I had heard anything about it. You know, from Rabastan or someone.”  
  
Regulus blinked. “And have you?”  
  
“No. Nothing. But I suppose Rabastan wouldn’t tell me.”  
  
Regulus stared at him. He stared at Regulus.  
  
“You could just leave,” he said to Regulus.  
  
“No, I can’t,” Regulus said, “not anymore. Could you?”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. “Sometimes I think we’re all going to die.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Thanks for the tea,” Sirius said.

**

His mother wanted to have dinner with him. That hadn’t happened in a week or so and he felt a little strange about having seen Regulus, but he put on one of his better cloaks and shaved his chin and told Kreacher beforehand that he would be drinking a lot of wine. Then he went downstairs and found his mother already in the dining hall, looking at the piano that was playing something by Beethoven.  
  
“Hi,” he said.  
  
“Good evening, Sirius,” Mother said and nodded at his chair. “Please, sit down.”  
  
He did. “What do we have for dinner? Do you know?”  
  
“I asked for steak,” Mother said, “so I suppose we’re having that. How are you?”  
  
“Fine, thank you,” he said. “And you?”  
  
“Very well,” Mother said. She didn’t look well. She was wearing more jewellery than usual, almost as if she was going somewhere. “How is your friend?”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. “My friend?”  
  
“Yes,” Mother said and made Kreacher pour wine for them. Sirius tried to keep his hand steady as he grabbed his glass but didn’t quite manage it. “Your little friend who you fuck in my house.”  
  
He emptied the glass of wine and glanced at Kreacher. It poured him more. “It’s my house, too.”  
  
“No, it’s not,” Mother said, “not as long as I’m alive.”  
  
“I’m the heir,” he said, sipping the wine. “There’s nothing this house cares more about than the line of heritage. If I wanted to, I could turn it against you.” He wasn’t sure about that, really. The house was also stubborn and very old and probably fancied his mother, who was also stubborn and very old. But he _was_ the eldest son, and he _was_ the heir, and with old magic like this, there had to be some value in those things.  
  
“You wouldn’t do that,” his mother said.  
  
He swallowed. “Or I could leave.”  
  
The piano stopped playing. The paintings on the wall were staring at him, and there was suddenly coldness in the room that had nothing to do with the temperature, even though it was cold like that too. The heating charms had been playing tricks lately.  
  
“If you make it too difficult for me to live here,” Sirius said, “I could leave like Regulus.”  
  
“You’re too old for that,” his mother said. “You’re an adult now. You don’t know how differently other people live. The only way you know how to live is in your family’s house and you’re too old to learn.”  
  
“I’m not too old.”  
  
“You don’t need to worry about that, anyway,” Mother said. “I’m not going to let you abandon this family.” The piano started playing again. “Now, about your friend. I’ve let your little fantasy go on for far too long. It’s going to stop now.”  
  
“That’s not your business,” he said, but his voice came out thin. He sipped more wine and then nodded at Kreacher to refill the glass.  
  
“Yes, it is,” mother said, “you’re the heir, as you said. I won’t allow you to bring him into this house.”  
  
“You can’t stop me.”  
  
“Yes, I can,” Mother said and then sighed. “Sirius, you aren’t a kid anymore. I don’t care about who you sleep with and what kind of sexual pleasure you seek. Those things don’t matter as long as you keep them private. But you’ve been sleeping with the same man for almost half a year now. I know you’ve tried to hide it from me, but you can’t hide something like that in a house like this. And I need you to stop now.”  
  
He sat back in his chair.  
  
“You can find someone else to fuck,” his mother said. “Maybe a human male, this time. As long as you don’t get attached. The next time you bring Remus Lupin into my house, I’ll have him arrested.”  
  
Sirius stood up and opened his mouth, but nothing came out.  
  
“I’m sorry,” his mother said, watching him. “I had hoped you would solve the situation on your own and we would never have to have this conversation. But sometimes we just don’t get what we want.”  
  
He walked out of the room. The piano started playing a jazz tune but stopped when his mother snapped at it. The paintings were whispering around him and he felt as if he was walking on the bottom of the sea.

**

The place where Remus was living now was just outside London. It was a tiny house next to a wasteland and a river and looked like it had been abandoned maybe ten years ago. Sirius had made a few heating spells but apparently they worked poorly when he was away. But Remus said he had lived in worse places, and Sirius didn’t want to know what those had been like, so he tried to avoid looking too shocked about Remus’ living situation.  
  
Now, he Apparated to the front door and knocked. He was still shaking and not as drunk as he wanted to be, but maybe he could fix that later. He couldn’t shake the jazz tune from his head, or his mother’s voice, or the way she had said Remus’ name. Of course he had known she knew he was sleeping with someone regularly, but he didn’t know how the fuck she knew Remus’ name…  
  
“Hi,” Remus said, opening the door. “What –“  
  
“My mother knows about us,” Sirius said, walking past Remus. “She knows who you are.”  
  
“Okay,” Remus said.  
  
Sirius stopped. “She knows _who you are._ That’s… that’s a fucking disaster, alright, it’s just… Why don’t you look more shocked?”  
  
“We’ve been fucking in your house for six months now,” Remus said, looking at him with a calm expression in his eyes. “I never thought she wouldn’t be curious about who I am.”  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. “But how would she… she wasn’t supposed to find out your _name._ Or that you are…”  
  
“What’s she going to do?”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “Nothing. She’s going to do nothing.”  
  
“Sirius, just –“  
  
“She said she’d get you arrested,” he said and swallowed. “If you come to the house again.”  
  
Remus was staring at him. “So, I can’t come to your house.”  
  
“I don’t…” Sirius took a deep breath. _Bloody fucking hell._ “It’s probably for the best if you don’t come there. I think she means it and I don’t know how to protect you.”  
  
“You probably can’t,” Remus said.  
  
“But if you got arrested… It’s not like they can sentence you or anything, right? They can’t put you in Azkaban for being… you?”  
  
“Well,” Remus said very slowly, “strictly speaking, no. But I’ve done things that would give them a reason. A long time ago. But they just need to dig something up.”  
  
“Yeah, but that doesn’t count, does it? There’s got to be some kind of a time limit. They can’t put you in prison for something you did when you had just turned into a vampire and were losing your mind –“  
  
“There’s no time limit,” Remus said, “not for creatures like me.”  
  
Sirius walked to the bed and sat down.  
  
“I can’t come to your house anymore,” Remus said.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
Remus laughed in a hollow sound. “It’s not your fault.”  
  
“This doesn’t change anything,” Sirius said. “Right? You can’t come to my house but otherwise, this won’t change anything. We’re just going to need to meet elsewhere.”  
  
“Really?” Remus asked in a small voice.  
  
“Yes,” Sirius said, “of course, what did you think?”  
  
“Your mother’s not going to be happy about that.”  
  
“I’ll figure it out,” Sirius said. “We’ll try to keep it a secret. I’m going to… I’m going to try to make her think that I’m… fucking other people. Something like that. I’m going to hint something to the paintings. They’ll tell her.”  
  
“She’s going to find out.”  
  
“No, she isn’t,” Sirius lied. “I’ll worry about that.”  
  
“We could just stop, you know.”  
  
He closed his eyes and opened them again. Remus was standing in the middle of the floor, probably trying to look calm, but he looked terrified. He looked like he was expecting Sirius to hit him in the face any second.  
  
“Is that so?” Sirius asked. “We could just stop?”  
  
“Yes,” Remus said and cleared his throat. “You wouldn’t need to worry about me.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. “We would just break up.”  
  
“We always knew this was going to end badly,” Remus said. Now he sounded like he was panicking a little. “And the war is getting worse. I’m so fucking worried that the wrong people are going to figure out about us, and then they’re going to use you against me or me against you or…”  
  
“So, you think we should break up,” Sirius said, crossing his hands in his lap.  
  
“I don’t…” Remus paused and then just stared at him unhappily.  
  
“You don’t what?”  
  
“It would make sense,” Remus said quietly.  
  
“Bullshit,” Sirius said and took a deep breath. “ _Bullshit._ It doesn’t make sense at all. You’re the only thing in my life that’s _good._ I’m not going to give that up.”  
  
“Maybe it would be better,” Remus said, his eyes wide, “if we stopped now, before something worse happens. Maybe it would…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Hurt less.”  
  
“I don’t want it to _hurt less_ ,” Sirius said, stood up and walked to Remus. Remus backed away from him. There was a familiar feeling of Remus’ magic playing in the edges of his mind. “I want fucking _everything._ I want you and I want everything and if I ever lose you, I want it to hurt like hell, because what we had wasn’t some kind of a… a joke, or…”  
  
“It’s not a joke,” Remus said, “of course it’s not a joke, but…”  
  
“I want it to be real,” Sirius said. “I want it to _mean_ something.”  
  
“It is,” Remus said, “it does, just, if we stopped early when it’s still easy and –“  
  
“ _Easy?_ ” Sirius repeated, cornering Remus against the wall. Remus’ eyes kept moving from Sirius’ eyes to his throat. Sirius didn’t remember when was the last time that had happened. He had thought that maybe Remus had gotten used to him and didn’t want to drink his blood anymore. “You think it’d be _easy_ if we broke up now _?_ ” he said, raised his hand and pressed his thumb against the point on his throat where he could feel his pulse. “Do it then. Walk away from me.”  
  
“Don’t -,” Remus said in a thin voice.  
  
“If you don’t love me, walk away,” Sirius said. There was a tiny error in his logic, because he was in Remus’ house.  
  
Then he realised he had said _love._  
  
“Shit,” he said.  
  
Remus pressed against him and kissed him on the throat, the charm falling onto him and through him and making his mind soft and his legs unsteady. Remus draped his arms around him and walked him to the bed and pushed until he lay down, and he looked at the ceiling and thought about how he had said _love._ They didn’t do that. They didn’t talk about love. And he hadn’t actually said that he loved Remus, which he did, but even using the word at all seemed to point in that direction. He took a deep breath. Remus’ hands on his throat were gentle and not very cold, and Remus pushed the neckline of his gown downwards and kept kissing his throat in a way that seemed to involve teeth, but he was sure Remus wasn’t biting him. He loved Remus. He fucking loved Remus and he wanted everything, he wanted it to mean _everything,_ and if it had to end, he wanted it to end like it had meant everything.  
  
“Sirius,” Remus said, looking at him, “are you… I’m sorry, I can’t…”  
  
“I don’t care,” he said, “it’s alright, it’s… you can…”  
  
“Maybe we should wait a minute,” Remus said. He was holding himself up by his elbows, but his thigh was still pressing against Sirius’ crotch. “I could calm down a little.”  
  
“No,” Sirius said, clearing his throat. “The charm is good. It’s good. I want it.”  
  
Remus didn’t look like he believed that.  
  
“You can bite me,” Sirius said.

**

He wasn’t sure what was happening. He was warm in a way that made him think he would never be cold again. Everything was soft. Everything was pleasant and quiet but also his heartbeat was growing faster and faster inside his head, and it sounded like drums, yes, it sounded like the drummer had lost his mind. He blinked his eyes open and closed and open and closed and didn’t know which was which. The only thing he knew was that everything was going to be alright, _everything_ , nothing was going to hurt him ever again.  
  
Someone said something to him and he recognised the voice. It was Remus. He loved Remus but couldn’t talk now, and when he tried, he heard a sound like someone was drowning. That was strange. But his mind was so soft that he couldn’t worry about that. There was some pain too, but it came and went and. And there was something warm running down on his neck, and Remus, Remus was kissing him, and holding him, Remus was _everywhere,_ Remus was in his _mind…_ But if he had understood right, Remus was also fucking him, his cock sliding in and out his hole in a way that made everything move, but luckily Remus was holding onto him so that he wouldn’t fall over the edge. It was good, even though he didn’t think he could come, he was too warm and comfortable for that, and it didn’t feel like sex anyway, it felt like Remus was trying to fill every last empty spot inside him. And then he came and was a little surprised about that, and Remus stopped moving but didn’t pull away from him, and he couldn’t remember why he had been so worried before. There was nothing to worry about. Nothing.

**

“Hey,” Remus said, holding his face in between his hands.  
  
He opened his eyes and then closed them again. He had a headache worse than ever and also he thought he might throw up.  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said, petting his hair, “I’m so sorry, this was a bad idea, I shouldn’t have done it, I just… you were so…”  
  
He took a deep breath. “What –“  
  
“You passed out.” Remus was quiet for a moment, but his hands only got gentler. “I drank too much and you passed out.”  
  
“You didn’t kill me, though.”  
  
“No,” Remus said. “I didn’t kill you.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
Remus laughed in a nervous tone.  
  
“I’ve got a headache.”  
  
“I can imagine,” Remus said. Apparently they both were in Remus’ bed, naked but under the blanket. Sirius tried to shift closer to Remus and realised he was shivering.  
  
“I’m cold, too.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said slowly, “you lost a lot of blood. Can I touch you?”  
  
“What? Yes.”  
  
“Okay,” Remus said, draped his arm around Sirius’ waist and pulled him closer. Remus’ skin never felt warm to him but this time it did. He pressed himself against Remus as tightly as he could, shoved his leg in between Remus’ thighs and his nose against the crook of Remus’ neck and only shivered more when Remus stroked his back. “Sorry,” Remus whispered to his hair.  
  
“Don’t fucking apologise. I asked you to do it.”  
  
“You didn’t know what you were asking for.”  
  
“It was good,” he said. “It felt good. It felt like you were everywhere inside me at once.” He paused. “I’m not a vampire now, am I?”  
  
“No,” Remus said, “you aren’t a vampire.”  
  
“That’s good.”  
  
“Yeah,” Remus said. “Anything other than headache?”  
  
“I might throw up.”  
  
“Just tell me first,” Remus said and kissed his temple. “Maybe you should try to sleep a little. You aren’t going to get out of the bed today.”  
  
He bit his lip. “What was it like?”  
  
Remus was quiet for a few seconds. “What –“  
  
“Drinking from me,” Sirius said, trying to sound casual about it, and also not like his head hurt as if someone was banging it with a tiny hammer from inside. Remus already felt bad enough. “Was it good? Did I… did I taste good?”  
  
He could feel Remus flinching. “Yes. You tasted good.”  
  
“Really? How good?”  
  
“Very good. Sirius –“  
  
“Tell me. Tell me how good I tasted.”  
  
Remus took a deep breath. His hands on Sirius’ back had gone still. “You tasted… better than anything else.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Ever?”  
  
“Yes. You tasted better than anything else, ever. And…” Remus paused. Sirius tried to make an encouraging sound but it sounded a lot like he was going to be sick. “And fucking you at the same time was…”  
  
“Good?”  
  
“Not _good_ ,” Remus said so quietly Sirius barely heard him. “Better. So much better. You can’t imagine it.”  
  
“Try telling me.”  
  
“I really can’t. It was…” Remus was quiet for a long time, breathing against Sirius’ skin. “I just wish I hadn’t hurt you.”  
  
“It’s okay.”  
  
“No, it isn’t.”  
  
“I say that it is,” Sirius said, “and I’m always right. I think I’m going to be sick now.”  
  
Remus helped him to lean over the edge of the bed. He threw up onto the floor and then told Remus to fetch his wand and put it in his hand. He could barely cast a charm to clean the floor, but he did. The charm cleaned the window too, but that was an accident. He hoped birds wouldn’t fly onto it. He couldn’t do anything about that now, he was too tired, and the wand fell from his hand and ended up on the floor. Remus arranged him on the mattress so that he was lying on his side and Remus’ chest was pressed against his back and Remus’ legs were entangled with his.  
  
He fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night. Then he threw up again and needed Remus to help him outside the house to piss. He felt a little ridiculous and also worried about a thousand things he had forgotten about while they had had sex. But the night was quiet and surprisingly warm, and Remus fed him with crackers that tasted of dust and then put him back in bed.


	10. Summer I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's apologising and bad news.

**SUMMER**   
  
  
  
  
  
  


He went back to the bar in Knockturn Alley. The bartender took his order but didn’t say anything else. The place hadn’t changed but there were only five people there, and they all seemed to be trying not to look each other in the eyes. One of them was at least seventy years old, two looked like they had recently got out of prison, and the fourth was a Hufflepuff who had been two years above Sirius at school. Sirius didn’t remember the man’s name but remembered he had laughed at the boy’s funny clothes and Lily had told him he was being a fucking idiot. Now, the man was sitting at the other end of the counter, pointedly not glancing at him. He waited for another five minutes, picked up his drink and walked over to the man.  
  
“Hi,” he said. “I don’t remember your name.”  
  
The man didn’t seem surprised but also didn’t tell Sirius his name.  
  
“I’ll give you ten galleons if you sleep in my bed.”  
  
The man blinked. “What –“  
  
“My mother expects me to have meaningless sex with multiple men,” Sirius said. “If you sleep in my bed, my house-elf will probably tell my mother about that, and she will be happy.” He frowned. “Well, not happy, but considerably less unhappy than she would be otherwise.” Well, that wasn’t true either. “Or -”  
  
“You’re joking,” said the Hufflepuff who had had funny clothes eight years ago.  
  
“Unfortunately not,” Sirius said. “How about fifteen galleons?”  
  
The Hufflepuff was better at bargaining than Sirius had expected. They settled on twenty-two galleons, but Sirius wasn’t disappointed, because the Hufflepuff also promised to tell his friends that Sirius Black had fucked him and it had meant absolutely nothing and that Sirius had been great at it and also had a huge cock. Sirius felt a little childish about adding that last detail to the story, but it had been a long week, so he thought he had earned it. Or actually, it had been a long year.  
  
It turned out that the Hufflepuff snored. But until that, he was great company. He smoked a cigarette with Sirius and talked about their days at Hogwarts and about how long it had taken them to realise that thinking about naked men meant something or – in Sirius’ case – that having mutual wanks and friendly blowjobs with other guys wasn’t just ‘harmless fun’ like his mother had told him the first time she had found out. The Hufflepuff had had a boyfriend for a few years and was a single now and complained about how difficult it was to date in these modern times, and Sirius had to bite his lip hard not to talk about Remus. But he managed it. And the Hufflepuff slept in his bed and didn’t look disappointed that nothing happened, and in the morning the Hufflepuff took the money and left, and Sirius turned the paintings back the right way around and winked at them when they gave him shocked glances.  
  
**  
  
“You smell of him,” Remus said that night, when Sirius was sitting on his bed.  
  
“Of course I smell of him,” he said. “He slept in my bed.” Oddly enough, that didn’t seem to make Remus any happier. “Come on,” Sirius said and took a deep breath. He was tired and his head hurt and tomorrow, Remus would leave for another of Dumbledore’s missions. He could be away for two days or a week. Once, he had been gone for three and a half weeks and Sirius had been almost sure he was dead.  
  
“I know why you’re doing it,” Remus said in a tight voice, “but I don’t like it.”  
  
“I don’t like it either. Not that he wasn’t bad company, because he was surprisingly nice and funny. He snored, though.”  
  
“You aren’t helping,” Remus said, clenching his fists.  
  
“We talked about this. It’s safer for you if my mother thinks I’m having casual sex with other men.”  
  
Remus flinched.  
  
“I’m not _really_ having casual sex with other men, as you know.”  
  
“I _know._ Just don’t… don’t say things like that.”  
  
“You’re very possessive sometimes,” Sirius said, taking off his socks. “Do you want to have sex?”  
  
“Do you?” Remus asked, watching him.  
  
“Yeah. Sure.” He cleared his throat. “I’ve got a headache.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“Don’t,” he said. Sometimes he thought Remus apologised for everything. It had gotten worse in the past months, when they had been trying to keep their relationship hidden from Sirius’ mother. Before, Remus had apologised for accidentally charming him while they were fucking and for looking like he wanted to bite Sirius in the throat and things like that. Now, he was apologising for things like the rain.  
  
Sirius finally managed to take off his other sock. He didn’t understand why everything seemed so difficult lately. And he wasn’t even doing anything. Remus was doing stuff for Dumbledore all the time and Regulus supposedly was the Secret Keeper for Lily and James, and all Sirius was doing was that once in a while he got drunk with Rabastan and tried to make Rabastan tell him his secrets and not start groping him. Last time when he had seen Rabastan, Rabastan had told him that he was cutting down his consumption of alcohol, so from now on Sirius would probably be completely useless.  
  
He didn’t know why that bothered him. He had never wanted to be a piece in Dumbledore’s war. It had never been a decision he had made, no, he had got dragged into it and then hadn’t known how to get out, and everything had been so much bigger than him that at some point, he supposed he had stopped trying.  
  
Remus sat down on the bed next to him and touched his shoulder. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I don’t want you to go tomorrow,” he said.  
  
“I don’t want to go,” Remus said.  
  
“But you’re going to do it anyway.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I shouldn’t have introduced you to Dumbledore,” Sirius said in a tone he hoped was light. “I should have kidnapped you and Regulus. We could have fucked off together.”  
  
“You, me and Regulus.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“That would’ve been weird.”  
  
“I don’t know. I think you’d like him if you knew him. He’s the nice one anyway.”  
  
“You’re nice, too.”  
  
“No, I’m not.”  
  
Remus was quiet for a moment. “No, you are not. Except when it counts.”  
  
“Anyway,” Sirius said and cleared his throat, “we should have gone to France. We should have gone there.”  
  
“My accent is terrible.”  
  
“You speak French?”  
  
“I did,” Remus said slowly, “in the middle of the last century.”  
  
“I don’t think I want to have sex tonight,” Sirius said. “Can we just sleep?”  
  
“Yeah, of course,” Remus said and leaned to kiss him on the forehead.  
  
Sirius slept poorly and Remus probably didn’t sleep at all, but his pretending was quite convincing. In the morning, Sirius woke up to find him still in bed. Sirius had breakfast and Remus packed his bags, and then they kissed at the doorway and Remus Apparated out. Sirius stood in the doorway for a few more minutes. It was a misty morning, and everything looked really grim.  
  
**  
  
He saw Peter Pettigrew in Diagon Alley. At first he thought he was mistaken, but it turned out the man in the dark shabby cloak really was Peter, only Peter had lost at least twenty pounds and looked like he hadn’t slept in a month.  
  
“Sirius,” Peter said, walking to him slowly as if having second thoughts already. Sirius didn’t know why. They had been friends at school. They were still friends, there was just a war going on.  
  
“Hi,” he said and smiled at Peter, and Peter did something weird with his face. “How are you?”  
  
“Fine,” Peter said and blinked. “No, that was… I’m not…”  
  
“Yeah, I know,” Sirius said. “Would you like some tea? I haven’t seen you in ages.”  
  
Peter looked at him quietly for a long while before nodding. “Yeah, why not.” They tried to go to the café that had been their favourite years ago, but it had been _closed due to the current situation,_ or so said the sign on the front door. Sirius thought about inviting Peter to Grimmauld Place. Maybe his mother would think that Peter was another man he was having meaningless sex with. He had never thought of Peter that way except once when he had been very young and very drunk and they had had a late-night conversation and Peter had told him he had once touched another guy’s dick. Then he had told Peter he was gay and Peter had looked a little shocked for about five minutes, until he had in turn told Sirius he thought he was allergic to girls, because it seemed that every time he tried talking to them, he started coughing.  
  
“I think The Tea Room for Dawn and Doom is still open,” Peter said. “I know it’s in Knockturn Alley but –“  
  
They went to _The Tea Room for Dawn and Doom._ The wizard who owned the place was reading poetry behind the counter but made them tea after they asked twice. They found the corner that smelled the least of dust and illegal potions, sat down and talked about the weather for a while. Then Sirius asked if Peter had heard about Lily and James.  
  
“I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you,” Peter said, looking genuinely scared.  
  
“I’m sure you aren’t,” Sirius said. “But you know I’d never hurt Lily.”  
  
Peter nodded slowly.  
  
“She was my first friend in Hogwarts. And my best friend. Whatever else is going on… I’d never hurt her.”  
  
“Yeah, I know,” Peter said, not looking at him. “I kind of had the feeling that maybe she’s been writing to you.”  
  
He cleared his throat. “Not lately.”  
  
“So, you don’t know.”  
  
“Know what?” he asked. His heart was racing. If something had happened -  
  
“They had their son,” Peter said, his voice softer. He smiled at his hands and then at Sirius. “Harry.”  
  
“ _Harry –_ “  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“They had –“  
  
“Yeah. Two weeks ago.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. “And everything’s alright?”  
  
Peter looked at him in a way that suggested they both knew nothing was alright. “Yeah. Everything is alright.”  
  
“Good,” Sirius said.  
  
He paid for the tea. They walked together for two blocks and then parted ways, and only later he realised he hadn’t asked anything about what was going on in Peter’s life. And then again, Peter hadn’t asked about his.  
  
**  
  
He was wanking in the bath when Kreacher appeared in the room. He took a deep breath and let his grip on his dick go loose.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Someone’s come to see Master Sirius,” Kreacher said, looking a little away from him.  
  
“Who?” He was almost sure Remus wouldn’t come here, but he hadn’t seen Remus for eight and a half days now and he was getting desperate.  
  
“It’s Rabastan Lestrange,” Kreacher said in a tone that suggested it approved of Rabastan. Sirius wanted to throw something at it but couldn’t decide what, so he just told it to fuck off and tell Rabastan he should wait two minutes and then come upstairs.  
  
When Rabastan walked into the room, Sirius had finished wanking, got out of the bath and was now putting on some clothes. Rabastan didn’t look surprised. He walked to the drink cabinet, had a short argument with it about the quality of wine, and then lit a cigarette with a wandless charm while holding a glass of wine in his other hand.  
  
“You don’t look good,” Sirius said.  
  
“Fuck off,” Rabastan said, eyeing him. “You kind of do. Are you sure you couldn’t fuck me and not tell your boyfriend?”  
  
He bit his lip. “Actually, we aren’t together anymore.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“What happened?”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “I don’t know. We just…”  
  
“You got tired of him.”  
  
“Yeah. That was it.” He cleared his throat. “You don’t usually come knocking on my door when I’m trying to have a quiet wank.”  
  
“Sorry,” Rabastan said, smiling a little. Then the smile disappeared. “Actually, I can’t stay for long. There’s a meeting in our house later and Rodolphus wants me there. I just… I wanted to see someone who knows me.”  
  
“You think I know you?” Sirius said, walked over to him and sat down on the bed next to him. Rabastan gave him the cigarette and he took it, took a drag and gave it back to Rabastan.  
  
“I don’t know,” Rabastan said, looking like he wasn’t really listening. “I think I’m going to die.”  
  
Sirius blinked. “What?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Bullshit. You aren’t going to…”  
  
“I can feel it. In my bones.”  
  
“You’re just tired,” Sirius said and took the cigarette again. “We’re all tired. We’re tired and scared and –“  
  
“I’m scared all the time,” Rabastan said, looking at his own feet. His hands were shaking. Sirius tried to give the cigarette back to him but he didn’t take it. He clenched his fists and took a deep breath. “I feel like I’m scared even when I’m sleeping. And everyone else is so calm. I don’t get it. Rodolphus and Bellatrix are, like… like this is what they’ve been waiting for their whole life.”  
  
“Well, Bellatrix was always a little crazy,” Sirius said and finished Rabastan’s cigarette.  
  
“I feel like I’m becoming paranoid,” Rabastan said. “One of Dumbledore’s men is really ours, and I keep thinking, what if one of our men is working for Dumbledore. And then I start looking around and wondering who it is, and I can’t stop, and then I begin to think that what if they think it’s me, and…” He paused. “Do you have any drugs?”  
  
“No,” Sirius said. There probably was something in the cellar but that stuff was too old, there was no telling what it would do and how many times it had been cut with magic. “What did you say?”  
  
“About what?”  
  
“That one of Dumbledore’s men is…”  
  
“Yeah, that,” Rabastan said and took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have said that. You still haven’t taken the Mark.”  
  
Sirius was quiet for a moment. He felt like he was going to be sick. “I’m scared. I don’t know if I want to –“  
  
“You don’t need to explain,” Rabastan said, putting a hand on his thigh, “not to me.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said, ignoring Rabastan’s hand. His head was spinning. “So, you think there’s a spy.”  
  
“I _know_ there’s a spy,” Rabastan said, “for us. But if we have someone spying on Dumbledore _for_ us, who knows if Dumbledore has someone spying us for _him_.”  
  
“Yeah. That’s…”  
  
“That’s messed up,” Rabastan said, patting his thigh. “Shit, I need to go. All I want right now is to fuck you stupid, but I need to go.”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius said. His voice came out flat and thin. “Right back at you.”  
  
“Wanker,” Rabastan said and squeezed his shoulder. “Be careful.”  
  
“Yeah, you too,” Sirius said, grabbed Rabastan’s hand and squeezed it quickly. “I’m sure you aren’t going to die.”  
  
“Thanks,” Rabastan said and left.  
  
That night, Sirius had dinner with his mother. They had a lot of wine and Mother told him that even though Rabastan Lestrange was a fine young man, she hoped Sirius realised a romance with Rabastan wouldn’t be acceptable. Sirius said that it was just sex, and his Mother seemed a little less unhappy. They finished dinner and all he was thinking about was the spy.  
  
**  
  
It was raining. He stood outside Regulus’ apartment for five minutes, turned, walked around the block, stood there another five minutes and then walked into the building, because Regulus’ neighbours were starting to throw odd glances at him through the windows. He walked up to the third floor, knocked on Regulus’ door and waited. Then he knocked again. Then he tried to break the charm Regulus had put on the door but couldn’t. He should have been relieved but he wasn’t, he was only tired and now also wet, because it was still raining and he couldn’t bother making an umbrella charm.  
  
He walked down the street without knowing where he was going. He wasn’t really thinking that it could be Regulus. Of course not. There was absolutely no reason to think that Regulus might be the spy Rabastan had told him about, except that if Regulus had wanted to be a spy, it would have been easy for him. He knew everyone who was fighting for the Dark Lord, because he had grown up with them. It would have been easy for him to ask someone to meet him secretly. It would have been easy to say that he wasn’t happy fighting for Dumbledore. He could have done that. And it wouldn’t have been the first time he did something Sirius thought he never would.  
  
Sirius sat down on the bench near the river and looked at the ducks floating on the water. He should stop thinking about this. The war was making him paranoid and he didn’t want that. There was no reason to doubt Regulus. He was almost sure it wasn’t Regulus. But _he_ was spying on the Death Eaters for Dumbledore. Or trying to. If he was doing it, what if Regulus was doing it too, only the other way? He had always felt that they were so similar, like Regulus was just a younger version of himself. Even when Regulus did something he wouldn’t. _Especially_ when Regulus did something he wouldn’t, because then he usually found himself thinking that he _could have_ done that. Such as on the morning when he had opened the door to Regulus’ room and found Regulus gone. He had been so angry. As if there was a trick in the game that Regulus had figured out first.   
  
He went back to his house, poured himself wine because the cabinet was having a bad day again, sat down in the armchair and tried to stop thinking about how easy it would have been for Rabastan to contact Regulus. They had played together as kids. Rabastan could have cornered Regulus somewhere, maybe on the street, and asked Regulus to have tea. Regulus would have accepted. For old times’ sake. And then Rabastan would have promised Regulus something if Regulus turned to their side, or… or maybe threatened Regulus with something. It was possible. Rabastan knew Regulus, surely he could figure out what to use against Regulus.  
  
Sirius took his glass of wine and went downstairs. Luckily, his mother was nowhere to be seen, but the piano was playing Beethoven and a painting of his great-great-grandmother told him he should learn how to please women before he married. Otherwise his wife would be terribly unhappy. He locked himself into the kitchen, but soon Kreacher appeared there and asked him if he was looking for something. He told it to mind its own business and went back upstairs, but his room was empty and he didn’t know what to do, so he walked the stairs up to his father’s room.  
  
“Sirius,” Dad said, blinking at him from where he was sitting at his desk. “Is it Wednesday already?”  
  
It was Saturday. “Yeah,” Sirius said and nodded at the armchair that was covered in books. “Can I –“  
  
“Oh, sorry,” Dad said and floated the books onto the floor. Years ago, Sirius had thought that one day, Dad would do something incredibly stupid like blow up half of the house, and then Sirius would be the one who would try to take the wand away from him. But that had never happened. Maybe Dad couldn’t do much damage with his magic because he wasn’t exactly living in this world anymore. “I’m glad you came,” Dad said. “Do you want tea? Where’s your brother?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius said and sat down in the armchair. “Tea sounds great.”  
  
Dad actually managed to make him tea. It tasted of magic. He held the cup of tea in his hands and listened while Dad went on and on about the weather and how the sea looked different every day and it was nice that the boys were here too. Then suddenly Dad asked what was wrong.  
  
Sirius bit his lip. “What?”  
  
“You look worried,” Dad said. “Something’s wrong.”  
  
“No, it’s not…” Sirius paused and took a deep breath. “I think that Regulus might have done something stupid.”  
  
“No,” Dad said, looking at him as if that didn’t make sense, “Regulus is a good boy.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said, “yeah, but… Dad, Regulus doesn’t live here anymore.”  
  
“Of course he lives there. I saw him this morning.”  
  
“You haven’t seen him in three years,” he said and put the cup of tea onto the floor. It vanished. “He left. He just left. And I kind of realise why he did it, and I’m not sure… I was angry at him, but I think that maybe he didn’t really have a choice. He was just trying to live his life. He was trying to be happy. And I can’t really… I can’t blame him, right?”  
  
Dad nodded slowly. He looked like he didn’t realise what was going on.  
  
“But I don’t know him anymore,” Sirius said, “and everything’s changing, everything’s a mess, and I don’t know what he’s doing, and I’m worried, and I’m kind of… I should be worried about myself too, and I _am_ , it’s just… I can’t stop it. I can’t stop anything from happening. And I think it’s going to end badly.”  
  
“I’m sure that’s not true,” Dad said but didn’t sound certain. He leaned closer to Sirius, blinked, and then dragged his chair until he was close enough to take Sirius’ hand in his. “Everything’s going to be alright,” he said.  
  
“You don’t know that,” Sirius said.  
  
Dad squeezed his hand. “What’re you worried about? Your brother? I’m sure you two are going to figure it out. You’ve always been best friends.”  
  
“Yeah,” he said. “We aren’t best friends anymore.”  
  
“You’re going to be again.”  
  
“I don’t think so,” he said and looked away. “I think I fell in love.”  
  
“Really?” Dad asked. His hand holding Sirius’ was steady. “That’s great, son.”  
  
“No, it’s not. It’s… it’s a guy.”  
  
“Sirius,” Dad said, smiling a little, “I always thought you might be queer. That’s alright. That’s more than alright. You’re still you.”  
  
“Mom doesn’t want me to see him.”  
  
Dad frowned and squeezed Sirius’ hand tighter. “Right…”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Son,” Dad said slowly, “your mother is… there’re things that she just isn’t right about. She always had this image of how her life was going to be, and whenever something doesn’t fit, she tries to ignore it. Or change it. Or… anything.”  
  
“You don’t need to tell me that,” Sirius said and tried to pull his hand away, but Dad didn’t let him.  
  
“Let me talk to her,” Dad said. “And tell me about this boy. What’s his name?”  
  
Sirius took a deep breath. “You wouldn’t know him. He’s… I met him last autumn. It wasn’t supposed to mean anything, but I just…”  
  
“You just fell in love with him.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I’m glad,” Dad said. “Love is what we’re here for. We’re here so that we can love each other the best we can.”  
  
“Dad,” Sirius said, “he’s a vampire.”  
  
Dad blinked. The books on the shelves jumped a little. “Oh.”  
  
“Yeah. _Oh._ ”  
  
“Is that what your mother’s worried about? It takes some effort to turn a human into a vampire. I’ve heard about that. I don’t think that’s something to be concerned about.”  
  
“I don’t think Mum’s worried about that,” Sirius said slowly. “I think she’s worried that I won’t live the kind of life she wants me to. Like Regulus.”  
  
“You’re both excellent young men,” Dad said. “I’m proud of you.”  
  
“I don’t think I can live that life,” Sirius said. He felt like something was stuck in his throat, or maybe deeper. As if his heart was wrong somehow. “What I want is… I really want this war to be over. I want that. And then I want to… I want to go somewhere with Remus, somewhere where no one knows us. I want to live with him. And I want him to want me, like, for a long time. Maybe for the rest of our lives. Or mine, because he’s a… you know. And I want to tell Regulus that I understand why he did it and why he had to go. I want to tell him that I was angry because he messed up _my_ plan, but it’s his life, and I really want him to be happy and alive and… I want all that.”  
  
“Sirius,” Dad said, blinking, “Regulus is here. I just talked to him. He went for a swim but he’ll be back in a few minutes. Would you like some tea?”  
  
**  
  
Four days later, Remus came back from wherever he had been. He sent Sirius an owl and Sirius Apparated to his place and walked right in and rushed across to the room to hold him and kiss him on the face. He smelled of dust and old places and faintly of blood but Sirius didn’t care. He kissed Remus until Remus’ magic washed over him, and then he lay down on the bed and let Remus undress him and wrap fingers around his dick and kiss him all over. Maybe everything would be alright after all. He closed his eyes as Remus slipped into him. He had Remus. That was the only thing that mattered. Love was the only thing that mattered, they were here to love each other the best they could, and that was what he was going to do. He held onto Remus as Remus fucked into him again and again, but everything was soft, and good, and everything was going to be alright.  
  
“Sorry,” Remus said later and kissed him on the neck.  
  
“No,” he said and wrapped his arm around Remus’ back. “I love you.”  
  
Remus froze.  
  
“Sorry,” he said, pushing his fingers into Remus’ hair, “sorry, sorry, it’s just that…”  
  
“Don’t apologise,” Remus said in a tight voice.  
  
“Sorry,” Sirius said and reached to kiss Remus on the mouth. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“I don’t know. We don’t talk like that.”  
  
Remus bit his lip. “I didn’t think you…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I didn’t think this was that kind of a thing.”  
  
“Come on,” Sirius said, stroking Remus’ hair. “What kind of a thing?”  
  
“I didn’t think we would talk about…”  
  
“Love.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Have you ever been in love?” Sirius asked. He was pretty sure it sounded casual, but that was probably because Remus’ charm was still affecting him. Maybe this was all a part of Remus’ plan. Remus would paralyze him and fuck him and then make him talk about love. He smiled a little at how clever that was.  
  
“I didn’t think I was capable,” Remus said, looking at him.  
  
He took a deep breath. He had a feeling that he didn’t want to know after all, but he had already started it. Maybe it was like the war. Once it was on, you couldn’t take it back. “Of loving someone?”  
  
“No,” Remus said slowly, “the other thing.”  
  
“You didn’t think anyone could love you.”  
  
Remus just stared at him.  
  
“I do,” he said. “I don’t think I’m very good at that yet, but I do love you.”  
  
“You’re going to change your mind,” Remus said.  
  
“You don’t know that.”  
  
“You can’t love me,” Remus said. Now he sounded like he was panicking a little.  
  
“I can do whatever I want.” It was becoming pretty clear that wasn’t true, but maybe Remus would believe him anyway.  
  
“I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love,” Remus said. “I think love only feels real when you’re living it. When you think about it later, it’s more like… maybe I was desperate. Or maybe I was just too lonely. Maybe I was so lonely that I told myself it was love. Something like that.”  
  
“This is real.”  
  
Remus brushed his fingertips gently against Sirius’ throat. “Yeah. But what about five years later?”  
  
Sirius was pretty sure that five years later, he would be dead. “Let’s worry about it then.”  
  
“Five years is a short time for me.”  
  
“Remus,” he said, “don’t think about that. Think about me. Think about _now._ ”  
  
Remus took his head in between his hands and stroked his cheeks with his thumbs.  
  
“If you’re in love with me,” Sirius said, “maybe you could get me a glass of water. My throat’s a little dry.”  
  
Remus blinked. At first he looked confused, then surprised, then a little angry, then happy, and then everything at once. “You’re terrible,” Remus said and got out of the bed. “I’ll get you the whole river.”  
  
**  
  
“Hey,” Remus said. It had to be the morning because there was too much light in the room, but Sirius was too tired to open his eyes just yet. He was warm, and happy, and he had Remus’ leg pushed in between his own. Everything was perfect. “Sirius –“  
  
“Not yet,” he said.  
  
“There’s someone’s Patronus in here,” Remus said in a hasty voice. “I think something’s happened.”  
  



End file.
